I don’t remember our first meeting clearly but I remember there was a day we met in a group meeting. I had already seen Prince on Facebook. He was a friend to a very good friend of mine and he commented on that friend’s post a lot. I started noticing him, though I never interacted with him on Facebook. We were not even friends in the first place. I was only admiring his way of writing things and how controversial he sounded sometimes. I was invited to that group meeting by our mutual friend, Dede. During the meeting, first-timers were asked to introduce themselves and they all did. When it got to my turn and I stood up, Prince said, “Oh that’s Erica. I know her on Facebook and I’ve been reading her updates all the time.”
He won’t let me do my own introduction. He mentioned my name and even told them what I did for a living. I was shocked; “How did he know all that about me? We’ve never talked and are not friends on Facebook so how could he know so much about me?” At that moment I thought he had been talking to our Dede about me but later when I asked her she told me she’d never spoken to Prince about me. After the group meeting, I walked up to him and asked, “How come you know so much about me but I don’t?” He smiled; “I’ve been following you. Dede tagged you in her post one day and I went to check you out. Since then, I go to your page every now and then to check what you’ve been up to.”
I also confessed my admiration for him and what he does; “You’re controversial sometimes but I feel it adds to the spice of who you are and it’s a good thing.” We spoke all evening after the program. He walked me to the bus stop and stopped a taxi for me. I left that evening with a piece of him with me. I liked him but not in an amorous way. I loved his way of thinking and the fact that he also liked me. We built some friendships from that day on. When we were on the phone, there was nothing we didn’t talk about. He spoke fondly of his girlfriend and I spoke fondly of my boyfriend to him. The only difference was that my boyfriend was an imaginary one. He was a guy I admired and wished he would propose to me but he wasn’t even a friend.
One day Prince told me, “Go for him. Do everything to get his attention, who knows? he would fall for you too.” I told him, “I like him but I don’t think he would be that guy for me. I don’t think he can wait until marriage before we do shuperu. He’s too hot. He has a lot of women around him and I know he gets what he wants from them. What would he use me for? A girl with all these beliefs and values won’t attract his attention.” We delved deeper into why I wanted to hold on until marriage. He asked me, “So you mean you haven’t done it before? At your age and how hot you are? Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re missing out on a lot of fun.” I told him I wasn’t losing anything; “If anything at all, I’m losing out on a lot of heartbreaks because my friends who go into it and later come out come with a story that says, “I shouldn’t have given myself to him.”
We were friends for over a year when his girlfriend left him. I was the shoulder he came to cry on. He loved that girl deeply and that breakup nearly destroyed him. Within that year, I had dated about three different guys and they all had left me because I wouldn’t let them see my nakedness. Anytime they left and I was crying, Prince will tell me, “Give them a little show. Maybe you won’t let them go all the way but a little of something isn’t bad.” He always accused me when my guys left me so when his girlfriend left him and he was breaking down, I told him. “You that you were doing everything, where did that take you to? Tell me. Are you married to any of them now?” He slapped my back and we both burst out laughing.
He told me, “The thing, I’m beginning to believe that it’s luck. Because some people have it so easy and there are us who must pass through the valley of death before we get to our destination.” I agreed with him on that. I said, “But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t persevere. We have to go on and on until God blesses us with the flesh of our own flesh.”
The next person I fell in love with was a married man. Prince was like, “Herh, you of all people? Craving for a married man?” I told him, “It’s a crazy heart I have, it’s not my fault. My biggest strength is the fact that I have control over my urges. I love him and it shows whenever I’m around him. He has a clue now and he might be warming up to propose to me but when he proposes, you know I’ll say no. I won’t go ahead with it though I love him to death. There are so many things we love but don’t end up owning all of them. He’ll be one of those things I love but can’t have.”
The day that man proposed to me through a text message, I sent a screenshot to Prince. I said, “Your man did it, finally.” He asked me, “So what are you going to tell him.” I responded, “I’m thinking about it.” His words were, “If you love him as you proclaim, then let him know. It will make him happy for a while and that takes away all the burden. Just don’t go through with it.” I took his advice so my response to the man was, “I love you too. You represent all the qualities I need in my husband—the way you take care of your family and how you’re always bantering with your wife on Facebook excites me. I wish to have a man like that but I wouldn’t like to steal someone’s own. I love you, I like you just as you like me but I don’t think I can do anything with you considering your situation.”
