My father is a retired educationist. My mom is retired too. She’s a retired nurse. A year before I got married, I had a call from my mother. She was complaining about my father; “Talk to your father before I pick my things and leave the house for him. How can a man his age go after women? He doesn’t even go after grown-up women. All he does these days is to chat women your age and spend his money on them.” I asked my mom, “Have you seen him doing that? Where? When?” She answered, “Pick your phone and call him. Ask him how many times I’ve caught him and how many times he has apologized?”
I didn’t call my dad. I didn’t think it was an issue that needed my input. I called my junior sister and discussed it with her. Before I could say anything my sister said, “Mom called me too. She said the same thing. I called dad and he denied all the allegations. I don’t think there’s anything any of us can do to help them. They were here long before we came. They should be able to handle their marital issues.”
A day or two later, my junior brother called me. He called to discuss the same issue with me. “Mom called. She said dad is cheating so she wants to leave the house.” I’m the eldest child. My junior sister was married. My junior brother was also married. I was a few months away from getting married. If anything, I was the one going to be affected so I gathered my siblings and we paid them a surprise visit.
My dad speaks slowly. He’s not a man to argue with you. Immediately he tells you what’s on his mind, he doesn’t talk again. He said, “There are people I talk to. Both women and men. Your mom has problems with me talking to women so I apologized. Now, she goes around telling people that I’m cheating. I won’t mind her. She’s my wife. Any disgrace that comes on me, she would suffer the same disgrace. Allow her to talk.”
When my mother had the space, she gave us instances and how she caught my dad cheating with a woman called Agartha. That was like ten years ago but she brought it up. She spoke her heart out. She spoke at length. We sat and gave her the listening ear. When she was done, we asked her to exercise restraint. “You’ve made it this far. You made it possible for us to have a good life. This is the time for you to rest and watch us live the life you’ve always wanted us to live. We are doing our best to make you proud. Do your best to continue living together because we need you both together.”
It didn’t stop there. Mom kept calling. She kept complaining. There was nothing I could do to help. We watched them live their married lives the best way they can while we went around living our lives.
I got married. They were there for me. They were together. They played their role as parents. They made it possible for us to have a great wedding. During the traditional wedding when the floor was given to my mom to advise the couple, every sentence she spoke had ‘cheating’ in it. “Man, love your wife. I raised her well. She won’t cheat on you. Don’t cheat on her too. You’ll grow old together. You’ll retire. Still don’t cheat on her. It’s very important that you don’t cheat. I know what I’m talking about.”
My sister looked at me and smiled. My dad’s eyes were on the floor. He knew who that message was for. He knew how it was going to end. Regardless, we had a beautiful wedding. Both of them were there to give us their blessings.
For a very long time, mom didn’t call to complain. I called my sister, “Has she called you recently? Has she called to complain about dad’s cheating?” She’ll answer, “No she hasn’t. It’s been a while. I think they are cool now.” When I talked to my brother, I asked the same question. He also had the same answer. I could rest easy, knowing all was well with them.
My mother started preparing to come and live with me when I was seven months pregnant. She said, “Tell your mother-in-law that I’m the one coming for this one. She can come for the next one if she wants to.” Immediately I hit nine months, she came to live with us, waiting for the baby to drop. five months ago I gave birth. She had been here to provide the necessary support I’ve always needed while complaining about what my dad might be doing. “Now that I’m not there with him, I won’t be surprised if he brings the women home.” My dad would call every day and be grateful that he could finally rest his head while my mom is away.
For some time now, I’d been seeing a lot of changes around here. My mom’s support for me ends immediately I return from work. She would go out and come later in the evening. “I went for a walk. I’ve been home all day.” The walk could last for hours but she wouldn’t mention where she went to. “It’s just a walk. Walking around the vicinity.”
One afternoon, I was at work when my husband called me. He said, “I came home, and guess what? Your mom was here with a visitor. A man. Are you aware a man was coming to visit?” When I got home, I joked with her, “Mom, I learned you had a visitor today. Who was that?” This woman got angry. Her first question was, “So I can’t have a visitor again because I’m living in your house? Or you want me to ask permission before bringing in a visitor here? Why did he tell you? Did he come to meet the man on top of me?” Her response shocked me but what shocked me more was the fact that she picked a fight with my husband afterward. For telling me. She didn’t speak to him for days.
