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I was in Junior high school or thereabout. My female teachers talked about me. They called me names. One called me in the staff common room and asked if I’ve ‘known a man.’ At first, I was confused. I said, “Yes, I know several men. Even my dad is a man so yes, I know a man.” She said, “Silly girl. That’s not what I mean. I’m asking if you’ve had a proposal from any of the teachers here.” I said, ‘Eiii madam, me? I’m only a small girl, how can I have a teacher as a boyfriend? No. my mother has warned me against that. I won’t have a boyfriend. Never.” And then she said, “Be careful around here. The male teachers. Be careful the way you relate to them. When they ask you to visit them, don’t go. The way they look at you, they may have bad intentions.”

That conversation created a different awareness in me, to the extent that I always looked behind me to see if a teacher is looking at me, especially when I walked past them. A hundred per cent of the time, they’ll be looking at me. The problem was my body. At the age of twelve to thirteen years, I already looked developed. I don’t know why God threw all that on my skin at that age. I had full breasts and my butt always pointed to the north whenever I walked. It’s these two things that drew the stares. It made me uncomfortable that it brought such attention to me. 

I will wear a normal dress and people will complain; “It’s too tight. Why are you trying to expose your body?” Or It’s too short. Why are you trying to seduce the men around here.” Everything was my fault and it made me feel uncomfortable. It was when I advanced in age that I came to realize that it’s not a bad thing to have my kind of body. My female friends called me blessed (read as breast). I had male friends who always wanted a hug from me. They were friends. I enjoyed hugging them too. I loved to see their happy faces whenever I let them go off my embrace. 

A male friend once told me, “If I had a girl like you, I would never look at anyone else.” I responded, “That’s all they all said when they were not my boyfriends. After I said yes to them, everything changed.” 

That was my gospel. After all the stares and adorations people gave to me, I had issues keeping my relationships together. They were all enthused about me at first. They went to the endpoint of the earth to prove their love and affection for me. I fell for it and gave them a chance. It was beautiful at first. All of the relationships I went in were beautiful at first until things start to fall apart. I can use Eric as an example. I’ve never met a desperate man like Eric. He looked at me like a candy bar. He was kind to me and was always giving me compliments even when I didn’t feel good in my own skin. He followed me for over a year, virtually begging me to accept his proposal. Finally, I did. We took off beautifully. 

I will wake up thinking about him. I will go to bed missing him. When we had to meet the next day, the night moved slowly. I was always in a hurry to see him—to have him around me. Guess how long that relationship lasted? Four months! The joy lasted for only a  month. The last three months were me trying to keep it together. It was me calling him to ask why he hadn’t called for three days. Why he didn’t visit when he promised he would visit. It was me trying to water a dead plant. When I stopped calling, the little we had also died. 

So I learned not to give my heart to any man but instead concentrate on building friendships and relationships that would last. I realized it’s the body they loved but not the person I am. When they get the body and realized that they fell in love with a mirage, they decide to pull away without telling me anything. 

Through all the struggles of heartbreaks, there was Efe. She was the one I ran to with my problems. She was the one who gave me the motivation to go on when my heart hit a rock. She listened. She played the part in my healing. She was always there for me. She was the one I move with—we went to church together and went out to chill together. When I update my status and say, “Girl’s Night out” It was just me and Efe. We were those girls.

I went to Efe’s office and exchanged greetings with her boss. The following day, Efe called and said, “Guess what just happened. My boss asked about you a moment ago. Can you imagine?” Her boss was a man so it wasn’t strange to me as she made it sound. Days later, she said her boss asked for my number and she’s asking if she should give it to him. I said “No” and later said yes. “Give it to him so he doesn’t worry you.” She said, “He’s married ooo.” I answered, “That makes it easier. You do your work and leave the rest to me.”

He called that he wanted friendship. I told him I couldn’t give him friendship; “You’re my friend’s boss. A married man for that matter. What sort of friendship can we build? There are so many things going on in my life right now I can’t have time to build a friendship with anyone.” Maybe he found me snobbish so he didn’t call again after we had that conversation. But Efe called every day asking me what was happening. I didn’t hide it, I told her everything but for some reason, she didn’t trust me. She thought I was dating her boss and hiding it from her. I showed her our messages. I even asked her to check with her boss if she could. “There’s nothing going on.”

