I’ve been dating a woman in her late forties, Agnes. I’m twenty-five. Our age difference has never bothered me. We’ve been together for a year, and for most of that time, things have been good.

I won’t pretend everything is perfect. One problem I have with Agnes is how she keeps me a secret from her friends. When we’re alone, she treats me like her man. But around her friends, I become just Kobby. She introduces me without explaining who I am to her. When I complain, she says I’m worrying about things that don’t matter. Once, when a friend asked who I was to her, Agnes laughed and changed the subject. I smiled along, but it bothered me for days.

She also likes ordering me around. Sometimes she interrupts whatever I’m doing to send me on errands. When I protest, she reminds me that she takes care of me. She genuinely does a lot for me. She provides for me, buys me things and takes me on trips to interesting places. I couldn’t have afforded those trips on my own. Apart from these issues, we’ve been happy.

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Recently, her friend Francisca came into the picture. She lives in the US and came to Ghana for a visit. Agnes told me Francisca would be staying with her for two months. I didn’t have a problem with that. It’s her house.

Before Francisca arrived, I practically lived with Agnes. I kept clothes there and sometimes stayed for a whole week. Once Francisca moved in, Agnes asked me to return to my place. She said it would be awkward for me to stay because her friend didn’t know the nature of our relationship. I understood, but felt pushed aside. Even after I moved out, she kept inviting me over and expecting me to behave as if nothing had changed. I went because I missed her.

The real problem started when Agnes started pushing me to Francisca. She said, “If my friend asks you for something, give it to her.” Initially, I thought she meant errands. Francisca sometimes asked me to bring her water or pick up something she’d left in another room, and I did those things without complaining. But their laughter made me uncomfortable.

Whenever I visited, Francisca would find a reason to call me close. She made comments about how young and handsome I was. Agnes would sit there smiling. I wondered whether they’d discussed something without me. I ignored it to avoid trouble.

One day, Francisca was bathing and had left her towel outside the bathroom. Agnes picked it up and asked me to take it to her. I hesitated, but Agnes insisted, so I took it. I didn’t want to go in so I stretched my hand from the outside. She held my hand and pulled me in instead of just collecting the towel.

She looked deep into my eyes and asked, “Aren’t you supposed to do anything apart from this?”

I didn’t know how to respond. Then Agnes shouted from outside, “Kobby, feel free and do whatever she says.”

I walked out without doing anything. Agnes was angry. She asked why I’d embarrassed her friend. I told her taking a towel to someone was one thing, but what they were suggesting was another. She said I was overreacting. We argued briefly, and I left. What bothered me was that Agnes had heard everything, yet she behaved as if I was the one who had crossed a line.

I thought that incident would end the whole thing but didn’t. It was rather the starting point.

On another day, I called Agnes while going to her house. She told me she was home. But when I arrived, Francisca was the only person around. I asked where Agnes was. Francisca smiled and said, “Maybe you’re shy of Agnes. Today she’s not here. Let’s talk.”

She had only a towel wrapped around her waist. I stood near the doorway because I already suspected where the conversation was going. Before I could ask another question, she let the towel fall and told me to take it from there.

I protested immediately. I told her I had come to see Agnes and had no interest in sleeping with her. She laughed and said, “Agnes is aware I like you and has given me the green light to use you.”

The word “use” hurt me. People already judge young men who date older women with money. Hearing myself described as something to be passed around hurt. To avoid a fight, I calmly said I needed time to think about what she had said.

She wouldn’t accept that. She kept coming closer and tried to force herself on me. I had to struggle to free myself and leave the house. I was shaken. I stood outside, wondering how I could ever explain what happened. If I had behaved that way towards her, everyone would have taken it seriously. But because I’m a young man, I’m expected to laugh.

Francisca is younger than Agnes, though she’s also in her forties but I prefer Agnes. She’s prettier to me, and she’s the one I love. I don’t want another woman just because she’s available.

I spoke to Agnes about what happened. I asked whether this was some sort of test to see if I would cheat on her. I told her that if it was, she should stop because I wasn’t going to do it.

Agnes said, “She likes you, and you and I know we are not going anywhere with this. So give her what she wants. She doesn’t know I’m doing it with you, so it’s fine.”

That statement broke my heart more than I expected. All this while, I thought that even if Agnes couldn’t openly acknowledge our relationship, what we shared meant something to her. Now she was telling me to sleep with her friend because she believed we had no future. I wondered whether our year together meant anything to her.

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I genuinely love Agnes. We’ve travelled and made memories I can’t dismiss. If she were my age and the world would allow it, I would have married her. But I also know my current financial situation makes it difficult for me to talk confidently about marriage or even demand certain things from her. She pays for so much that I sometimes feel unable to complain.

These days, I feel more like her pet than her partner. She can support me and still respect my feelings. I want her to see me as her own and understand that being younger and financially dependent on her doesn’t mean I’m available for her friend to use.

How do I make Agnes understand this and get her to stop pushing me towards Francisca without losing the relationship I still want with her?

—Kobby

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