They say life begins at forty, but mine has come apart.

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I am in my early forties. Kay is in his middle forties. This is my story.

I met Kay when I was nineteen. We became very good friends, and our friendship turned into a relationship just a year later. He was different from all the boys in my town. The town was full of boys with ugly attitudes, but he was kind.

We dated for eight years before we married. He wanted to marry me sooner, but I refused. Deep down, I knew I had not yet learned about life, about marriage, about anything. I had not experienced life in the beautiful way I dreamed of. My own parents’ marriage was not a good example for me. When I finally agreed to marry him, let’s just say I knew just enough to say yes. And so I did.

We were married for two years without a child. Not even a miscarriage to give us hope. Every month, my period came on time. There was no sign of a baby. So we went to see a doctor. It was then we found out he was shooting empty. There were no soldiers, not even policemen.

The doctor, in his professional wisdom, advised us to try IVF. But my husband refused. He said, “God promised me a child of my own. So I am not even going to think about it.” That was ten years ago. We are now ten years down the line with nothing. I had to threaten divorce before he agreed to two surgeries with one of the best urologists in the country. But even that could not help us.

Meanwhile, I am not getting any younger. We visited several fertility clinics, and they all gave the same suggestion: donor sperm and IVF. We tried IUI, but it failed because we could not afford IVF.

Thirteen years into our marriage, I was told my ovary reserve is almost empty. Unless we use both a donor egg and donor sperm, there will be no child. That means the child would not be from either of us. This sent me into a deep depression. I started to blame myself for not pushing him harder. I was filled with regret.

I had just begun to accept my fate when, early this year, I discovered he is cheating on me. Oh, this pain cuts deeper than anything. I feel used, betrayed, and worthless.

He cried. He knelt down and begged for forgiveness. He said he did not go far with her. He said the things I kept telling him after finding out about my ovary reserve drove him to do it.

But you see, I do not trust him anymore. Do I not have the right to vent? He is still a good man to me in other ways. But the only thing holding this marriage together for me has been broken.

I feel he is still with her. I could get the evidence if I wanted to. But to what end?

Is There A Man Out There Who Doesn’t Cheat?

Should I leave this marriage and start over?

Should I stay, accept my fate, and have a child this way?

How do I become happy again?

I have been married for fifteen years.

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