We went to a mutual friend’s wedding and we took a photo together. If she asked for my opinion before posting that photo on Facebook, I would have told her not to post it because I didn’t like the way I was looking in the photo. But she was looking very beautiful so she posted the photos and even tagged me. A lot of comments. Some guys asked, “Your friend, is she single?” Some also said, “The girl on your left, can you link me to her?” The bold ones came directly into my inbox telling me where they found me. A lot of them also sent me a friend’s request. Getting to the evening, I realized the photo had been deleted. I didn’t ask why. Her timeline, her rules. Life goes on. 

But this is where everything changed. Where everything changed to the extent that Efe wouldn’t pick up my calls or accept a visit from me. Our friendship is in shambles because of something this minor. 

We were going to the mall. When we got to the main car pack, a black SUV pulled the breaks right behind us. I kept walking. I didn’t even notice that she had stopped and was talking to the guy in the car. I was talking and was getting no feedback from her so I looked back and realized she was standing at the door of that big SUV. “It could be someone she knows,” I said to myself. Or someone who is asking for directions.” Seconds later, she pointed at me and signalled me to come. While I was walking toward the car, she was also walking away. We met in the middle and I asked why. Without looking at my face, she said, “He’s looking for you.” “For what?” I asked. She didn’t answer. She kept going. I got to the car and the guy asked, “Is that your friend?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Clearly she’s not happy with me. When you go apologize on my behalf.” I asked, “What happened.” He said, “When I stopped, it was you I was going to call but she came and I told her it’s you I’m calling. I think she’s angry about something.”

“So how do I come in?” 

“I saw you walking and I think I like the way you are. Can we be friends?”

“The way I am? How?”

“It’s not so much about anything. I just want us to be friends. We can meet, and talk over your favourite food and drinks. I would be there for you when you need something. I mean that kind of friendship.”

“Thank you but I’m not interested.”

I thought Efe was waiting for me so I was in a hurry to leave. I turned back and she was gone. I had to walk faster. I ran at some point and got to the mall. She was nowhere to be found so I called her line. She didn’t pick. I kept calling but she never picked up her line until I saw her coming out of one of the shops. I said, ‘I’ve been calling your line.” She answered, “I didn’t hear it. The phone is in my bag.” I said, “I thought you will wait for me.” She answered, “I thought you’ll go with him.”

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Her answers were straightforward and sounded like she was angry. We didn’t talk much. We finished our shopping and left. Since then, this girl had been giving me cold shoulders. She will miss my call and won’t call back. She had cancelled every plan I’d had with her. There was a wedding we had to attend. She told me she wouldn’t go. I went to the wedding and she was already there. I sat next to her. She got up later and didn’t return to her seat. 

What is happening?

I asked her questions. She gave me the same answer; “Nothing is wrong. I’m ok.” “How can you act distant and tell me you’re ok?” I will ask. she’ll answer, “I said I’m ok. I’m just thinking about my life now. It’s nothing personal.”

It’s been over two months. She’s behaving like my boyfriends when they wanted to leave. I’m the one calling. I’m the one forcing myself to see her and she’s the one giving me all the excuses not to see me. She talks to other people about me but says nothing to me. I’ve sent people to her to ask what the issue is. She keeps telling them that nothing is wrong. She told a friend of ours that I behave like I’m Miss World—the only beautiful woman alive. Meanwhile, I’m nothing. That hurt so I asked her. She said, “I didn’t say that so stop worrying me.”

I can only speculate where the issue is coming from. I’ve thought about why she deleted the photo that day. I’ve thought about her boss’ incident where she didn’t trust me. I’ve thought about the guy in the black SUV. But how are those my fault? How are those enough reasons to lose a friend like her? She’s been a lot to me and it’s the reason I keep trying but currently, I’m giving up and it saddens my heart the way our friendship is ending.  

–Barbara 

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