Ever since my husband and I got married four years ago, all we keep doing is fighting each other. When you get married, especially in the first year, it is expected that you will have the time of your lives. You enjoy each other and bask in the joy of finding your significant other. Granted, you will have little squabbles here and there.

We would fight about where the bread knife was, why he left his boxers unwashed in the laundry basket, or why my bra was lying on the dining table. I am talking about little things that any normal couple would talk about, have a laugh about, and move on from. We were almost holding knives ready to cut throats. If we were not lucky, it would turn into an exchange of abusive words.

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Fortunately and unfortunately, we always fix the problem each time. We sit in the early hours of the morning after the fight. It may be days later, but that phase where we talk things out always takes place. He will apologise for calling me names, and I will apologise for questioning his masculinity.

Notwithstanding all that, he is a caring husband. He cares for our child and me like the head of the house should. On the days when we are not quarrelling, we look back at what we just fought about and realise that it had no meaning. Then we promise each other that we will not let it happen again.

Honestly, we are aware of this ugly phase of our marriage, and we have tried working towards it. We have prayed and fasted to God about it. I don’t even understand why we are doing this to each other. During our courtship, we prayed very well, seeking confirmation that we could go ahead with the marriage. We had the confirmation, so what at all is all of this?

My husband always has this one thing he does when we are quarrelling. He would tell me to pack my bags and go to my parents’ house. “I don’t need you anymore. Pack your bags and leave. I don’t want to see you here anymore.” Then I will beg him, using our child as a cover. It always does the trick because my husband will never let our child out of his sight.

Some months ago, we fell into the same cycle again. He asked me to pack my bags and leave. I didn’t mind him. I was walking around the house trying to get things done while he was trailing behind me, screaming at me to leave.

I foresaw that it might get physical again, so I packed some clothes into my bag to leave. I was trying to take our child with me when he stopped me. “You can’t take the child away. It is you I don’t want in this house, so leave, but my child stays.” Wherever I go, my child goes with me. It turned into a tug of war. Our child was in the middle. I would pull her, and he would drag her towards his side.

The pulling and dragging continued for close to three minutes or so while we were still exchanging words. I got tired, so I left her in the house. All this was because I spent more than an hour at the market. “When you go out, don’t spend more than an hour outside. I don’t like it when you are gone for too long.” He has warned me about this several times, and I always abide by it. But that very day, I had a long list of items to buy for the house and my business.

I went home to meet a heavy face. I was too tired to apologise for staying out that late. He barked at me, but I didn’t mind him. He slept and woke up with a heavy face again, but still I didn’t pay him any attention. That’s why he resorted to asking me to leave, thinking I would fall on my knees and apologise for something that was not in my control.

I have been living with my sister for a month now. I had to lie to her. “My husband has asked me to come and spend some time with you, seeing as you are in a long-distance marriage.” She has bought the lie, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it from her.

Both families don’t know what is happening. In the past years, they have tried to help us work things out, but we are back to tearing each other down, so going back to them now feels burdensome.

Is There A Man Out There Who Doesn’t Cheat?

He has not called me back. He has not replied to my messages or returned my calls. The messages I send him are long pleas and apologies. He reads them and leaves them there. I have not seen or spoken to her in a month. I don’t know if I should go back or continue waiting for him to call me back. One month is a long time for us to stay apart. I don’t know how it will affect our marriage. I don’t know what to do.

—JOAN

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