One evening, Around 11pm my baby was disturbing me. I needed to sleep but he kept crying all night. Nothing I did help so I decided to send him to my mother so I could have some sleep. I knocked on my mother’s door and she didn’t answer. I opened the door and entered, she wasn’t there. I called out her name several times and there was no response. My husband came out. “So where has she gone to?” He asked me. I called her phone and it rang inside of the room. Her phone was on charge. The main door was locked but the key wasn’t in the keyhole. “She’s gone out,” I told my husband. He asked, “At this time?”
I sat in the living room until 1am when I heard the door open. When she saw me sitting there she got jumpy. She started explaining herself, “Oh, I went for a walk ooo. The room was too hot I couldn’t sleep. I needed to stretch my legs.” I didn’t say anything. I just walked into my room and continued sleeping. The next morning she came to me trying hard to explain herself. I didn’t say a word. I started monitoring her. I asked the neighbors questions and a woman who has a provision store next to our house told me, “There’s a man who comes around often. Some evenings, he walks her to the door and goes back. I see them all the time.” I wanted to see that man for myself so I came home unexpectedly one afternoon and lo and behold, this man was in the room with her. Shirtless. As if he was living in his own house.
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He could be my mother’s age but he looks younger. When he saw me, he quickly picked up his shirt and asked permission to leave. My mom couldn’t look at me in the face. I said, “So this is the man who is rocking your world, right? Now I know who is cheating and it’s not my dad.” If I thought this woman was going to mellow then I got it all wrong. “Who the hell are you to judge? Do you know how long I’ve been suffering in that marriage? What haven’t I told you about your dad? Have you been able to do anything about it? You found me with a man so suddenly I’m the devil. Do you know how many women I’ve found him with? Don’t go there else I would be very angry with you. I’m not a child. Leave me to live my life the way I want. Clearly, you couldn’t help when it was your father. Don’t pretend you can help when it’s me.”
She walked out on me and entered her room.
From that day, she stopped hiding it. She would go to the man and come late in the night. One Saturday afternoon she dressed up nicely and told me, “I’m going to meet him. There’s a place he wants me to escort him to. I will come in the evening.” I tried to stop her that afternoon. She didn’t mind me. She walked over me. My husband said, “By all means don’t tell your father but let’s send her away. We can get somebody to replace her and send her away.”
I told her, “I think I can take it from here so you can go back home. Decide on when you want to go and let me know. I will provide everything to ensure your safe travel.” It’s been two weeks since I told her that. She’s still here with us. I haven’t told my sister about it and I haven’t told my brother too. Those two have a special connection with my father. I won’t trust them with such information. The way things are going, If I try to force her out, she may relocate to the man’s house. It’s very possible and it would mean a failure on my part if that happens. The two of them may be going through issues but I don’t think at their age, divorce should be an option. Immediately they divorce, they would become a burden on us. That’s my ultimate fear. I want her to leave but I can’t force her to leave. What do you think is the best way for me to handle this without blowing it out of proportion?
I don’t want my dad to hear this. He’s too old to deal with such news—a cheating wife. What’s the best way to handle this so it doesn’t blow on my face? Please help.
–Cilla
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This is not a woman you can bottle up. But your father has to hear her new life from herself. Ask her to move, by all means, and if she moves in with Mr. Shirtless, it will be for her to explain to her husband. Don’t support her immorality by allowing her to use your home to cheat your father. It could destroy the daughter-father relationship, if she finds out while she’s still in your house.
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Hello Cilla, i’ve understood every bit of your story,
What i think you can also do is to see the man going after your mom and speak to him.
Speak to him in the sense that, SPEAK TO HIS CONSCIENCE. When you read the bible, the story of David and Abigail in particular, there was a time when David was going to kill Abigail’s husband. What Abigail did was to Speak to David’s conscience ( she told him the gravity of the consequences his actions will bring) and that prevented David from executing his plans.
So get to meet this man and tell him the gravity of what he’s doing; that the marriage of your parents is one God has brought together.
Therefore God says in His word that what He’s put together, let no man asunder. ( Matthew 19:6)
God also says that , “ It is impossible but that offenses will come, but woe unto him through whom they come!” (Luke 17:1)
I believe when you say such things to Him, God’s word is Spirit and would bring conviction to him.
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