I had a son before I got married. My wife was aware of him from the beginning. When we were dating, she even met my baby mama once because she wanted to be sure that my baby mama wasn’t still hanging around. Our child was four years old then.

While we were still dating, we talked about how I was going to manage my relationship with my child once we got married. She said she didn’t want the child to come and live with us at any point in time, and I agreed. It wasn’t as if my baby mama was even going to agree to such an arrangement.

But we agreed that my child could visit when he was old enough and wanted to spend time with me. We also agreed that I was going to be very transparent with her about everything concerning the child so that one day, she could even be my witness if my baby mama rose against me.

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It was on the back of these various agreements that we eventually got married. On our wedding day, my child was there. My mom was taking care of him, and I ensured he featured in our photos so that someday he would know I didn’t abandon him.

Even before the marriage, I had been taking care of him financially. Since he was four, I had been sending them GHC 700 every month. This was apart from paying school fees, medical bills, and other things that came up and needed money. The GHC 700 was mainly for food. I paid this amount for three years.

When we got married, I decided to increase the monthly amount from GHC 700 to GHC 1,000.

That was when the first problem started.

My wife started complaining. She said that wasn’t part of the agreement. She asked why I had waited until marriage before increasing the amount. I was like, “Babe, this increment isn’t going to affect us anyway. It’s only GHC 300 for a child who’s nine years old.”

She retorted, “How much would a child his age be spending a month that you have to increase the amount? What is the mother doing to support?”

I didn’t change my mind because of that, but after the disagreement, I stopped telling her about the money I sent to the child.

Then, last month, it was my son’s birthday. His mother had a party for him. I couldn’t attend because I knew it was definitely going to become an issue in my marriage. But his mother sent me photos from the party, and I posted them on my status.

My wife saw them and asked, “How much did you contribute to the birthday?”

I was honest. I wasn’t going to lie about my child, especially when we had agreed before marriage that I was going to be transparent about everything concerning him. I told her I had sent them GHC 2,000 for the party.

“You sent them GHC 2,000 and will also send GHC 1,000 at the end of the month? Are you sure you’re not still sleeping with this woman? When was the last time you gave me that much?”

Nothing hurt me more than her suggesting I was sleeping with her. It turned into an argument. I was hurt, and I let her know that I was hurt. She kept shouting, “How will I know you’re not going there? I’m sure you were even at the party but decided not to be captured. Did you marry me to celebrate your past relationship in front of me?”

That issue made her go cold for several days. I asked for food, and she said, “Am I the one you gave GHC 2,000 to? Don’t you know her house?”

After that, I decided transparency wasn’t going to help us, so I was going to keep everything about my child away from her.

I continued sending the monthly allowance. I continued paying the fees as I always did. For a while, there was no problem.

Then one day, she asked me, “Are you still sending money to your child?”

I didn’t answer.

“Okay, that’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it.”

I still didn’t answer.

Later, my mom was celebrating her birthday and was posting photos on her phone. She posted a photo she had taken with my son. My wife saw it and was like, “The way this boy is occupying all the spaces in your life, do you think my own child will have a space in your lives?”

Meanwhile, my mom hadn’t seen my son for years. Nothing I said made sense to her. She was confrontational and very rigid. I said, “Just give birth and let’s see. Until then, you can’t predict what will happen once you give birth.”

My wife said I was mocking her childlessness because I said she should give birth and let’s see. Eiii. She called her mom and told her that I had referred to her as barren.

When her mom called and I explained everything to her, she was surprised. Aside from that, I knelt down and apologized to my wife for calling her barren, even though that wasn’t what I said. She cried like a baby, telling me I married her only to rub my child in her face.

The strange thing is that my baby mama doesn’t call me unless there’s an emergency. We don’t text. We are not connected on social media. We don’t meet or even exchange greetings, but my wife is constantly worried about her and the child.

So I finally asked her, “Tell me, you don’t want me to take care of the child? You want me to be an absent dad in my own son’s life?”

She answered, “Don’t ask me questions when you won’t listen to my suggestions. It’s too much, the way you’re doing it. Is she the only woman who has a child with a man who didn’t marry her? Can’t she take care of her own child? Must everything be about you?”

That’s where we are now.

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We talked about all this before we got married. I haven’t changed. I haven’t altered anything we agreed on, but my wife now wants to vary the rules. Everything she does says she wants me out of my child’s life, but how can I leave a child I fathered just because I didn’t marry the mother?

Please tell me what you’ll do in my shoes. When I’m quiet about my child, she feels something is going on and I’m not telling her. When I tell her what’s going on, she feels I’m either doing it for the child’s mother or I’m doing too much as an absent father.

I don’t know how to manage this situation to bring peace to my marriage. Or did I make a mistake getting married?

—Alfred

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