When I was growing up, I felt my father’s absence. He was there but not there. He would be in the same house with us and would blend into the background like a chameleon in the forest. So we learned to live life without him. As long as mom was there, we felt sorted.

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So I grew up thinking my mom was in charge of everything and dad didn’t care, until one day I complained and mom told me, “Your dad is present in everything we do in this house. Without his hands, nothing moves. He works hard outside so he can deserve his rest in the house.”

I learned a lesson I’d never forget in my life. Things changed. Dad got involved as we grew up. He attended PTA meetings and bought gifts for us. I was happy, and the lesson that came through for me through it all is that, no matter what, I shouldn’t leave the raising of my kids to my wife alone.

I grew up and started my own family. Dad had died when I got married, but what I learned from him crawled and walked with me through life. When my first child arrived, I was there next to my wife so he would know it took the interaction of two people to bring him into this world. I held him when my wife didn’t have the strength to do it, and from there, I helped in raising him.

I learned to change diapers and learned to bathe a baby from my wife’s mom. I even learned to hold the feeding bottle in a way that would make it easier for the kids to sip. When the second and third children arrived, I was a pro at taking care of babies. I didn’t rest while my wife did it all. I was involved throughout it all.

August 2014 was my first son’s birthday. I ordered a cake and bought drinks. I gave money to my wife to cook something so we could invite the kids in the community to have a party. While the party was going on, I held the camera to capture the moment while my wife served and danced with the kids. I captured all that.

The same thing happened when the second child turned one. The third child’s first birthday happened when he was two years old. I captured that too.

Our marriage started having problems long before the third baby arrived. We thought we could weather the storm, and we did. Then a man came into the picture. Later, she told me that when we were having troubles, she confided in the man and they became friends, and that nothing happened.

I believed her, and we sort of moved ahead in life until the same man came into the picture again. He said he missed my wife. My wife said she missed him too. Then the conversation ceased, and they did the rest on the phone. This issue rocked our marriage beyond repair. I said I wanted a divorce. She also told me she was sick and tired of my nagging, so she wanted a divorce too.

Family couldn’t put us together. We were like Humpty Dumpty. We fell from the wall, and the kings and queens couldn’t put us together again. Finally, we got our divorce and parted ways. She got custody, but I had visiting rights, which I utilized without fail.

One day, my first son asked me, “Dad, why didn’t attend our birthdays when we were young? Mom said you don’t care about us.” I asked, “Your mom told you that?” He responded, “She showed me the videos. You were not there. She was the only one. She says you don’t care about us, so we should be careful with you.”

I ran into the room and cried. I didn’t want them to see me cry. I called the first boy in and explained everything to him. I said, “When you go home, ask your mom who took the videos.”

When they left, I called her. “It’s gotten to the point where you’re poisoning the minds of my kids against me? Should I tell them what you did that brought us to where we are?”

She swore on the phone that she never said it and that it was the boy who didn’t understand what she was saying. Kids don’t lie. Divorced women lie all the time, so I believed my kids. I changed their school to a place close to me. She protested, but I didn’t mind her. When she sent them to school, I went for them and sent them back to her.

They see the struggle and the tension between us, and it’s not helping them at all. I realized my first child is very unkempt and throws things around anyhow. I would tell him what to do and what not to do. In my house, everything is in order, but he’ll come to visit again and carry on the same behavior I sought to correct.

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I wish I had all the money in this world. I would process their documents secretly and one day run away with them to a place she can’t reach us. The law here protects her and gives her more power over the kids than I can ever have. That’s not fair, but I’m just a man. I can’t fight a whole legal system.

—Joe Dada

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