Our marriage started falling apart just a year after marriage. It felt like I didn’t know my husband any longer. We stayed in the same house but we didn’t talk often. He was mostly angry and I was mostly angry about him getting angry all the time. One night after shuperu I wiped him off with a tissue. After everything, he asked me, “Where is the tissue? The tissues you used to wipe.” I answered, “It’s in the dustbin.” He got up, and went into the dustbin to check if it was indeed in.” When he came back he said, “I wanted to be sure it’s in. Who knows, you can use it for juju and destroy my life.” I snapped. That night I told him my mind. I was visibly angry. So angry I was shaking. I was expecting him to get up and say sorry but he didn’t care. He picked up his phone and started scrolling away.

I slept in the hall that day. The next day, I slept on the floor while he was in the bed enjoying himself. I was expecting an apology that never came. I went to sleep next to him one night and he also picked up his pillow and went to the hall. It continues every night when we went to sleep. Whoever goes to bed first takes the bed. The next person can sleep wherever. And then he started coming home very late. I was angry but I didn’t ask questions. I decided to retaliate. I will come home at 7pm and he wouldn’t be home. I will go out again and come back when he was home. I wanted to get him angry, angry enough to ask me where I was coming from. No matter what I did, he kept mute on me.

Our marriage was only a year old but I felt it was coming to an end. We dated for only seven months and got married. We never spent a weekend together or even a whole night together before we got married. I met him one night. He got my number. A week later he proposed. I said yes. Two days after that, he traveled to Morocco on a project. We spoke on the phone often. We did video calls and texted all night when we could. He spent six months in Morocco. When he returned to Ghana, we got married the following month. No, I didn’t think we were rushing. Love is like that. It happens to different people differently. Ours was so strong we didn’t want to waste time. We got married immediately and settled in together.

At some point, I understood why we were fighting. We didn’t know each other that deeply. Some of the fights were childish. In hindsight, just ‘sorry’ from any of us would have solved the situation but none of us was ready to say sorry. We fought the fight we should have fought while dating. We didn’t have time to date well so all the fights that should have happened came when we were married. Things came to a head one night. We nearly traded blows. I could see restraint in his hands. I could feel the same restraint from how I lowered my voice. He walked out of the house and said, “take the house. You witch.”

He didn’t come back again until the next morning. His friend called me late in the night and asked me what was going on. I told him about the fight. He said, “James is here with me. He doesn’t want to talk that’s why I’m asking you.” I told him, “Tell him not to step here again. He should find another wife and live with her.” When he returned the next morning, we continued the fight. One of us had to keep quiet, I knew it but I didn’t want to be the one to keep quiet for him to bully me.

He took solace in his friends and I also took solace in my friends. Akos told me, “Men are like that. He has a new girlfriend, that’s why he’s treating you like that.” Efua seconded. I believed them.

There is this guy who was a client of the company I’m working with. We became friends and started talking every day. One day he asked me, “Are you sure you’re married? Or you’re just wearing the ring to scare suitors off?” I told him, “I’m married but it’s not any proper marriage. You think any properly married woman would be talking to you this late? Ask me where my husband is and I won’t be able to tell you. He might be somewhere chasing women.”

After telling him that, I broke down and cried. He asked me, “Do you need someone to talk to?” I said, “No I’m fine.” He answered, “Fine people don’t break down in tears easily like that. Let’s meet in town if you can. You need to cool down before you sleep.” It was around 9pm. I got up, dressed up, and met him in town. We spoke until around 11pm before I came home. My husband wasn’t back. That night, he didn’t come home.

This new guy listened to me. He treated me like a human and gave me all the attention I needed. I realized I was falling for him but I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way until one day he sent me a text, “I will be there for you in whatever form you want me to be there. Just name it. Just call on me at any given time and I will be there.” That was all about it. That was his proposal. We started flirting on the phone. We talked about things lovers talk about. We planned things only young lovers would plan. We shared tips and tricks on how to satisfy each other.

I was very vocal but whenever it got to acting, I got scared and chickened out. I knew my marriage was breaking down but I wasn’t ready to give my husband the ultimate reason to walk out. I wasn’t ready to be at fault when the time came for us to depart. I told myself, “When he catches me with another man, every bad thing he had done to me would be forgotten. He would hammer on my infidelity as the sole reason our marriage didn’t work.” That was my fear so even when I went all out to flirt and plan nasty things with the guy, I didn’t have the heart to carry them through.

One afternoon, the pastor who officiated our marriage called me. He said, “Your husband just left here. He made a lot of complaints against you. Can you pass by tomorrow after work so we talk things over?”

I was there with the pastor when my husband walked in. The pastor asked, “What is going on?” I rained out my part of the story. He also said what he thought was true for him. The pastor asked, “I want to know. Do you want the marriage to work or you want to break up and live your separate lives?” We were both quiet. He asked us the same question three times but we couldn’t answer. He said, “Go home and come tomorrow evening. walk together and discuss whether you want it or not.”

We fought on our way going home. It wasn’t the kind of fight we used to fight. This one was lighter. It felt like a call for reconciliation. When we got home we talked. Harsh talks and then mellow talks. We didn’t agree on anything. The next day when we went back, the pastor collected our phones and asked us to be home together all weekend. “Close your doors and do all the things you used to do when the love was new. No fighting. No harsh words. Just stay indoors. Talk to each other. Bring yourself back to the point where both of you can be at peace.”

It was difficult at first but on the second-day things softened between us. I cooked and he ate. We watched movies and we talked about them. We slept in the same bed. I put my legs on him and he took the bait. It was the best I’ve ever had. After that, we talked until the cock crowed. I cried. A lot. He apologized for his harsh words and I did the same. We were good. The next morning was a Sunday. We went to church and the pastor prayed for us and later gave us our phones. He said, “Go and make it work. If you water it well, things will go green again.”

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My marriage is working so I ignored that guy. I wasn’t picking up his calls and I wasn’t responding to his messages. Honestly, I didn’t know how deep he had gone. One night he sent me a very long voice note calling me ungrateful and what have you. The next morning, I called him and he yelled and spoke angrily at me. He called me a disappointment, childish and ungrateful. I tried to calm him down but he was that hyper. I asked him, “What do you want from me?” He answered, “You made promises. You have to deliver and stop hiding.”

I told him, “I’m married. Yes, I had bad times but bad times don’t invalidate marriages. I can’t do what you want me to do because I’m married. I and my husband are on good terms now. It’s the reason I’m not able to reach out. “His last words were, “We shall see who will laugh last.” And then he cut the call. I felt threatened so I called him again almost immediately. He didn’t pick up my calls and didn’t answer my text. He reads them and yet says nothing. Now I’m beginning to get scared. I don’t know how far he can go to ensure that he laughs last but when I think of all the flirty messages we’ve shared, I begin to shiver. We are in the age of screenshots. What if…”

Everything is going smoothly in my marriage now. My husband has taken his position as the husband who loves his wife. I’m also playing my role as the submissive wife who will go all out to satisfy her husband but I can’t stop thinking about that guy and what he can possibly do with the messages we exchanged. Should I confess to my husband and set my mind free?

I can swear I didn’t do anything with him. Yeah, the messages were saucy and wrong but that was all about it. I didn’t even give him a hug but if those messages get to my husband, I don’t know what I will do to free myself from the spin he will put on the messages. That’s my headache now. That’s what keeps me awake at night.

Should I confess?

–Wendy

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