My girlfriend has a nice apartment, a beautiful car and a daughter. She got all that from her baby daddy, a man she has refused to name because she said it was part of the agreement when they broke up.

The man sends child support in excess of my salary without fail each month. When rent is due, he sends the money directly to the landlord and services the car my girlfriend uses.

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When we met, she told me about all these things and said if I was okay with them, we could date. She didn’t want me to start accusing her of things I didn’t know about after we had already started dating. So I haven’t asked questions all this while.

She’s very hardworking, I will give her that. She has a 9-to-5 job and also runs an online shop where she sells anything she thinks can be sold easily. She supports me when I need it just as I also support her when she needs it. When she travels to China or Dubai to buy stock, I’m the one who takes care of her daughter until she returns.

So I asked about her plans regarding marriage and she asked if I was ready. I said I was ready. My parents know her very well and her parents know me too. Even her mom has suggested that, considering how much her granddaughter loves me, I should marry her daughter as soon as possible so the two of us can start a family and fully integrate the child.

When I told her I was ready, she told me she was ready too but that I should give her a few weeks to decide a few things. It took over a month before she talked about it again after I had asked. She said, “I’m still thinking about it. No need to rush it.”

I even started buying the obvious things we would need for the marriage. I showed them to her each time I got them and then one day she said, “If I marry you today, all the financial help I receive from my daughter’s father will stop coming. Are you ready to fill the vacuum he’ll leave in my life?”

It’s a rhetorical question because she knows I can’t. But she’s already doing very well in life and doesn’t necessarily need whatever comes from the man. Yes, it will leave a vacuum but she will still be okay once the two of us pull together.

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I told her all that and she said she needed more time to build herself solidly to a point where she wouldn’t need the man anymore. If where she is now is not solid enough, then where again? I told her I had given her enough time to decide which one she wanted—the man’s money or marriage.

She hasn’t decided yet but anytime I try to pull away, she draws closer, sometimes in tears, telling me to be patient. But for how long? That’s my confusion. I’m not rushing to marry but this uncertainty doesn’t make things easy.

What would you do in my shoes?

—Cecilia 

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