“He is quite short. Although he is sitting down, I can tell that I am taller than him.” That was the first thing that popped into my mind when I met him at the SIM card registration office. He was extra nice to me so I had a feeling something was up with him. And it didn’t surprise me when asked me, “Can I have your number after the transaction?” I didn’t mind giving him my number but I couldn’t help but wonder, “Is this how he gets girls? With the work he does, he has access to a lot of beautiful girls. He must be sifting through them like sand.” That thought alone didn’t make me take him seriously.

The day after we met he started sending me messages to check up on me and whatnot. “When can I take you out? I want to see you again.” He would ask. And I would tell him, “I am not sure. I have been very busy lately. I will let you know when my schedule clears up.” I felt bad for turning him down repeatedly because he seemed like a nice guy. My problem was that I wasn’t comfortable with the thought of going out with a man I am taller than. I am 5,8 so I always prefer men who are taller than me. That way my height wouldn’t be so obvious. Another thing that made me turn him down was his work as a customer service manager at the telecommunications company I met him. That position gives him access to lots of women so how sure am I that he doesn’t take their numbers and asks them out? Also, I had just gotten out of a toxic relationship and was not ready to date again.

My reasons were the shield I wielded between us and did everything possible to push him away. However, David was not one to give up. He pestered me for months. “All I want is for you to go on one date with me. After that, you can decide to ghost me. But don’t write me off before you give me a chance to sweep you off your feet.” He often said this as a joke, although we both knew he was not joking. Eventually, I decided to go out with him just to give him the benefit of the doubt. Just as I feared, we got curious looks and attention from people. It was uncomfortable but I did my best to ignore them and focus on my date. For someone who looked like a quiet person the first time I met him, he was a chatterbox on the date. He also has an amazing personality. And his energy was downright positive. It was beautiful to be with him.

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At the end of the night, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I liked him but I didn’t love him. I was also still concerned about our height difference. But I told myself that I would get used to it, and I would fall in love with him eventually. After being with him for a while now, I can say that David is just too kind and loving. This makes me feel guilty that I still haven’t fallen in love with him. I still like him, and I am always charmed by his personality but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to develop any romantic feelings for him. I see how he goes out of his way to prove his love for me, and it kills me on the inside.

After all the painful things he went through in his past relationships, I cannot be another painful memory for him. Sometimes he jokes about all the women who took him for granted but I know that it deeply affected him. I see it in the way he treats me as if I am all he needs to survive in this world. I don’t know how long I can keep this going. I don’t want to give him high hopes and I also don’t want to let him down. He deserves to be with someone who will love him properly but I don’t want to tell him the truth and hurt him. I have discussed this with my friends. What they tell me is, “The reason you can’t summon any love for David is because of your notion of an ideal man. Sure, he is a good man but he doesn’t measure up to your standard (no pun intended). If you let go of the image you have in your head, you will see that you have loved David all along.”

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I believe my friends are right. Because David is everything I want in a man except his height. I hate myself for doing this to him but it matters to me. To make matters worse, his friends always joke about my height. One time someone said, “David, your woman is a Goliath.” Everyone laughed at this joke but I was hurt. David saw my pain and apologized. However, I believe that whenever I am with him, people see me as a Goliath. How do I get past this? Are there tall women here in a relationship with shorter men? How do you deal with all the insensitive remarks people make? How do you see past your man’s height? Does it make you insecure like me?

–Elizabeth   

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