He pestered me for a while but later gave up on me. He became a good friend. Whenever I needed help and I reached out to him, he willingly offered his help. On my birthday, he bought me my first iPhone and a perfume I loved so much but couldn’t afford to buy for myself. We were good. Whenever he needed me to escort him to places, I made myself available to him. We were those good friends who built a fence around their fire so they don’t get consumed by their own fire.
When life was throwing me in and out of an emotional rollercoaster, Prince was also going through his own relationship issues. He’ll come and tell me about a beautiful girl he met yesterday and how their kids are going to be beautiful and all that. A week later, that girl wouldn’t be around. Sometimes it’s his fault that they run away. Oftentimes, it’s the fault of those women. They didn’t know how to hold a man like Prince down.
One evening we were on the phone talking and the conversation veered towards the street of our relationship issues. Clearly, he was suffering and I understood it. He said, “I’m thirty-two going to thirty-three. The dream was to get married before thirty. I want my kids to see me as a young man before I grow old. Look at me now, at this age, I don’t even have a girlfriend I can boldly say in a year or two I’m going to marry her. This love life thing is a field of sorrows, it seems. You can’t just be happy in peace.” What he said touched me. It looked like he was talking about my own love issues. I told him, “Prince, I’m here. We can work things out. I know we both have different values but we still can. Next time when you need a girl, I will be here for you. Just call me and I will come.”
He laughed at me. He called me a joke. He said, “I’ve always told you to go and look for a guy who wants to be a pastor. I and my kind are not good for you.” He took the whole thing as a joke but I was insistent and steadfast. He asked, “Erica, are you serious?” I asked him, “Prince, haven’t you suffered enough? I know you and you know me. How many years this, five years? What don’t we know about each other.”
Honestly, I didn’t know what I was saying or what I was getting myself into. Maybe I was overcome by emotions looking at what we were both going through. We started something but it took a long time for both of us to believe that we were actually doing this. He was scared to get closer to me because he knew I won’t allow it. I was yearning for him to get closer so I prove to him that I was ready. When we were together, it looked like there was a vast gulf between us. He would be at the far end of the room and I would be at the other end. I had to make the move so one day I did. He took my hand and I pushed in closer. He said, “What are we doing?” I answered, “You tell me.”
That day we kissed. It wasn’t my first kiss but it felt like it was. I’d never really allowed myself to have emotions but that day it was me letting myself go so the whole thing felt different. And the fact that I was doing it with a bad boy like Prince filled me with some sort of horror and fulfilment at the same time. At some point, I was even ready to go all the way with him if that would prove to him that I was serious about him. He said, “Let’s play your game and see where it takes us too. You’re a friend, if this doesn’t work, I don’t want to lose that friendship.” I answered, “It will work and I know it.”
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We dated for seven months and got married in the month of August because he wanted our marriage to coincide with his 34th birthday. We got married on the 4th of August 2017. Soon it would be our fifth anniversary, our wooden year in marriage. People will talk about how long they’ve been married and later say, “It hasn’t been easy…” Ours have been easy. I don’t really know what accounts for the smoothness we enjoy in our marriage now but maybe I will say it all boils down to our beginning and what we came to expect from each other. He tells me he had lost a lot of good things in his life so he knows now how to hold on to good things. I tell him I still see him as that bad boy so whatever good things he does surprises me so he shouldn’t stop being this good until the end of our days.
When our first child came it was very tough. I didn’t know how to put a baby to sleep or how to make him stop crying. We didn’t have the benefit of having a parent or an elder relative stay with us. We did it all alone. Baby cries at night and I tell him, “Do something and let’s see if it will work.” He would carry him around and rock him until he goes quiet. He’ll tell me, “Write it down, rocking a baby gently can make him stop crying.” When we were in doubt and didn’t know what to do, we resorted to a Google search; “How will I know the reason my baby is crying isn’t about food?” That was our first search because at some point we felt we were overfeeding the baby. Anytime he cried, a nipple went into his mouth. “It couldn’t always be hunger, right?” He asked so we searched.
We conquered our fears and won over our baby flawlessly. We have a second one now and that is easier. Some of the old tricks don’t work but a lot of them work so we take it a day at a time. For us to perpetuate this feeling we have in our marriage, we’ve both agreed that I will always be a wife and he’ll always be a husband—the meaning, we don’t even know but so far so good.
–Erica
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