Dear Josh,

I was twenty-six years old when I met you—no, when you rather met me. You were the one who made it your life’s mission to get me to say yes to your proposal. I was just there, going about my life the same way each morning. Breathing, talking, eating and sleeping just like every human. I saw you often. You came by trying to pick a conversation. You called me a friend when I hadn’t even given you the chance to be a friend. Eventually, you proposed. You’re one smart guy, I have to give you that credit. You chose the right time to hit on me, Josh and you knew there was no way I was going to say no so even when I said no, you laughed. You said, “Maybe you need some days to think about it. That’s alright. Take all the days you want. I will wait for you. When you want somebody the way I do, you have no option but to wait. So I will wait.”

Those words did something to me. “When you want somebody the way I do…” It sounds like a title of a song—a love song. I felt it through your actions and through the connection we built that evening. So I went home, picked up my phone, and wrote, “You know what? There’s no need to drag this. I’m ready. I trust you to be the best man there for me so yes. Yes, I will be your girlfriend.” This is not a paraphrase of what I said that day. It’s the exact quote. Every word is at its place. Every comma and every full-stop is in its position because I still remember these words as if I wrote them yesterday. I remember because after writing them, I had to read over and over again to be sure that it was actually what I wanted to say. Even when it came to pressing the send button, it took me hours. I will read, reread and reread again, doing everything just to avoid pressing the send button. 

Eventually, I did and it set the ball rolling. 

You see those calls you were sending my way every morning? Yeah, I loved it. I felt you slept with me in your mind and woke up thinking about me that was why you were calling. You did it often until I came to believe that I occupy a special place in your heart and soul. When we walked, you held my hand. When you met a friend you said, “Hey, meet Nuna, my girlfriend.” You said it with this pride in your voice and the smile that came with it was golden. You couldn’t wait to show me to the world as the one and only woman in your life. So, I also decided to show you off as the one and only man in my life. 

I took you to meet my mother. That woman was a very strict woman. She had always warned me about falling in love with silly people. She put it this way, “Don’t go and fall into a gutter and call it love. Learn to choose the right man and not any man who calls himself a man.” When I was taking you home to meet her, I was a little bit scared. I had so many questions in my mind; “Would she like him?” “Is this the kind of man she’ll readily accept?” I hope she doesn’t see him and say he’s a gutter love.” 

We got home. I did the introduction, she shook your hand and smiled. Maybe your palms were too soft that’s why she smiled because that woman hardly smiled. But she liked you and even advised you on how to treat me. I know you remember what she said that day because you were nodding throughout. She took your number and told you, “When she gets missing, I know who to call.” You took me home too. To meet your parents and they both liked me as one of their own. We had the approval of the most important people in our lives. What was then left for us to do? Just fly on the wings of a dove and make our love established on the sands of time. Make footprint wherever we walk and sign our names on the surface perpetuity. 

A year later, the cracks started showing. The morning calls ceased. The messages stopped coming. You missed my calls and never returned them. You said, “I’ve been busy at work. Forgive me, it won’t happen again.” But it happened over and over again until I stopped complaining. You stopped coming around and when I came around, you acted as if I wasn’t needed in your space. Those things got to me. I asked, “Is it something I did wrong?” You said no. I asked, “Is there another woman?” You laughed it off.” In the end, it turned out that there was indeed another woman. It broke my heart when I found out but guess what, I convinced myself that you were rather lying to that girl. I fought you countless times about that girl and you said it was rather the girl who was chasing you. 

Silly me, I believed you. I won’t blame it on love-is-blind. I was rather blind to see the truth because I was so into you. Until that night when I came to your place unannounced to meet that same girl in your room. I called when I was coming and you didn’t pick up. In the middle of the road I called. When I was about to walk into your room I called. You didn’t pick up any of my calls because she was there. Thank God for the kind of calmness he gave me when I met the girl in your room. I should have come at you for lying to me or even ask the girl who she was to you but I did no such thing. I went inside your bedroom and slept, without asking any questions. 

You rather got angry and push me out of your house when the girl left. That I’ve embarrassed you. That I saw a stranger with you and behaved like a possessed witch. Me that I didn’t say a word? How did I behave possessively when I didn’t even utter a word? You used that as an excuse to tell me that it was over. It was over because I met a girl in your room and didn’t say anything? It wasn’t my fault but I came to you begging. Asking you to forgive my transgressions though I didn’t know what those transgressions were. You kept pushing me away and I kept coming. When it got to the point I realized I was losing you, I told my mom about it. I was so ashamed I couldn’t tell her that I met a girl in your room. I lied that I rather hurt you and you were angry. She called to beg you but you still didn’t take me back. 

My mom loved you and you knew it but that day when she called to ask you to forgive, you brushed her aside. She blamed me for pushing you too far and then she told me to retreat because you were not coming back. It broke her heart and broke mine too. Two years of being together didn’t mean a thing to you so you let it all go.

