He came into my life with a lot of promises. There was nothing I asked that he couldn’t give. I wasn’t working the times when he was making advances toward me. He tried to get me a job but just when I was about to land the job, something happened and I couldn’t get the job. I was grateful for the effort he made to get me that far. When the job failed, he told me, “Just accept my proposal and I’ll ensure you get whatever you want.”

I wasn’t convinced about him so I gave myself some time to know him better. After a while, I said yes to him. He was good to me but one thing I didn’t like about him was how fast he was trying to push things. He wanted sex. I asked him to be patient. He didn’t understand why we should be dating and still deny him of that. I didn’t have any reason but something didn’t feel right in my gut. I wanted to be very sure.

One afternoon I went to visit him. We were seated on the sofa talking when he started making moves at me. He had asked for it for a very long time so that day I decided to oblige. The next day he wanted it again but I couldn’t grant it. I didn’t want that to become the foundation on which our relationship was rested.

Three weeks later, I missed my period. I told him about it. He said, “Be patient, it will come. I told him, “It could be that I’m pregnant because my period hardly delays.” The next morning, I checked and I was pregnant. I had no job and to make matters worse, I got pregnant on top. I called to tell him, “What I feared had happened. I’m pregnant.” He said, “That couldn’t be possible.” I said, “I checked. I am pregnant. “He said, “Just once and you’re pregnant?”

I thought he was going to deny responsibility but that night when he called me he asked, “What are we going to do about it?” I said, “It’s all in your hands.” He asked, “Are you ready to have a child?” I said, “I will if you tell me to.” He gave a long sigh and said, “Let’s have it.” I asked, “what then becomes of me? Would you come and see my parents? At least something little to make it official.”

The pregnancy was about four months when he came with his uncle to do the knocking. They promised that when the child is delivered, they’ll combine the naming ceremony and the traditional wedding. We agreed. I gave birth to a boy. The naming ceremony was done but the traditional wedding didn’t happen. I kept asking him about it and he kept postponing. At some point, I stopped asking him. I didn’t want him to feel I was desperate. That was the point he also stopped thinking about it.

Our child was two years old when I gave myself to him again. The problem with us was that he was always asking for it and I was always saying no to him. I remember telling him to make it official before I would allow him to sleep with me again but that night, I don’t know what came over me that I allowed him to have his way. Weeks later, I started having funny feelings in my body. I checked again and I was pregnant. That day I cursed my stars. I called myself stupid for allowing myself to go through this all over again. I told him, “I’m pregnant.” He screamed, “Again!” I said, “Yes again.” He said, “But it happened only once.” I said, “So what?” He said, “This one I won’t let it pass. I need to investigate.” I told him, “Do whatever you’ll do. Go wherever you’ll get answers. I don’t care.”

Days later he apologized for questioning my faithfulness. I forgave him. I told him to do the traditional wedding before the second one arrives. “It’s embarrassing. People are talking behind my back. Please do something before this one arrives.” He did nothing until I was heavily pregnant. He said, “This time around, we’ll do it together with the naming ceremony.”

The child was born—a boy. The naming ceremony happened but the marriage didn’t happen. He gave so many flimsy excuses. I didn’t say much.

Two months after the child was born, I went to his house to collect money. When I entered, I saw a woman coming out of his bedroom. She had a cloth around her chest. I said, “So that’s what you’ve been doing right? That’s the reason you don’t want to do the right thing. You have another woman.” Right before the woman, she screamed, “Why won’t I have another woman when you’re always getting pregnant after one shot? I’m beginning to suspect those kids are not mine.”

I was stunned. I looked at the face of the woman and she was almost smiling. I turned around and left. There was nothing to fight for. “Who is he to me that I should stand and fight another woman?”

Days later, he came to the house with his uncle to apologize. He knelt before me and apologized for what he said. His uncle pleaded. He told me he had come to him crying that’s why he led him to me. I forgave him.

Two months ago, I caught him cheating again. This time, with a woman I personally know in the community. This woman sleeps around and everybody knows her for that. This is the woman he chose to cheat with. That day I told him, “This is the last time I would allow you anywhere close to my life. I wish you well.” It hurt. I cried. I wanted to accept my defeat and move on.

He didn’t call neither did he come to see his kids. He sent money for their upkeep but never came around. Just a week ago, he came again with that same uncle. They came with plenty of foodstuff, drinks, and clothes. The uncle said, “I’m even embarrassed to come here again on another cheating issue. But forgive us. I’ve spoken to him and this is the last time I will lead him here. We also came with good news. Now, he’s ready to perform the marriage rite. Just chose the date and we’ll come to honor you.”

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I didn’t have anything to say. I told them, “I will have to discuss it with my family before I can say anything to that effect.” I told my parents about it. They said, “We can’t decide for you. You’re the one closer to the fire so you’ll know how it burns. Decide and we’ll give you our blessing.”

The problem is, that guy has wasted too many chances and I’m scared to give him another. I’m scared he’ll do worse but on the other hand, I want my kids to grow up around their father. Boys need a father figure around them to guide their steps. That’s the only reason why I would want to give him another chance.

Everything scares me. It feels like I’m making a mistake by letting him in. Letting him go also feels like I’m making a mistake. It’s like I’m throwing the father of my kids away. Please tell me, what should I do? I‘m in a great dilemma and need all the advice I can get.

–Monica 

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