I was brought up in a Christian home. Throughout our young life, our parents never stopped preaching purity to us. We were not allowed to keep male friends and we were not allowed to go out alone. If I had to go somewhere, my brother had to go with me. We were three sisters with two brothers. My brothers were left alone to do whatever they wanted. They could go out and play football. They could hang out with their friends for as long as it was not too late at night. We were not allowed those liberties because we were supposed to know the sanctity of keeping ourselves for our future husbands.
I got angry at some point and decided to be the rebel among my siblings. I would go where they asked me not to go. My father would be like, “That place is dangerous for a girl your age.” The next time, my dad would see me coming from that place, all alone and unguarded. He got angry oftentimes and whenever he did, I reminded him of the places my brothers were allowed to go. He said, “You want to live your life like a man? Go ahead. You’ll grow up and regret it.” I didn’t mind him. I kept living free while my other sisters kept living their lives according to the dictate of my parents.
Despite all the courage I had to defile the orders of my parents, I didn’t have the courage to have a boyfriend. In SHS a lot of guys came my way but I was quick to tell them that I was keeping it for my future husband. Eddy came close to having me because he was very persistent. He was a rebel, just like I was. He didn’t respect rules and didn’t want to be tamed. It was that side of him that made me fall in love with him. I said, “If I were a boy, I would have lived my life like Eddy, wild and free.”
Just when I was about to accept his proposal, I found out that he already had a girlfriend. My young heart was broken into pieces. I wrote a lot of letters addressed to him, asking him to leave that girl for me but I didn’t have the courage to send them to him. One day, after dining, he held my hand and walked me to my house. We were in the third year and about to complete school. I told him, “If you were patient enough, you would have been my boyfriend but you preferred a quick fix to something permanent.” I thought he would regret not having me or even curse his stars for losing me but he told me, “Hannah is not a quick fix. If someday I make it in life, she would be the one I will settle with. I loved you until I saw her.”
Another sleepless night because my heart was broken all over again. What he said hurt but it was his truth so he was happy about it.
At the university, I kept pushing men away because Legon didn’t look like a place where true love can be found. The men were in a hurry going nowhere. They see you today and tomorrow you become the woman they’ve ever loved. They will do everything to get your attention but I didn’t see a rebel in the men that came my way so “No” became the default answer.
“Can we go out on a date one of these days?”
“No.”
“Can I be your friend? Just a friend.”
“No.”
And then Felix came along. He didn’t understand what ‘no’ means so he kept coming around every day with a new strategy. He had completed school and was doing his national service as a teaching assistant. Whenever I needed help, he offered it without any hesitation. I could call him at dawn and give him past questions to solve and this my man would do it. He completed his service and left campus but because of me, he came around every weekend to see me, and also ask if there was something he could do for me. One day I said yes when he hadn’t even mentioned his proposal.
He asked, “Yes to what?” I answered, “Or you already have a girlfriend?”
So our love journey began. When he wanted shuperu, I told him, “I haven’t done it before.” He stepped back an inch wearing shock on his face. “Really? Tell me you’re joking.” I repeated, “Felix, I haven’t done it before. If you’re the man meant for me then you’ll be the one to do it for the first time.” He laughed at my naivety. “You’re about to complete the university with your virginity intact?” I answered, “It’s a degree I came for, I didn’t come here to offer myself as a living sacrifice to sinful men.”
Love was good because it was with Felix. He treated me like a child who needed special care. When he got a job, he came to campus to celebrate it with me. When he rented a new place, he told me, “Come and let’s decorate our future home.” One Saturday morning, he took me to the place and watched me put the place together the way I wanted my home to look. For the first time in our love life, I spent the night with him. He tried to be sneaky but I was on guard throughout the night. At some point, he nearly broke into my defences. I was down with love and he knew it. I begged him, “Let it not be today. At least, let me complete school so I can proudly say that I left the university with a green heart.”
He left me alone but asked me to make a promise that right after my graduation, I will give him access. I made the promise. He asked me, “You cross your heart and hope to die?” I answered, “I cross my heart and hope to deliver.”
A week after my graduation I was with him in his house. He said, “You came to deliver what you promised?” I answered, “If only you’ll promise to be gentle with me.” He was gentle with me. It happened just the way he wanted it.