A year later, my mother died from the sickness that plagued her life for years. I was going through a lot of pain for losing the only one in my corner. I had a boyfriend who was abroad. I needed him close by when I was going through pains but he was so far away all he could do was call me at dawn to console me. I don’t know how you got to know about the death of my mother but I guess the news of people’s demise travels far than the news of their happy days. You came around to sympathize with me. You called every day. You were with me every day. Reminding me of those days when we were together and the kind of love my mother showed you.

Days after my mother’s burial, you hit me with a comeback. I remember your words again and the look on your face when you said, “Your mom loved me and I know it was her wish for us to get married. I was too silly to push us on the cliff for us to fall. She’s no longer alive but why don’t we make her wish come true?” 

I don’t know what was wrong with me when I said yes to you again. I had a boyfriend who was dying for me. Who was doing all he could to travel back to Ghana to marry me. I believed it when he said he was coming for me but when you came back into the picture I started questioning the intentions of the guy abroad; “What shows that he’s being truthful to me?” “Maybe he has a girlfriend where he is and he’s using me as a dessert.” A bird in hand is worth thousands in the bush. This is a devil I know too well, it’s better I stick with him than the angel I don’t know.”

I accepted you back into my arms and broke all communication with that guy abroad. To date, that guy doesn’t know why I broke up with him. It was all because of you. The love didn’t die. I was at the lowest point in my life so anything that looked like elevation caught my attention in a special way. I opened up to us again so we could blossom. We did it for a year but it was good for only a couple of months. The rest of the months was me chasing shadows. Begging to see you and even begging you to pick up my calls. Some things never change, I should have known but because I didn’t want to feel like a fool and a failure, I kept trying and trying to patch what won’t stick. Again, there was a girl. Again, I became the one you throw away so another could walk in. You remember I told you that I don’t mind being your second girlfriend? That was how desperate I was. Everything to keep holding on to you. 

You pushed me out and went on with your life as if I didn’t matter. As if I’m not worth your time.

It took too long for me to heal because I didn’t have a mother to hold my hands through it. I didn’t have anything to hold on to. Not even friends. A year later, another man walked into my life. He didn’t have it easy. I kept pushing him away and at some point insulted him but he kept coming and staying calm around me until I asked him, “What do you see in me?” He replied, “A wife.” I said, “You’re joking with me right? After everything I’ve done to you?” He answered, “Nothing good comes easy, that’s why I’m sticking around.” I started softening my resolve so I could see him for who he is instead of looking at him as another man who wants to walk in and finish me kwatakwata.

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It was hard believing him, especially when he was doing everything right. I told myself, “He’s too good to be true, you have to be careful.” This man really suffered in my hand because of you. I was judging him through the filter you gave me. He looked perfect but so were you until you changed. I said, “He’s doing all that and later brush me off after he had gotten what he came for.” But nothing ventured nothing gained so I gave him a dog’s chance and he took it. Today, he had become the best thing that ever happened to me after my mom. Your love lasted for only a couple of months until you changed but I’ve been with this man for over a year and not the slightest change had been felt around him. He does the simple things and tries the complicated ones later when we really need them. It took him only six months to start talking about marriage. 

And then one day I walked into you at a friend’s wedding. You sat next to me and started apologizing for things you did two years ago. That day, we talked for so long I believed I’ve had the closure I deserved so I unblocked you, thinking we could be friends again. But you took that as an opportunity to get back at me again. I’ve seen the trick. The memories of good days you try to spin whenever we talk. I see how you’re trying so hard to hide the bad days between us. It’s always, “Do you remember the kiss we had here and there?” “Do you remember when we went here and you were so happy you didn’t want to go back home?” “Do you remember…”

Yes, I remember all those happy times but guess what, I still remember the pain you took me through. Twice you had the opportunity to make things right with me and twice you proved to be the gutter-love my mother warned me about. So weeks ago when you said you want us to come back together I told you I will think about it. I know it’s not genuine. You only want to come back again and mess up the happiness I’ve found. It hurt your eyes to see me happy, so you’ve come again to shoot me down. 

Hang in there. 

There’s a reason I haven’t blocked you yet. There’s a reason I keep entertaining you, giving you hopes that everything is alright between us. I love it that you are the first person to watch my Whatsapp status anytime I post something new, so hang in there. I want you to be the first person to see my wedding photos. I want to read your comments on the photos and laugh. Maybe it won’t bother you a lot because you’re faking everything but It would make me happier to dine on the table the Lord has set for me in front of you. So stay calm, continue pouring your fake love on me. I’m enjoying it. I have only two weeks to show you what I’ve been meaning to show you. After that, we’ll call it a wrap.

Twice I was your fool. I was in your gutter when someone found me and wiped me clean. Just when I’m about to wear a white gown for that person, you appear trying to stain my white gown. Whatever bad intention you came with, let it be your own portion. If it’s genuine that you want to make things right this time around, then dear Josh, it’s too late. But hang in there. I want to hear you congratulate me. It’s the least I could get from you after everything you’ve taken me through.

Yours never,

–Nuna 

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