I was five months pregnant when my husband got an opportunity to travel abroad. It was something he had been pursuing for years, so when the opportunity finally came, we were both excited. The problem was money. I gave him everything in my account. When that wasn’t enough, I went to my workplace and took a loan. He also performed some magic and raised the rest of the money.

The night before he travelled, he held my hand and said, “Don’t be sad that I’m going. When I get there and settle, I’ll come for you and our baby.”

He travelled when I was still pregnant. I gave birth without him by my side. He called regularly, especially during the first few months. Sometimes, he would stay on the phone while I fed our daughter.

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When he received his first proper income, he started sending money. He sent money towards the loan repayment and additional money for my upkeep. I never had to chase him for the loan payments. That gave me confidence that he remembered the sacrifices I had made.

Whenever I asked about joining him, he said he needed to become properly established. I continued working, raising our daughter, and waiting. Three years later, he returned to Ghana.

We spent time together as a family, visited relatives, and discussed our future. I thought his return meant we were finally going to make arrangements for my relocation. When he was returning, he went with his brother. I was shocked. I asked why, and he said he wanted to help someone else in the family establish himself abroad. According to him, if his brother became successful, he could also help other relatives. That way, the burden of supporting everyone wouldn’t fall on my husband alone.

I wasn’t happy, but I accepted his explanation. After all, his brother was family. I didn’t want to become the wife who prevented her husband from helping his siblings.

Two years after he took his brother, my husband returned to Ghana again. By then, I had begun asking more serious questions about our relocation. I told him our daughter was growing up without her father. He agreed. Then, shortly before he travelled back, he announced that his mother was going with him.

I couldn’t believe it. I asked why he was taking his mother when his wife and daughter were still in Ghana. He said his mother was getting older, and he wanted her to experience life abroad while she was still strong enough to enjoy it.

Again, I was expected to understand. And again, I did.

His mother travelled. She stayed for only six months. Then she started complaining about the weather. She said the cold was unbearable and eventually returned home.

I thought that would create an opportunity for us. I was wrong. My husband took his brother’s wife and their two children abroad. He said since his mother had returned to Ghana, he wanted to replace her with another family member.

I didn’t understand that explanation. I reminded him that I had been waiting since I was five months pregnant. Our daughter had been born, started walking, learned to talk, and entered school while we were still waiting for him to establish himself.

He said I should stop putting pressure on him. We argued for days. I was furious. I reminded him that when he needed money to travel, I hadn’t told him to wait until I finished sorting out my own problems. I emptied my account for him.

Eventually, his brother’s wife and two children also travelled. I stopped asking about relocation for some time. Whenever the subject came up, it ended in an argument, and I was tired.

Then recently, my husband called and said he had good news. He was finally ready to start arrangements for our daughter to join him.

I asked, “And me?”

He said I would follow later. He explained that bringing our daughter first would make things easier and that once she was settled, he would work on bringing me. I asked who would take care of her while he was at work. He said his brother’s wife would help.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I asked, “So your brother’s wife will be taking care of my daughter while I’m sitting here in Ghana?”

I had raised this child largely on my own. I was the one who stayed awake when she was sick. I helped her with homework and answered questions about why her father wasn’t around. Now my husband wanted to separate us.

I asked him why we couldn’t make arrangements for me to travel first. I told him I was prepared to work and help with the expenses. Once we were settled, we could arrange for our daughter to join us.

He simply said it was better for our child to go first. Why it was better, he couldn’t explain. I told him, “My daughter isn’t going anywhere that I’m not following. I’m the one she knows. Not you and not your brother’s wife.”

I have started looking at the entire situation differently. I don’t know whether there are genuine restrictions affecting my application. Whenever I ask for details, he gives explanations that leave me with more questions.

What happens if I allow her to travel and he changes his mind about bringing me? What if he decides he no longer wants this marriage? Would I have to spend years fighting to be reunited with my own child?

I know these are possibilities, not facts. But after everything that has happened, I don’t think my fears are unreasonable.

Recently, I asked him, “Do you still want to live with me as your wife?”

He got angry. He asked why I would even think otherwise. I told him, “Because you’ve made room for everybody in your life abroad except me.” He said I was ungrateful. He reminded me that he had been sending money consistently and had never abandoned his financial responsibilities.

Then he asked whether I was going to allow our daughter to travel or not. I told him I wasn’t agreeing to anything until I understood the arrangements for all three of us. He ended the call.

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Sometimes, I wonder whether my husband has already made a decision about our marriage but doesn’t have the courage to tell me because nothing makes sense at this moment. I watched him help his brother. I watched him take his mother abroad. I watched him reunite his brother with his wife and children. Each time, I was told to be patient.

Now he’s asking me to surrender the one person who has been with me through all those years of waiting. I’m beginning to feel that my husband is playing a game of chess, and our daughter is the piece he intends to use for checkmate. Once she leaves Ghana, I fear I’ll have nothing left to hold this marriage together.

He says I’m overthinking things, but how can I ignore what has been happening right in front of me?

Am I thinking too much?

—Ruby  

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