I was in SHS when I fell in love with Theresa. Her father and my mom were very good friends and we were in church together. Theresa was in class six when I also became friends with her. I was in JHS two then. We went to church together and were very close. All that while, I couldn’t propose to her though I was seriously crushing on her. At the time, they had this thing where you propose to a girl and the girl would run to her father and tell him about it. It happened in the church a lot so I was scared to propose. It happened to my friend Eric. The girl he proposed to did him very dirty so for a very long time he couldn’t come to church or attend group meetings. I didn’t want to face that problem so I kept mute and crushed silently.

My father was transferred out of town and he moved with my mother and my junior brother. I was left behind because I was in school. I couldn’t change schools and was close to completing JHS so they thought I should live with a relative and complete JHS before joining them. I went to live with my aunt whose husband didn’t like me. My aunt had three children and the firstborn, Joojo, was my age mate. It was him I moved with. It was him I shared my secret with. I told him about Theresa. He said, “Go ahead and propose to her. She can’t kill you. That’s the worst that could happen to a man, death. If she can’t kill you then there’s no reason to fear.”

I had fear of being embarrassed. If she ran and told her father about it, my problem would be worse because her father and my mother were very good friends. I held on to the proposal but I stayed close. I was so close people thought she was my girlfriend. I liked it that way so no one would trespass. I completed JHS and was about to go to SHS. One evening after junior choir practice, we stood under a tree close to the church and that was where I proposed to her. I was going to the boarding school the next day so I had no fears. “If she runs to tell her father about it, I would be in school the following day so what’s there to fear.” I pepped myself up.

She said yes. No “I’m going to think about it,” and no playing hard to get. Her answer was emphatic yes. She even blamed me for proposing too late. “Why would you wait until you’re leaving for school tomorrow before you propose? You say you love me today and leave me tomorrow? How am I going to live with the loneliness?” I assured her, “You don’t have to worry. I will write you letters every day when I get to school.”

It was the year 2001. Letters were the thing. There were telephone handsets hanging on the walls of a few houses. The walls of the rich people. Theresa’s family was not rich so they didn’t have a telephone in the house. The only means of communication was through letters.  When I got home that day, I told Joojo about it. I was elated. All night I couldn’t sleep and I made sure he stayed awake to listen to my love story. “Joojo, can you imagine my luck? She said yes to me. Theresa is my girlfriend now. You should learn to respect me. But my regret was not proposing to her earlier. Now I’m leaving her tomorrow. I’m going to miss her.” Joojo would be dozing off but I would tap him to stay awake. At some point, he slept. I stayed awake all night, thinking about Theresa. The following morning, I picked my trunk and chop box and went to school.

I wrote her a letter as soon as I got hang of how things worked on campus. It took two to three weeks to get a reply. Whenever I received a letter from her, it was a celebration. I will get the letter in the afternoon but I won’t open it. I would dress up my bed, put my net in shape, and put the letter under my pillow. In the evening when we sang, “Now the day is over…” I will take my bath, enter my net, take the letter, kiss it before I open it. I won’t read it once or twice. I would read it slowly, soaking in the words and imagining her sitting next to me while she reads out loud to me. I would read the letter over and over again until I will fall asleep. Somedays I would sleep and dream about her. Crazy dreams but I will wake up and not remember anything. Those were my wild teenage years.

The night before my first ever vacation, I couldn’t sleep. I wished the day would come sooner so I could travel back home to see Theresa. The morning came and the school was dismissed. Immediately I got home, I went to her house. Those were the best days of my young life. We didn’t go anywhere interesting but seeing her and being close to her was enough. I didn’t have to buy any expensive things, just a letter and I love you were enough to keep the relationship going. To date, I still believe young love is the purest thing. The adult got angry when they saw us in love. They called us stupid and made a mockery of our feelings of love. They screamed at us, “What do you know about love that you’re wasting your time in one? This is the age you have to marry your books and give birth to success. Stop being silly and bury your head in your books.”

They were not just angry. They were simply jealous of us. Jealous of the fact that we were capable of loving truly while all they do is go through one heartbreak after another. Our kind of love had no heartbreaks but the adult kind of love had all the pain, deceit, infidelity, and more pain. While we loved easily, they were in hard times trying to figure out who they truly love. It was the reason they hated our kind of love. It was too easy in their eyes they felt it wasn’t true. Adults and jealousy.

I came home for vacation one day and for the first time, Theresa wasn’t happy to see me. The first thing she said when she saw me was, “You and that your brother have to be very careful. I’m not a baby that you’ll toy with.” I asked, “My brother? Joojo? What has he done? What did he tell you?” I tried all my best to get her to tell me what the problem was but she never did. She kept repeating that phrase, “I’m not a baby that the two of you will toy with.”

