When I met Paul, I was in a relationship with someone else. We were just friends but he was good to me. He was there for me when my boyfriend was doing everything to push me away. When my relationship was stressing me, it was Paul who showered me with love and care and gave me pampering where my own boyfriend trampled on my emotions. We couldn’t survive it, me and my boyfriend. We broke up. I had to make the decision to leave because nothing was working. Paul was there for me when I left. If my boyfriend was the pain, Paul was the balm that soothe the pain.

We didn’t rush to be together, me and Paul. We just stayed as friends and enjoyed each other’s friendship. I had known him long enough to be drawn to him emotionally. I met his friends, brothers, and colleagues and the energy around them was always welcoming. They often came to visit me at work and took me to lunch. I was glad to be welcomed into his circle of friends and family. The warm acceptance I felt in his circle became the green light he needed to take things a step further. One day he asked me to be his girlfriend and I readily said “Yes.” There was no need to think about it or play hard to get. I had loved him for a very long time. That aside, I knew what I wanted in a man and he came as the kind of man my heart needed.

He took a special interest in my life and sought to provide a fertile ground on which my life could sprout and bloom. He asked me, “Why didn’t you further your education after SHS?” I answered, “I haven’t even gone for my certificate let alone think about going to school again.” One day, he drove all the way to my SHS and collected my certificate. On his way back, he called, “Babe, I have your certificate here with me but your results aren’t good at all. You will have to rewrite the exams. Just do it for my sake. I want you to give me the results I can be proud of. I trust you.” I said, “You want me to rewrite the exams after five years?” He laughed and said, “Don’t worry. We’ll take it like that. At least you can go to the tertiary school with it.”

His interest in my future was genuine and it showed in the way he treated me. He often told me, “I want you to become a powerful and influential woman and I’m willing to go all the way to help you out. I will do whatever it takes. You just have to be ready.” It wasn’t mere words when it came to Paul. He proved it with actions that his love for me was unmatched and divine.  That got me so excited I told my mother about him. “Mom you have to see this guy. He has the purest of intentions towards my future.”

We made love for the first time and for the first time I encountered something about him that I didn’t like. His “joystick.” Damn! The thing is so small at some point I was finding it hard to figure out whether it was in or out. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to body-shame him or something. I am 25 years old and I’m not innocent. I’ve seen enough to know the difference between small, big, and too small. Paul is too small. He had told me he didn’t do shuperu with his ex and at that moment, I understood why. His ex was thick and tall so maybe it was physically impossible for them to do it.

Soon after our first shuperu, everything changed. He changed drastically. He became very aggressive and quick-tempered. The least thing I did made him angry so he gave me the cold shoulder often. I was constantly apologizing for things I didn’t do. If I refused to visit him after work, he got angry. If he wanted shuperu and I said no, he got angry. He wanted me to make my body ready and available to him whenever he was in the mood. I understood that he must have been starved until I came along, as he said I am the only one who is small down there to accommodate his imperfection. I understood his need but I’m also a human. I have needs that needed satisfaction too.

Whenever I say, “No I can’t do it today” Paul would get angry and not talk to me for days. To restore the peace between us, I would have to go and beg him to forgive me. It was my own body but I had to apologize for not availing it for his selfish needs. At some point, I asked myself, “Is this the man who couldn’t go a full hour without talking to me?” He stopped calling. He stopped texting. He stopped checking up on me and to make matters worse, he didn’t pick up my calls often. He stopped doing all the things that made me fall in love with him. He became unnecessarily aggressive. He will cease my phone when I’m with him and tell me when to sleep and when to wake up. On regular days, he will treat me anyhow he wants but when he wants shuperu, he would come groveling like a child seeking favor from his parents.

I’m not dependent on him. He insists on giving me a monthly allowance but I don’t need it and he knows. I earn enough from my business to sustain myself. I don’t even touch my salary let alone his money. I mostly rely on my side job as a makeup artist. So, it isn’t that he is responsible for my upkeep so he had to treat me the way he wants. Recently I complained, “You’ve changed, Paul. You don’t answer my calls and my texts like you used to. Is there something I’m not doing for you? What can I do to fix us? What can I do to bring the love back into this relationship?” He said I’m asking too many questions so he got angry and decided not to talk to me for four days. I spoke to one of his female friends to talk to him. I was doing everything to restore the love. It rather aggravated our issue.

I finally decided to let him go. I’m 25 but I feel stuck. It feels like I’ve been in the same place for the past five years. I am not a lazy woman. I have been working since I completed SHS and I haven’t taken a day’s rest. I was content with life and where it had taken me until Paul came along and showed me that I could be so much more. He ignited the flames of my imagination and for once, I started seeing a bigger future for myself, a future where Paul was at the center. I made plans with him in mind while he made plans for only himself. I even overlooked the size of his dangling imperfection because a better future has no regard for sizes. But Paul kept pushing me away.

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I told him one day, “Paul, I don’t think it’s working. This is not who we used to be and it’s been like that for a very long time. I think it’s best for us to go our separate ways.” He responded, “It’s your fault we are having problems. If you apologize to me and ask for forgiveness, I will forgive you and bring back the love.” I just knew that I had to get rid of him for good but just when I made up my mind to call it quit, I found out that I’m pregnant for him. It’s always the small leak that causes the big ship to sink. Who would have thought?

I told him I was pregnant and he said, “This is not the best time to have a baby. I have plans for you, remember? You will learn a trade and then travel. You can’t have a baby now. It will mess up our future and our plans for a better life. If you don’t want to travel too, then you will have to go back to school. I don’t know how that will work out for you with a baby in the picture.”

In short, he is asking me not to have the baby but he’s covering his devilish agenda with sweet talks and a fake exhibition of care. We are both doing well financially so I don’t even know what his fears are. I don’t think I will be happy in life if I end up with Paul yet I’m carrying his child. What am I supposed to do now? I’m planning to go and visit my mother. I’ll spend some time around my family and see if their company will have a healing effect on my aching heart.

I’m lost and don’t know what step to take next.

–Irene

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