We didn’t plan to have a baby when this relationship started. He was married. I loved him but couldn’t have him. I understood my place in his life, and all was perfect until I got pregnant. I shivered because I’d promised myself I was never going to have an abortion. When I told him, he was like, “What happened to the pills?” I told him, “I took it immediately that day.” He retorted, “And you still got pregnant?”

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We were both silent for several seconds. I went back into my memory to be sure I took the pill. I remember taking the cover off and putting it in my mouth. I told myself, “This baby, whoever he is, wants to come into this world very badly.”

He asked what I was going to do, and I told him I was going to keep it. He went quiet and later asked, “I hope it wasn’t intentional?”

He knew me well enough to know I wouldn’t do such a thing, but in a moment of confusion, many questions can be asked, so I forgave him. From that day on, we started thinking about how we were going to manage our lives. He said we should keep it a secret until he was sure of how to bring his wife in. I begged him not to. I didn’t want drama, and I didn’t want to be the reason a marriage collapsed.

He was with me through it all. He even attended antenatal with me once. He asked me to put a ring on so people wouldn’t judge us. He was involved both physically and financially until the baby was born. He was not with me when I gave birth, but a few minutes after the message reached him, he came to the hospital.

Everything he did made me love him more, but I knew no matter how I felt about him, he couldn’t be mine. He loved his wife so much he wouldn’t like to hurt her that way.

When he saw the baby and how much he resembled him, he went quiet. His eyes suddenly watered, but he didn’t allow the tears to fall. He told me, “We can’t hide this forever, unless nobody sees the child.”

When the baby was just five months old, he told me he wanted to tell his mother about it. At least some family members ought to know. I kicked against it. I begged him not to. “At least let the child grow a little bit. I can’t handle probes at this moment of my life.”

The baby was only nine months old when he came to visit me with his mother in tow. I was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. His mom carried the baby in her arms without saying a word to me. I knew she was judging me, or maybe she hated me for doing that with her son. Later, she asked how I was, and I told her I was fine. That was the only thing she said. It was so awkward I was cursing my stars.

When they finally left and I called him on the phone, I was so angry I threw words at him carelessly. He was patient. He said he was looking for a way for his wife to know about it because it had become a huge burden on him. He said he couldn’t sleep at night because of guilt. It was like something was after him. I asked him to be a man and let the sleeping dog lie.

He brought his mom to see the child so she could help him relay the information to his wife. I didn’t like the way things were going, so I threatened him that if he went further with what he was planning, I was going to run away with the baby. It wasn’t a threat. I had figured out what I was going to do. I would relocate to my aunt’s house in another town and begin a life there. I was just scared.

Because of that threat, he stopped talking about letting his wife know. Our baby is two years old now. We are still together like we were not the people who were scared when the pregnancy happened. He spends weekends with us sometimes. He tells me I’m the one making him raise another family on the side. He jokes that I’ve taken him somewhere to place a spell on him.

Just yesterday, he came up with a plan. He said he doesn’t mind marrying me if push comes to shove, so we should take the risk and let his wife know. Since his mom refused to help him, he was suggesting I should be the one to do it. He told me, “You can call my wife and tell her everything. You can send photos of the baby and all the evidence you have. Or you can even come home with the child to expose me.”

I found it laughable, but he thought it was a great idea and a great escape for the two of us. The world would know what we were hiding and would come to terms with it. The child shouldn’t stay in the dark because of our lack of courage. I get his point, and I understand where he wants to go with it. I asked him, “Why don’t you do it yourself?”

He said he wanted to but couldn’t stand the view, the shock, and how his wife would take it. He was seeking my help to make it easier.

Our child is growing. He’s starting school very soon, and he said I shouldn’t put his name on the child if I wouldn’t want anyone to know about it. So I’ve been thinking about the whole thing and asking myself if it’s a good idea—to call his wife and tell her everything, or walk there and put me and my child in danger.

It’s Not God’s Law For A Man To Apologize To A Woman

Both sound like crazy ideas and also very insensitive. But the more I think of it, the more I feel like it’s the right thing to do so we no longer hide our child. What do you suggest I do? The harm has already been done. We are both guilty and don’t deserve forgiveness, but what about the child involved? Who did he hurt that he has to hide? Hmmmm…

—Philo 

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