I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and he is actually one of the best men I know. We spent two years together here before he got the opportunity to travel abroad. Since then, we’ve had to maintain our relationship long-distance. He’s kind, caring, and whenever I’m going through something bad, he’s always there for me. But there’s this one thing about him that drives me absolutely crazy.
Whenever he’s dealing with his own problems, he shuts me out. And honestly, it has become even harder since he travelled. Back when we were together, if something was bothering him, I could go to his house after work, sit with him, and we would eventually talk things out. I could see his face, hold him and try to understand what was going on. But now that he’s abroad, I can’t just get up and go to him. All I can do is call and text. Sometimes, I call, text, call again and send another message, only for us to go round and round without getting anywhere. It is exhausting, but my love for him is what keeps giving me the strength to keep trying.
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When something is bothering him, he doesn’t tell me. Instead, he gets moody. He gives me attitude and becomes distant. When I notice the change and ask him what’s wrong, he tells me nothing is the matter.
But here’s the thing: he’s still acting like something is wrong. I’ll call him and ask what’s going on. Nothing. I ask again. Still nothing. I ask a third time, a fifth time, sometimes even fifteen times. Every single time, he says, “I’m fine, baby. Everything is okay.” But he’s not fine. He’s not okay. His mood is telling a completely different story from his words.
Eventually, I get frustrated and angry. Why would you lie to me? Why would you say you’re fine and then treat me like I’ve done something wrong? So I call him out on it, and then he gets upset with me.
According to him, the problem is me. He says that if I really loved him, I would know when something is wrong without him having to tell me. He believes I should be able to read his mood and understand what he’s going through just by looking at him.
He also says that I’m not there for him when he needs me. But how can I be there for someone who won’t tell me what they need?
He’s right that I’m always there for him during his difficult moments. But that’s because whenever I’m going through something, I tell him. I communicate. I say, “Hey, I’m struggling with this,” and he knows exactly how to help me.
My point is simple: I am not a mind reader. We’re now in a long-distance relationship, communicating mostly over the phone. If you tell me you’re fine three times, ten times, fifteen times, and I ask you directly what’s wrong but you keep insisting that nothing is wrong, what else am I supposed to do?
I communicate my feelings, and that’s why he can be there for me. He knows what I need because I tell him. But he expects me to somehow know what he needs without him saying anything. That’s not fair.
When I get tired of asking questions and getting nowhere, I eventually blow up. I get angry, go offline and sleep because I’m exhausted from trying to help someone who won’t let me help him.
Lately, I’ve even started wondering whether I should relocate and join him abroad. Sometimes, I feel like being physically present might make things easier. At least, I could sit beside him when he’s having a difficult day instead of spending hours on the phone trying to get him to open up. I keep thinking about going there and fighting for what I believe is mine: the man I love, the man I see as my future husband and the future father of my children. I don’t want distance to ruin something we’ve spent two years building. However, another part of me wonders whether relocating will actually solve anything or whether I’ll still be dealing with the same problems, only this time under the same roof.
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I love this man. I really do. But I feel like he’s blaming me for something that is actually his responsibility. You can’t expect someone to support you if you won’t tell them what you need support with.
He thinks I don’t care about his feelings, but I do. I care so much that I ask him over and over again. I care so much that it frustrates me when he won’t let me in.
Is this my fault? Am I being unfair? Does he need to understand that communication goes both ways, or should I consider relocating so I can be closer to him? I’m asking for advice because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
—Kashka
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