I was a young pastor in one of Ghana’s prominent churches, serving as the senior pastor of a branch. My ministry was thriving. I preached on radio stations through the sponsorship of a major state bank. Within two years of establishing my branch, I built a church auditorium and became a well-known name among pastors in my region. I was on a clear path to greatness.

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Unfortunately, I made the greatest mistake of my life. I got involved with one of my senior pastor’s daughters and it led to an unplanned pregnancy.

This is how it all began. I used to fellowship at the same branch as my senior pastor and his wife, who is also a pastor. My pastor’s wife and I were particularly close. She often checked on me and showed genuine concern about my personal life. Once in a while she would point to a lady in church and tell me, “This sister will make a good wife for you. What do you think?” I declined all her suggestions for different reasons but she never gave up.

One day, I jokingly suggested she give me to one of her daughters. To my surprise, she gave me her daughter’s contact.

We began communicating frequently, and in a short while, I proposed to her. She accepted but suggested we date for a month before making any serious decision about marriage.

After the first month, she told me she wasn’t feeling the connection. “I think we should end things here before it goes further,” decided. I persuaded her to give it another month, especially since ours was a long-distance relationship. She agreed.

Along the line, she came over to assist a team of medical professionals who were conducting a free health screening at my church. After the program, she stayed with me for four days. We ended up getting intimate during her stay.

Two weeks later, she returned to celebrate her 27th birthday with me. That morning, her phone kept ringing. When I picked it up to silence it, I saw a message that read:

“Baby, I’ve sent you GHS 1,000 for your birthday. Love you.”

I was shocked. When I asked her about it she explained that the message was from her ex-boyfriend, whom she had dated for five years. They had even gone through premarital counselling but broke up after he impregnated another woman from their church. According to her, “He said he is sorry. He wants me back. And the truth is that I still love him.” Then she suggested we break up.

I didn’t want to lose her. I begged her to reconsider, but she refused.

A month after our break-up, my lady pastor called to inform me that her daughter was unwell. Then it turned into news of pregnancy.

My senior pastors insisted that I marry her to avoid bringing shame to the family. Within four weeks, and under intense pressure, we held a wedding.

During the seventh month of her pregnancy, I woke up one night to find her crying. When I asked what was wrong, she looked so guilty and terrified. I encouraged her to open up. “I was with another man the same week we were together. I am not sure who the father of the baby is. I am very sorry for hiding this from you,” she confessed.

I was devastated but I chose to remain calm and support her through the pregnancy. When the baby was born, I considered doing a DNA test but changed my mind because the child strongly resembled me.

After childbirth, everything began to fall apart. My wife started denying me intimacy. It would take up to six months before she would let me touch her. In an entire year, we might be intimate only two or three times.

I reported the issue to her father, but he didn’t get involved. Out of frustration and emotional weakness, I fell into extramarital affairs. The guilt consumed me. I began to lose my spiritual strength. It got so bad that I took a sabbatical from ministry to work on myself.

During my break, I decided to study law to refocus my mind and find a new purpose. I am currently a year away from completing my LLB. However, the emotional turmoil and lack of concentration caused both my private school and clinic to collapse.

Despite numerous attempts to communicate with my wife for us to work on our marriage, nothing has changed. We now live separately because of her job and my studies. I often have to beg her to visit, and even when she does, she behaves as if I’m a stranger.

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Out of desperation I told her one day, “Let’s consider divorce since there’s no love between us.” She shrugged and said with nonchalance, “Okay, if that’s what you want I will think about it.” 

To make matters worse, I recently discovered that she has been on a five-year family planning method without my knowledge.

We have two children together. I married her when she was unemployed and have single-handedly provided for the family. Through my support, she eventually secured a contract job, which she’s held for a year now. Yet, during my financial struggles, she did not offer to help me with even a single cedi.

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At this point, I have developed deep resentment toward her parents. I feel they have done nothing to restore peace or balance in our marriage. I’ve distanced myself from them completely.

From all indications, my wife no longer loves me. However, because of our young children, I don’t feel right about leaving the marriage. We have now been married for four years but what we have doesn’t feel like a marriage.

—Jacob

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