I lost my junior sister and I was devastated. I thought I was going to die the next day. I took to Facebook and wrote about my hopelessness and heartbreak on my wall. A lot of commenters wished me well and wrote something to comfort me. And then he came into my inbox and wrote a long letter to me. I read it but didn’t respond. The following day, I found myself using some of the encouraging words he wrote to me on my Whatsapp status. I had to go back to his message and make a reference, to ensure I write the right thing. I ended up reading the whole thing again. 

The second time felt different, yet it didn’t occur to me to respond to his message. A week or so later he sent another message. He asked me, “When it’s your sister’s funeral?” I replied, “It’s next week. It’s just going to be something small for family and friends.” He said he would like to pass by. I told him he didn’t have to worry because it wasn’t going to last that long. He said, “Even if it’s for a minute, I would like to be there and mourn with you.”

He was at the funeral. He came to greet me. We couldn’t shake hands or hug, those were the two things I needed when I saw him for the first time. He was so tall and broad I could use his embrace. I wanted to get lost in it and pretend everything was alright. I couldn’t get it but I was happy he could make it. It was our first time meeting but something clicked. Something that felt good. I couldn’t put a hand on what that something was but I knew it was warm and friendly. Something that said you two could be friends. 

He wasn’t a family but I gave him a seat closer to where the family sat so I could be closer to him. I got busier. I was out every now and then but each time I was around, I cast a glance at where he was seated and made sure he was alright. He was there until evening when everyone had left. I thanked him profusely and asked to see him again. “I hope it’s not the last time I’m going to see you. These are sad days but I hope when this is all over, we could see each other again.” He was obviously happy to know that I wanted to see him again. He said, “You don’t have to worry about that. I won’t stop calling you. I will see you even before you step out of these black clothes.”

He kept his promise. He called often to check up on me. He texted when he couldn’t call. We stayed on the phone a minute longer each day until we couldn’t get off the phone. One day after work, we met at a restaurant closer to his office. It was supposed to be a quick meeting, where we talk about one or two things and later go home. We met and didn’t want to leave. We ended up leaving the place after 12am. The conversation was good. The chemistry was great and it felt like we were heading somewhere emotional. I could see it in his eyes and through his body language. When he couldn’t propose, I thought he was buying enough time to feel confident and later propose. Two months later, we were still where we started. Just friends. 

I went to his house one day, and he introduced me to his sister and mom. His sister was just like me. She loved the things I loved and even shopped at the same place I also shopped. We exchanged numbers that day when we learned we had so much in common. We had threesome dates often. We’ll go to interesting places and chill the night away. Efia, that’s his sister’s name. One day we planned an outing and Efia opted out. It was so strange she could say no to such an outing when she had talked about it all week. I felt something was wrong so I probed. She kept telling me nothing was wrong and that something came up at the last minute. I took her explanation but I didn’t believe her. “Or he’s going to propose to me, that’s why she doesn’t want to come along with us this time?” I asked myself. I believed that was the case so all night when I was with him, I was holding my breath and patiently waiting for that moment. 

Several hours later, I gave up. I started breathing again so I don’t die a silly death. We later left the place, said our goodbyes and went to our houses. All night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t propose. “What’s too hard about a man telling a woman that he loves her? What’s hard about this?”

When the proposal didn’t happen, I went back to Efia to ask questions. “Efia, I’m going to ask you a question and this time I want an honest answer. Why didn’t you go out with us over the weekend? What happened that you changed your mind?” She answered, “I feel when I’m with you two, I push my brother away. I take up all the space between you two and it’s hard for you to have a great time. It’s always the two of us while he watches from the fringes. I decided to give you space.” 

She was honest with me so for the first time I opened up to her about the relationship between me and her brother. “I’m just a friend to your brother just as you’re a friend to me now. Yeah, I met you through him and I’m grateful but if you ask him, I don’t think he has a problem with you hanging around us. After all, we are just friends.” She opened her mouth. “You don’t mean it,” She said. I answered,  “That’s the truth, you can ask him.” She answered, “I’ll ask him. I can’t believe this.”

From there, the bond between me and Efia grew stronger. We became like sisters. She will come to my place and spend the weekend with me. I couldn’t spend the weekend at her end because of her brother. Yes, we were still talking. When he had a problem and needed someone to talk to, he will come to me and talk to me about it. We were like that for close to a year until one day he said, “I have a child. I’ve been meaning to tell you all this while. He’s five years old and lives with his mother.” Honestly, I was surprised. If he told me right from the onset, it wouldn’t have shocked me the way it did. I asked him, “So why are you telling me now?” 

I thought he was ready to propose to me that’s why he was opening up to me. He said, “I feel you should know. We’ve come a long way to be keeping secrets.” And then he asked me, “Is there something I don’t know about you?” I shook my head, still processing what I should do with the information he gave me. He didn’t propose or made any move to suggest that was his intention. When I met Efia, I pushed all my anger on her, all the anger I couldn’t express in his presence, I pushed it on her; “I thought we were friends. So why didn’t you tell me about your brother’s child? Why did you help him hide it from me?” One annoying thing about Efia is that she’s never angry. When I was burning with anger and talking at the top of my voice, she was standing there laughing at me. She said, “Who am I to tell you what he himself hadn’t told you? Huh, who am I? It’s his confession to make and not mine.”

She was right. I stopped fighting her and instead pushed my questions to her brother. I asked him, “So what next? What happens to us now that you’ve told me this? He answered, “Nothing. I’m happy you didn’t judge me and I’m happy we are still friends.” The mentioning of friendship got me angrier than his confession. I screamed in my head, “You confessed to me just to keep me as a friend? What’s wrong with you?” 

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I started withdrawing from him. I made it so obvious even the blind could see. I will go to their house and look for Efia without looking for him. He didn’t care, he kept calling me anyway. Even when I missed his calls he didn’t fight me or ask questions. He behaved as if everything was fine. One day, I asked Efia, “Has your brother ever said anything about me to you? Anything at all. Please be honest.” 

That was when she told me the reason her brother doesn’t want to propose. She said, “My brother loves you. He has said it over and over again to me but he fears he would lose you and end up hurting you when the two of you get involved. That girl who gave him a son is fierce and ready to fight any woman my brother gets involves with. He has tried it twice with different women and he failed. Both women don’t want to hear anything about him. He doesn’t want you to become the third woman to hate him.”

I felt it didn’t make sense. “I’m different. It can’t end just the way the others ended. At least we can give it a try and see how it goes. How can he conclude that things will end the same way?” So I made it a point to make him understand that I’m different and things will work for us if we get out of this hole of friendship. I’ve tried. At this point, it even feels like I’m pushing myself on him. Efia and her brother are now singing the same song. She thinks she’ll lose me as a friend when things go bad with her brother. Her brother also thinks things will definitely go bad and he’ll lose the friendship and I’ll hate him. 

What should I say to convince him? He’s a good person. I’ve met his son and I’m in love with him too. I know down within my heart that things will work but he doesn’t want to give us that chance. Should I keep trying or I should just give up and walk away? 

—Mayflower

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