Growing up, I had three rules when it came to relationship;

#1. Never will I date a man who has a child. I don’t care what he did to make those kids. I also deserve a clean slate. I want to begin from a fresh page.
#2. Never will I date a married man. He could be the richest man in the world or have the best character, as far as he’s married, he’s out of my lane.
#3. A man who has a temper. The day I see any trait of violence in his character, I would walk out that same day.

The number two rule came from an experience a friend shared with me. She was dating a married man knowingly and the wife got to know about it. She said the wife called her one dawn and rained curses on her. One month later, she lost her job mysteriously. Not too long afterward, the car she was traveling with had an accident and she was the only one who got hurt and admitted to the hospital. It took her four good years and consistent prayers before she could land a new job.

So when Joe started pursuing me, I asked him, “Are you married?” He said no. I asked again, “Do you have a girlfriend?” He said no. Days later, I asked, “What happened between you and your last girlfriend that made the relationship failed?” He said, “She cheated. In fact, it’s a long story I don’t want to go into. It belongs to my past and I don’t want to visit it.” We were friends for almost three months but I never met his friend or any family member. He said he wasn’t into friends and he wasn’t into social media because it’s a waste of time.

One day, I thought of saying yes to him but my intuition kept bugging me. So, I used my friend’s phone to search for his name on Facebook. The first account that popped up was his. I carefully went through his timeline and he had made about five posts in the last twenty-four hours. I checked his profile and he had stated that he was in a relationship. I went through all his photos until I saw a photo of him and another lady with a child. You see that photos couples take when they get a child? Same photo. I went through the comment and he was receiving congratulatory messages from friends.

The woman was tagged in the photo so I went through her timeline too. Her profile stated that he was married. She had photos of herself and Joe splashed on her timeline. I said in my head, “This guy…may thunder fire him.” I sent him screenshots of what I found and he never contacted me again. He didn’t even try to explain. He rather blocked my number and blocked me on Whatsapp.

But five years ago, a man walked into the Sunday school class with two kids. He asked me, “Are you the Sunday school madam?” I said, “Yeah, I am.” He said, “These are my two kids. They are a little bit rowdy so kindly let your attention be on them for me. I’m not saying you should give them preferential treatment. Just be on them.” After church when he came for them, he asked me, “How did they do?” “They were calm,” I said. He said, “Then it’s because it’s their first time here.”

He was a new man in the church. According to him, he got transferred to Winneba and since he was a Pentecost, he decided to join our branch. I saw him every Sunday. He came to hand over the kids to me and joined the main church. After each service, he would ask me how the kids did. When the kids had a stage play, he was the only parent who sat through the play, clapping and urging the kids on. I was like, “If I had to marry, I would want a man like that—a man who understands what it means to spend time with his own kids.

And then we became friends. And then I got to know his story. And then I got my questions answered—where the mother of his kids was. He said, “If I tell you the whole story, you’ll end up hating one of us but the bottom line is, we are divorced. Two years ago, we finalized everything. I’m with the kids because I wanted to keep them so she could have the freedom to live the life she had always wanted for herself.” But as time went on, he kept spilling the details of his marriage until there was nothing else to say. I ended up sympathizing with him and got more closer to his kids.

Anytime I thought of him, rule number two came to my mind. I tried to make an exception for him anytime I thought about the possibility of us ending up together. “But he’s a good man? Look at the way he’s bringing up his kids. How many men would divorce and choose the kids?” Whenever I caught myself in such thoughts, I asked myself, “But why are you thinking this way? Has he proposed to you that you’re getting ahead of yourself?” Then I will tell myself again, “I don’t like men with kids.”

It looks like there’s this device installed in women that notifies them when a particular man likes them. He didn’t have to tell me before I knew he liked me. He called at weird hours talking about things that could wait until the next day. The way he looked at me was different from the initial stages when I was just a Sunday school madam to his kids. He started getting interested in what I did and where I went and who I went with. I was only waiting for that day when he would propose so rule number one could be tested.

He said, “My kids like you I think they wouldn’t mind having you around.” I said, “I’m always around for them.” He said, “John (the first kid) had been mentioning your name every night, won’t you come and see him one evening?” I went to see them one evening just to see what next he would say. And then he finally dropped the ball, “I want to be married again and it’s you I think of but I’m also scared you might not want a divorcee with two kids. You women think differently when it comes to such situations.” I said, “I like your kids and they also like me so I wouldn’t have any problem with them.” He asked, “So would you agree to marry me?” I said, “I need time to think about it. It’s a huge decision that will involve family. So, give some time.”

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I told my mom about it. She knew him from church so she had no problem with it. My dad said, “If you think you like him, why not? He’s a calm and a gentleman.” So, I called him two weeks later and told him “Yes!”

It turned out, it’s the best ‘yes’ I’ve ever said in my life. We got married just after a year and I moved in with him. I thought me coming in would let him slow down on the kids but no. He said, “These are things I was doing before you came in, please find something else to do.” He makes me feel I’m the most important person alive, bringing me into every decision he takes. So, I wondered, “What can a woman want so much that she would walk away from a man like this?” My mom said, “People behave differently with different people so you don’t have to be surprised.”

We have two kids between us now and watching him be the man he was after all these years still warms my heart. He’s always next to me, helping and coaching when the need be. One day I asked myself, “Were you not the one who said you wouldn’t marry a man with kids? What happened?” Then I answered myself, “Life brought me a man with kids but he was a wonderful man so…There is always an exception to the rules.”

–Antoinette

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