She had completed JHS and was about to go to SHS. She was growing more pretty each day and that was the time I felt our love was going to blossom. But there she was, giving me attitude. I rushed home and asked Joojo what was happening. “What have you told Theresa? Why is she angry? Did you tell her something bad about me? What did you do to her that she’s angry?” He said, “Go and ask her? She’s the one who is angry so she would be the best person to tell you why.”

I pressed and pressed until one day Theresa told me what happened; “Your brother invited me home because he said you’ve left something for me. When I got there, he proposed to me. I said no. He tried to push things but I kept saying no because I’m dating you. Then he told me you told him that you already have a girlfriend on campus so you’re just using me for fun.”

At first, she thought I was putting her to a test but because my cousin was persistent for a very long time, she believed him. She believed that I indeed had a girlfriend and I was just using her. When I confronted Joojo, it turned into a fight. His father heard us fighting and he came to ask why. That man never liked me. He listened to his son without listening to me. His son told a lie on me that I’ve been bringing girls home when everyone was out of the house and he had caught me twice sleeping with Theresa. He warned me and it turned into a fight. His father beat me mercilessly both with a belt and with his hands. He sent a message to my parents that they should come for me before I start to impregnate all the girls in the community. His father went to Theresa’s father and told him another lie. That he personally saw me sleeping with his daughter. Theresa was also beaten and warned not to see or talk to me again.

The farthest I went with that girl was holding her hands after church one day. If I kissed her, they were the kisses I wrote at the bottom of the letters I sent her. I once had a dream that I was hugging her. That was it. We never had anything physical because we were young and didn’t have room for ourselves. No space to explore anything so we left everything to the future. I saw Theresa on Sunday and I couldn’t look at her twice. She looked beaten, just like I was beaten. That was when the hatred for Joojo started. I vowed in my heart never to talk to him again. After everything, he went around spreading the same lie about me. He would then come home and tease me with his other siblings.

After school, I left their place and went to my parents, still carrying the hurt and pain of what happened to me and Theresa. The first day my mother saw me she said, “Now that you’re here, I have my eyes on you. Let me see you talking to any girl and you’ll see what I would do to you.” No one ever believed me and I would carry the pain in my heart until I grew up to become a man. I never forgave Joojo. I avoided him like a plague. When I had the opportunity and went back home, I talked to everyone but when I saw him coming, I would leave the scene.

In 2014 his father died. I didn’t attend the funeral. In 2017, he sent a message that he was getting married. My mom and my dad and my two other siblings went to the wedding. I didn’t go. When he was christening his first child, an invitation came. I never went. His junior sister got married the following year and I was there. I didn’t invite him to my wedding but he came. I never talked to him. There were complaints. His mother called to ask why the two of us don’t talk. I didn’t tell her it was because of that fight.

In 2021, he was working on a live cable when he got electrocuted. He was severely burnt and was admitted to the hospital. I got the news but I never bothered until my mom visited him at the hospital and brought a photo to show me. She said, “This is your brother. You still won’t go and see him.” Then it kicked me that I was being too unforgiving. I told my mom, “I would go and see him on Saturday.” On Friday night, he died. My mom said, “He’s gone. Are you still fighting with him?” I broke down that day and cried my head off. My mom kept repeating that phrase until I left her presence. My wife tried to console me and it was at that point she asked me, “So what really happened between you two?”

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I told her everything. She asked, “Is that all? So, the fight between you two was because of something that happened in 1909? And you didn’t forgive him? Why? How? I thought you men are not like that.” I answered, “He never apologized. I was waiting for him to confess his lies but he never did until his father died. Again, I was expecting him to come clean. To clear the air about what really happened. He never did. How could I have forgiven him?”

I didn’t attend his funeral. Not because I was still angry but because I was too ashamed to be there. You don’t treat people badly when they are alive and later mourn their death. I was feeling guilty and the burden of guilt didn’t allow me to attend his funeral. I needed to forgive and move on but who was I going to forgive? I could have gone to his father and confronted him with the truth and later make up with him but he was dead. His son too was gone. Who do I forgive? It became my burden and my guilt until a counselor told me to seek closure. I went to his mom and explained everything to her. She said, “It doesn’t matter anymore. Just be at peace because they are at peace now.”

Theresa got married to a man in Australia. That’s where she lives now. I saw her on Facebook and we talked. I took her number and we talked about everything. She laughed. She said, “We were kids and very stupid. Why did we allow such a thing to happen to us?” I said, “They lied about us. We got beaten for something we never did.” She said, “I don’t even remember the details as you do. It must have really hurt you.” I said, “It did but no more.”

That was all the closure I needed but every now and then my cousin’s name springs to my mind and I feel the guilt all over again. I should have forgiven him even when he didn’t ask for it. Now, it has become a burden I may carry to the end.

—Thom         

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