I Feel I Need To Apologize To The Ex-Boyfriend Of My Girlfriend

Her school was behind my house, and she used to come around because she was a close friend of my little cousin. Through that, she became my friend too. Our friendship didn’t get the opportunity to develop into something strong because I left town after I completed SHS. I thought of her while I was away from time to time, but it was all in the spirit of friendship. After three years, I came back to town, and we accidentally bumped into each other. We rekindled our friendship, and this time we became closer than before. She was in SHS by then so she mostly came to me for advice. I advised her on how to study and prepare for exams, and her relationship with her friends. She basically saw me as a life coach.

I was always ready to assist her until we lost touch again along the line. It was after she completed SHS that we reconnected. We became close enough that when her results were released she told me, “I can’t go and check. I am scared of what I will find. Please go and check for me.” After checking her results, I commended her for doing well and then advised her on some courses she could study. However, her guardian had other plans for her so she couldn’t adhere to my counsel. As it is with many SHS leavers, she had higher hopes and aspirations than the reality presented. I cared about her and wanted to be with her every step of the way but yet again, distance separated us.

This time the separation was a very long one. The next time I saw her, she was on her way to the antenatal clinic. Since then, we didn’t lose touch again. However, our conversations were not as frequent as it was in the past. A lot had changed over the years so we were now getting reacquainted with each other. During one of our infrequent conversations, she told me, “I want to start a distance course and as always, I will fall on you when I need your assistance.”  I gladly told her, “You know I am always here for you.” So we spoke continuously and I did my best to encourage her when things became hard for her. One day she called me to ask for a huge favour. She wanted me to guarantee a student loan for her. She thought it was something I wouldn’t be willing to do but I surprised her when I said yes, and did it for her.  That singular act changed the trajectory of our friendship.

We started talking weekly and began to open up to each other on any issue. One day, She opened up to me about how toxic her relationship had been. She suffered everything, from verbal abuse to physical abuse. “I am leaving him,” she concluded. I tried to help her resolve whatever issues they had so that she wouldn’t leave but her mind was made up. She gave me a lot of reasons why she had to leave. One of the reasons she gave was; “One day we were having an argument when he told me that I am not the kind of woman who deserves to be married. He swore that he will only pay my bride price over his dead body. Now tell me if this is someone I should continue to be with.” Of course, that was enough to get me to support her decision to leave. From everything she told me, I realised that their relationship suffered due to trust issues. I didn’t understand the guy because although my friendship with the lady was not the bestie type, I knew she was kind, supportive, calm, respectful and an introvert too.

After their breakup, she moved to Accra to further her courses. In the course of her studies, we scheduled to meet. After that meeting, I realised our conversations took a turn toward something I had never considered. I only saw her as a friend but all of a sudden I started seeing her as a love interest. We both saw the change coming and we embraced it. We have been dating for a year now. All was well for the first three months. After the third month, the potholes in the relationship started to reveal themselves so I sat her down to discuss everything that was going wrong with her. She would listen quietly and agree to do better, only to go back and do the same thing she promised she wouldn’t do anymore.

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The most recurring problem we had is how she handles her phone. I noticed she mostly puts her phone on “Do not disturb” and misses a lot of calls whenever she is with me. I didn’t want to complain much about this behaviour because of her past experience with her baby daddy but I started reading meaning into that action when I realised that she barely answers my calls whenever she travels out of town. She could ignore my calls for days and then come back with a silly excuse. Something so insignificant that I don’t end up remembering it. When she does this I get annoyed but I don’t say anything to her until my anger has gone down. I do this because of everything she claims she went through in her previous relationship, but honestly, most of the things she does ignite anger.

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She travelled again last Saturday and called me on Sunday at 5:30 AM. She said she needed to travel to another place to teach one of her relatives how to make soap. I was so sleepy that I couldn’t make any meaningful conversation. So right after church, I called her to talk to her but she didn’t answer. For the rest of the day, her number was busy. I used a different number to call her and it went through but she didn’t answer. I started calling her with my number, and this time, it went through but she didn’t answer any of my calls. She even declined my calls at some point. So I stopped calling and she never called back on that day. Then on Monday, she sent a photoshopped picture of our supposed wedding. When I didn’t reply for about ten minutes, she called me, but I didn’t pick up. Deep down I don’t hold grudges against her.

I am rather displeased with myself for judging her baby daddy. We don’t know each other in person but I feel very guilty and wish to apologise to him. I now understand why he used to quarrel with her and said all kinds of derogatory words to her. I cannot do to her what he did but I believe that he is so right to have behaved that way.