If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.

Two major things had rocked our marriage since I shared my story. The first one sent us closer to the precipice of destruction. The second one, well, we are still going through it. For better or worse, these two things carved a different road for me and my heart and the love that I lacked. 

A lot of people didn’t understand my story the first time I shared it. It was expected. Not everyone will understand why, because they are not the ones who made the decision. So it wasn’t surprising at all when people said I was still in love with my ex and I’m used to toxicity that’s why I couldn’t love Nii when all he had brought into my life was joy. Things are not as easy as black and white when it comes to love. I left my ex three clear years before I met Nii. My ex made several attempts to have a comeback but I brushed him off my shoulders. I only mentioned him in the story because I still had shadow memories of how I felt when I was with him. 

Nii’s case was different. My heart didn’t leap when he proposed to me. I didn’t care whether he calls or not. Even when we got married, I didn’t care whether he comes home or not. It’s the reason why we didn’t fight. Fight happens because we are emotionally invested. You care about someone and love them so much that little things they do hurt you. If you call and they don’t pick up, you get angry. Because you’re emotionally attached to them. I didn’t feel that emotions with Nii. He loved me. He was always emotional towards me but I didn’t have that emotional energy so I couldn’t reciprocate. I respected him enough as a husband. I submitted to his wishes and did whatever he required of me. He loved me every day because I was a perfect fit for his desires. But why couldn’t I feel the same way? 

That was a question I needed an answer to when I posted my story. Konadu was very frank with me. “If you’re not happy, talk to him about it and leave the marriage. Else one day you’ll die empty.” I told her, “Telling him isn’t my problem. I could have told him from day one but I know him. He’ll ask me why and I wouldn’t have an answer. Not having an answer is my problem. He’s a good man. I don’t want him to look for what is not there. I’m not suffering. He makes life better. I can live this way for the rest of my life.” 

When Covid was new Nii had it. He treated it as malaria but it got worse. He couldn’t sleep at night. He would sweat all night and wouldn’t blink a lid until the next morning. It was tough for him, especially at night. He went to the hospital and was tested. He was positive. Luckily for us, no one had it. He didn’t return from the hospital. We were not allowed to visit because of you know what. At first, he would call and tell us how he was faring. Days later, he couldn’t call. His cough got so severe. It became critical. I started getting scared. “What if….” I couldn’t add it. I was scared to even think about it. “What if he doesn’t come home again? How Am I going to do it alone.?

The kids never stopped asking where he was. The first child; “Where’s Dady? Why is he not calling? What is wrong with him?” The second one: “When is daddy coming? He said he would buy me toys. He’s keeping long.” The third one asked of him consistently. There was not a single minute without his name. I would wake up at dawn and pray for him. “God, If this is a test of faith, please I’ve had enough. I only want to hear his voice. I want to know how he’s doing from his own mouth. Please don’t take him away from me. It’s hard. If nothing at all, look at the faces of the kids and spar his life.”

In the morning, I would look out for the case update. My interest was in who died. It made my situation worse. I fasted. I prayed. I called Konadu and she prayed with me. Nii’s parents would call and ask me to bring the kids. I would decline because they were the ones keeping me company. I didn’t want silence around me. I didn’t want noise around me too. My phone was always closer to my ears, listening, hoping he would call but he never did. 

One night I had a dream. I was in black clothes and crying. My mom was sitting next to me and consoling me. I was inconsolable. I kept screaming, “How Am I going to go through this life all alone? I shouted in the dream and it came out of my mouth. I woke up and checked my phone. I called his line. It was off. I went on my knees and started crying. I was supposed to pray but I couldn’t utter a word. I cried and cried. All I heard myself saying was, “God I miss him. Please make a way.”

The next morning I was making food for the kids when my phone rang. I rushed to it and guess who was calling,  Nii. But I was scared to pick up the phone. What if….What if they are calling to give me the news? The news of his demise. I didn’t pick. The call came again. I picked. But the phone wasn’t on my ears. The sound was feeble, “Hello. Hello.” I said, “Hello.” The voice said, “Hey, How are you?” Almost in whispers, I said, “Nii…Nii.” He answered, “Yeah I’m here. I’m getting better. I would be home very soon.”

I threw myself on the bed and screamed, “Yes! Yes! Thank you, God. I rushed back to the hall and told the eldest, “Dad’s coming home very soon. He’s coming.” I called his mom. She said, “He has called. Our prayers worked.” Days later, he was on the door, looking pale and lanky. A shadow of his own self. I didn’t know if I should hug him or slap him. He stretched out his hand and I held it. I pulled him inside and the kids rushed and hugged. His nose mask never left his face. I looked into his eyes. There was this longing—longing for home. I sat next to him and didn’t want to leave his side. When he started narrating his ordeal he said, “I died. I thought I couldn’t make it. It’s only God.”

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He was watching TV with a nose mask covering the best part of his face. I was in the kitchen stealing glances at him every now and then. I was like, “Is that it? Did I have to go through all that before getting it?” Every now and then I would look at him. As if he was going to disappear again. I called Konadu. She asked me, “Is he feeling better now?” I responded, ”I’m feeling it. I’m feeling better. I’m so ashamed that I had to go through all this before feeling what I should have felt long ago. Ask me how I’m feeling and I’ll tell you that it feels like how it used to be. How It used to be when I was young and in love.” She laughed. She said, “I told you. I told you that it grows. It’s weird. Yours took so long.” 

“It didn’t take so long. It has always been there. Like the seed buried in the ground. It takes the rains for it to sprout into what it is destined to be.” 

So I decided not to let a day go by without making him feel the love I haven’t given him all these years. I was happier. He saw it through my incessant smiles. He saw it through the way I served him and was ready to make him feel better. But in late 2021, he traveled abroad. He’s going for a year. I asked myself the same questions I asked when he had the Covid, “How am I going to do it without him?” The difference here is that he’s doing well and I hear from him every now and then. I only have to pick up my phone and call and I will hear his voice. That’s better—way better than when I nearly lost him.  

—Mary

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