I am the middle child of three, and not long ago, we returned home to Ghana. It was my mother, my 13-year-old sister who is autistic and nonverbal, and me. Life with a special needs sibling is hard, but coming home felt like the right decision. We left everything we knew behind, but my dad stayed where we used to live, and now everything is going wrong. Things have been rough for our family, but God has kept us going. We are not thriving, but we survive each day.
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My parents have been married for thirty years. That is three decades of love, promises, struggles, and raising children together. It has never been easy, but thirty years means something. It shows effort, commitment, and a kind of loyalty that should be respected.
But ever since we moved, my mother has changed. It feels like she resents my father, and I do not know why. I do not know if something spiritual is going on or if she is doing it on purpose. Her behaviour is painful to watch. She treats him like he is nothing, speaks to him with no respect, and acts like he does not matter.
I love my father deeply. Everything I do is to make him proud. Every goal I chase has him in mind, and the thought of losing him makes my stomach turn. It feels like I am watching her break him down piece by piece, and I cannot do anything but stand there and witness it.
She talks about divorce all the time. Any small disagreement, and she threatens to leave. When she wakes up, she says she will divorce him. When he sends money, she says she will divorce him. She adds that other men want her and that they would treat her better, as if my father is lucky to have her and should be grateful.
But my dad is a provider. As soon as his salary hits his account, he sends us seventy thousand cedis every month. Before the middle of the month, my mother has already spent it all and starts asking for more. It feels like she wants to show off or live a life that does not match our reality. I keep telling my mom she should use this money to start something for herself. “Open a hair salon or a small shop,” I tell her over and over. But she won’t listen to me, and by the middle of every month, she’s calling my dad asking for more money that he doesn’t have. She spends the money on things she wants, not things we need.
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The way she speaks to him, even when asking for money she did not earn, is painful. It hurts me to hear those words because that is the man she married. How do you speak to your husband like that without thinking twice?
What makes it worse is that my siblings do not see anything wrong, and it makes me feel like I am the only one who sees what is happening.
A few weeks ago, something happened that I will never forget. My dad called me and broke down in tears. He said he was tired of the way my mom was behaving. In all my eighteen years, I had never heard my father cry. Hearing him sob over the phone changed something in me. This strong man who raised me had nowhere else to turn but his daughter. That moment will stay with me forever.
Since we moved, my mom has been comparing herself to her unmarried friends. She wants their freedom and their lifestyle, not the life she built with my dad. One day she acts like she loves him, and the next she is so cruel that he ends up in the hospital with high blood pressure.
I will be honest. Her behaviour is starting to make me angry. I do not know if it is hate, but it is a strong and bitter feeling. I am scared of how I feel when I look at her. Sometimes I want to tell my dad to go ahead with the divorce. Let her go. Let her see if all these men she talks about really exist. Let her find out what it feels like when someone does not love her the way my dad does and does not give her everything he has.
But then I think about my little sister, who cannot speak for herself. I think about our family being torn apart even more than it already is. I think about thirty years of marriage ending because things got hard.
What my dad is going through right now is not love. It is pain. After thirty years, he should not have to choose between keeping his family together and keeping himself healthy. No man should have to send all his money to his wife every month just to be insulted, threatened, and pushed to the edge.
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Yet here we are, living in different places and hurting in different ways. We survive each day because God helps us, even though things are far from perfect. But some days I wonder if surviving is enough, or if we are just waiting for the pain to catch up with us.
So I ask you, what do you think about what my father is going through? He says it is all for love, but is this really what love looks like?
—Light
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I think your dad would be better off without her tormenting him constantly. Mental health matter, your dad deserves peace of mind.
Shine the LIGHT!
What you need to find out first is the reason for your mother’s behavior. You can’t judge without all the facts.
Unless this is fiction, such irresponsible and toxic behaviour will ruin all of you if your dad holds on to your mother in the name of wanting to be known as a man who never divorced.
If your last born is not under 10 years then the earlier your father let your mother go, the better.
I see a good woman in you capable of managing the home and your siblings and also a nanny for your last born if need be.
Your father will save and use the money for something better unless his source of income is somehow tied to your mother hence she misbehaving and your father also moving heaven and earth to keep the marriage.
If the latter is the case, let your father be smart, save money, get an alternative source of livelihood and let your mother go for the sanctity of all.
I wish you well