If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one

When his story was posted, I took my time to read all the comments. The ones that made me chuckle were the people calling me an ungrateful woman and asking him to leave me. I wasn’t surprised. He came home and did just that.

More than a year later, I am now sharing my part of the story because I am frustrated. Since he came here to rant, allow me to use his audience to rant too. Before I tell you my side, allow me to give you a preamble because we will be referring to these things throughout this story.

He wants to travel, and all our plans, or rather all his plans, are centred around this. I am naturally a kind person. I will give you the food in my mouth if you need it. I am a Christian, and I love the Lord. Now imagine dating someone who never misses an opportunity to remind you that his exes were better than you, that you are not enough, and that he would rather be somewhere else. In his anger, he says all manner of disrespectful things, and when he calms down, he never apologises for them.

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In the three years we have been together, I have apologised for things that even a child would call ridiculous. I have apologised for things I did, things he did, and things I never did at all. It takes a toll on you. It is exhausting when one human being is constantly angry over the flimsiest reasons.

He mentioned that at the time, he had been unemployed for four months. Well, it has been over a year now, and he is still unemployed. Throughout this entire period, I have, without question, provided all he needs and asks for. I understand that being unemployed can be overwhelming, but surely the least I can ask is for help around the house.

The problem is that he only does things he wants to do for you, not the things you actually need help with. Recently, his favourite line has become, “I am not supposed to do this or that because I am a man.”

In the first few months of dating, I got pregnant and we lost the baby. Since then, my ears have not known peace from the constant questions about “what happened,” as though I deliberately caused it. What he does not realise is that the child we lost was mine too, and I grieved too.

We have been talking about marriage, but all those plans have been halted because of the travel plans. I had to ask him to go and meet my father. I had to ask him to speak with his own family. At some point, you begin to wonder whether this person wants this at all.

Yes, there are circumstances hindering the marriage because of the travel, and I understand that. But all of those circumstances could be resolved in the twinkling of an eye if there was genuine intention behind them. For the love of God, I keep asking myself, when? During his year of unemployment, I have footed every bill concerning him. Think about it. Food, monthly data subscriptions, exam fees, visits to family and friends, a new phone, a new phone screen, clothes, every single thing.

I have run the streets of Korle Bu while reading a work termination notice because he was not well, and my boss could not give me another day off. But I had to be there. Not once have I received a genuine thank you. All I ever wanted was a simple, “Thank you for holding us down.” But he did not even give me that. I even had to point that out.

I used to work three jobs a day. Yes, I genuinely hate being idle. I recommended one of those jobs to him, what I will refer to as the morning job, because it was easy money. We would wake up at 8 a.m., work until 11 or 12, then start our actual jobs at 1 p.m. and close at 10 p.m.

For the entire period he did that job, I had to set alarms every single day so I could wake him up to work. Otherwise, my boss would send me emails asking why I had recommended someone who was not doing their job.

When he lost his actual job, he was left with only the morning one. You would think he would take it seriously. Nope. Same attitude. Then he lost that one too.

Out of stress, I decided to give him my account for the morning job to work as though it was me. But guess what? Like clockwork, I still had to call him every morning and wake him up.

Eventually, my boss got tired of the excuses and reports and let me go because he assumed I was the one doing that job poorly.

I still remember how my boss yelled at me that day and the statement he made.

He says I have changed. Truthfully and deliberately, I have.

I had to sit myself down and ask, “Self, this person you are going through hell and high water for, if the roles were reversed, would he do the same for you?”

The icing on the cake is his temper. He gets angry at the slightest provocation and over the silliest things. How can your temper be so bad that your own family asks me how I deal with it? Sometimes I want to tell them just how horrible it is.

Let me give you a few examples. I went to buy pizza for us. By the time I walked home, it had gotten cold. He did not speak to me for days. He decided he wanted to paint my ceiling black. I did not want it. He did not speak to me for days.

A friend from church I had not seen in a long time showed up at my house. He got angry, packed his things, and left. Someone called me at 11 p.m. It was a friend I had not spoken to in over five years, someone I used to be very close to. He had texted before, and I told him I did not get off work early. He said he would call another day, which he did, late at night because he assumed I had just closed from work. That phone call turned into insults and, “Get out of my place.” And let us not forget that, out of anger, he has asked me to leave his place no fewer than ten times.

I recently moved into a new place, and truthfully, I hate everything about it now. Nothing in that space looks like something I want because he had to have everything his way. I am depressed in my own home, and he does not even care. In the three years we have been together, he has complained about my looks, my weight, my cooking, our sex life, my clothes, every single detail about me. There is always something wrong with me in his eyes.

His current obsession is that we are growing older and must have a child. Since I do not agree because we are not married, it has been added to the list of things I do that “question his authority.”

Apart from reporting me to Silent Beads, he has gone ahead to speak to an “elderly woman” who has convinced him that I am not in this for the long run, and he was quick to let me know. I have given all of myself and more. At this point, I do not know who I am anymore. I have put my dreams on hold so we can figure his out together.

I am a girlfriend carrying the responsibilities of both a wife and a husband, but when I ask for something, the response I get is, “You don’t ask your husband to do this.”

And he is quick to tell you that you are the reason he behaves the way he does.

For a person who claims to love Christ, and through that love we met, he has not stepped into a church in the past three years unless he is staying with his mother and she forces him to. My ministry and church activities have greatly dwindled, and I am ashamed to watch others carry out the roles I once held. Not because of the honour that came with them, but because they were things God gave me to do, and I feel I have mishandled them. And now I ask him, if this is the woman you prayed for, why are you letting your ego get in the way? And this is not about me having a job and you not. You have been like this from the beginning. Always angry. Always disrespectful.

Nana, I am tired of the complaining. I am tired of not being enough. I have lost all the energy I had at the beginning.

I Called My Girlfriend And Another Man Answered The Phone

My dear reader, if I have not bored you with this long online rant and you ask me why I have changed, it is because I am a woman who has tried, and is tired. I am becoming a woman who puts herself first. I am learning that I am important, that I am loved, and most of all, if you do not see it, let me remind you.

Not to blow my own horn, but I am a damn good woman.

PS. I know that with this response, he will, as usual, refuse to speak to me for days instead of sitting down like an adult to address the matter. And I will wait. Not because I do not know my worth, but because after loving someone this hard for three years, unlearning hope is not something that happens overnight.

—Anita

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