The distance started threatening our relationship when I started my national service. I was trying hard to keep him at the fore but I realized he wasn’t doing much to reciprocate my actions. If I didn’t call him, he wouldn’t call me. If I didn’t text him, he wouldn’t text me. I started complaining. Complaints turned into nagging, and nagging turned into a series of fights. I had to beg him before he would allow me to visit him, though he won’t come and visit me. I was trying but at some point, it felt like I was watering a dead plant. I asked him, “Felix, be true to me. Do you think you still want this relationship?”
His answer broke me down for days. He said, “No and don’t ask me why because I don’t have any reason. I feel the connection is dying. If you think there’s someone out there who will treat you better than I’m doing then say yes to him. You deserve better than what I’m giving you.”
I cried. I begged him. I even asked him to hang around for a while and see if we could revive it but he kept telling me I deserve better. I screamed, “I deserve better I know but I’m already with the one who makes me better so what are you talking about?”
We broke up and I was the one who was hurting.
When I started working after my national service, I met Chukwu, a Nigerian guy who proposed to me on our second date. I gave him a space in my life because he had something about him that reminded me of Felix. He had the money and didn’t waste time throwing it on the floor for me to walk on it. The mistake he did was that he thought his money will make things easier for him so when I kept stretching him, he got frustrated. One day, he asked me, “Will you go to Nigeria with me next weekend? I want you to meet my parents. I’ve been talking to them about you and they can’t wait to meet you.”
I wanted to go with him and I knew if I got to Nigeria with him, it would be the beginning of a love affair. I wasn’t sure if I loved him that much but I was sure I could have a future with him. I told him to give me some days to think about it. One evening, I called Felix. It had been two years since we broke up. I asked him, “Felix, what do you think was the reason why the two of us didn’t work out?” I asked that question genuinely because I didn’t want to make a mistake with Chukwu. He hesitated. He asked, “Why do you ask?” I answered, “I still think about us and how we ended quickly. I don’t want to repeat that mistake.”
He said, “It wasn’t your fault. I was selfish. Just feel free and live your life. You’re a good girl and whoever comes your way, would be lucky to have you.”
“So you mean I didn’t do anything wrong?”
“No, you didn’t. Let me tell you the truth, a girl came along at some point. We got entangled so I thought it would work between us. That was when I started having doubts about you and me. She was always here with me and I didn’t want you to find out and get hurt. That was basically the whole reason. I was just stupid and undeserving of your love. So you see, it’s not your fault.”
I stayed quiet on the phone for a while. My next question was, “So how did it go? You’re still with her?” He retorted, “No it didn’t work. We didn’t even last a year but I’m fine.”
The conversation went on and on because I wanted to know more. As we talked, I felt something rekindled in me. I still loved him so I was happy when he was telling me all about his failed love life. I asked, “Do you think of me sometimes? Have you regretted that we broke up?” He answered, “Every day. I think about us and regret how selfish I was and how I let a good woman go. I couldn’t bring myself to call you because I was ashamed of how I treated you.”
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We met the following day. I told him about Chukwu and the journey to Nigeria over the weekend. He said, “Wow, congratulations. I hope he’s a good man. You deserve all the good things so don’t settle for less.” I knew he was trying hard to hide his feeling. I told him, “If you say sorry to me and you mean it, we can try again. You’ve been the only man I’ve ever known and I want it to remain this way forever. I’m still the same person. Nothing has changed so if you mean what you say, apologized properly and let’s pick it up again.”
The reason we are still here today as a husband and a wife is because I made that call. He came home with his senior brother to apologize to me properly and ask for forgiveness. His brother said, “I’m now a witness. Whatever happens, you can call me and I’ll put him in order.”
Nothing happened again. Felix treated me like I was his everything. He worshipped the ground I walked on and sought my opinions in everything he did. The second coming lasted for only four months and then he asked me to marry him. Somehow, he believed Chukwu was lurking in the dark, waiting to pounce on my doubts. He couldn’t risk it. Right after our coming back together, I told Chukwu everything and told him why we couldn’t go on. He even thanked me for being truthful to him and that was our final conversation.
Today, I’m amazed at the kind of husband Felix had become. I knew he was a good person but I never thought he could be this kind of a man. He’s not only a good husband but also a good father to this little girl we are raising under our roof. After all is said and done, I also give myself a pat on the back for believing in him and giving him another chance. It’s the reason we are here—enjoying this second chance God has given us.
—Paulina
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