My boyfriend refused to step up as a father when I told him I was pregnant. He told me the only way we could stay together was if I agreed to terminate the pregnancy. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I felt I could face anything in the world, but ending my baby’s life was out of the question for me. He asked if I was really going to do this alone. I asked him to just watch me. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, I just knew that I was going to be a mother.

My nine-month journey finally came to an end late last year. The main problem started at the hospital. Nobody properly informed me that I was going to have surgery, so I ate before the procedure. I learned later on that I shouldn’t have done that. God is my witness, after the anaesthesia was given and everything started, I felt the deep cuts they made on me. I was told later that I shouldn’t have felt it like that, but I did.

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While my baby was still admitted in the NICU, the nurses stood by my bedside and forced me to leave the bed so another mother could have the bed. She told me, “You are not the only one with a newborn here. If we need you, we will call you.” I said okay, but I couldn’t go far. I ended up sleeping on a hard bench outside the hospital for days. Every morning, I would use the public bathroom to clean myself up and go straight to see my baby. I did not have the money to travel back and forth from home every day. That bench was anything but comfortable. It was hard, and I had to lie there dealing with the throbbing pain of my C-section wound.

We were finally discharged a few months later, and I carried my baby home. Because there was nobody around to help me, I had to start carrying heavy buckets of water and lifting heavy household items right away. At one point, part of my C-section stitches actually tore open. I know that sleeping on that cold bench for days and then immediately lifting heavy objects back home contributed to what happened to my body. I have had to carry all of this pain completely alone, physically, mentally, and financially.

My parents are no longer alive, and I am carrying this weight all on my own. It has been just me taking care of my child day in and day out. She is so tiny that she doesn’t even look her age, and her health has been fragile from the start. I do everything within my strength to care for her and take her to the hospital whenever she needs it, but it breaks my heart that I cannot shield her from every hardship. At the same time, my own body is breaking down. Between the high blood pressure, constant dizziness, severe back pain, and bone-deep fatigue from simple tasks, I am completely drained. I am just tired, mentally and physically.

Nobody has offered me a single hand of help since I gave birth late last year.

I am exhausted, but nothing, absolutely nothing, will ever make me forgive that man if he shows up one day. Honestly, I pray he never does. If he ever dares to return, he will regret it deeply.

After this experience, I really doubt if I want to ever be in a relationship again. Falling in love dipped me into this mess. I don’t want to do that to myself ever again. As I write this, I feel numb, like a log of wood. What I have gone through and what I am still living through, the pain is just too much.

I didn’t think I would ever find myself in a situation like this. I was so careful my entire life, only to end up broken and struggling because of one man I trusted.

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I pray for a miracle every single day. It is the hardest, most painful thing I have ever experienced. Caring for such a tiny, fragile human being all on your own with zero help is not easy.

It is only God that has brought me this far.

— ABA

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