Kojo and I are both divorcees. He is in his mid-forties, while I’m in my mid-thirties. He has children who don’t live with him. My kids are not in my custody either. We bonded over these things when we met over a year ago. When we spoke about our experiences in our marriages and coping with the divorce, we shared the same sentiments about getting married now.
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“I am not ready to get into it just yet,” he said.
“Me neither, at least not yet. I do hope to get married again someday but for now, a committed relationship is fine with me,” I responded.
“I feel exactly the same. Why don’t we start something and see where the future will take us?” That’s how he proposed.
Conversations with him are easy and always interesting because he is well-educated with a good sense of humour. He challenges me intellectually, as I am equally well-educated.
The journey has been fairly great. We’ve been each other’s keepers.
One thing that makes it easier for us to be together is our personalities. Both of us are introverts. I don’t have to struggle too hard to be understood by him because of this. We talk about anything and everything. He has become my best friend, confidante, playmate, partner in crime, and my everything.
I know I make him as happy as he makes me. Although I have a good job that takes care of all my needs, he sends me money from time to time. I have never had to ask. He gives me because he wants to. Honestly, that’s something I really want in a partner. Someone who takes initiative. Someone who shows me through actions that I matter to him. I let him know all the time that I’m grateful for everything he does to make me feel safe and secure in our relationship.
Kojo is big on loyalty—he lets me know he wouldn’t compromise on it. To some, he might come across as controlling, but I don’t mind. We’ve never had issues about how possessive he gets. Mostly because I’m big on loyalty too. So if he needs proof that he is the only man in my life, why not give it to him?
For someone who doesn’t want me to entertain other men, I found out a few months ago that he has started seeing other women. I haven’t confronted him. I’m too hurt to say anything to him.
I’ve been detaching slowly. He has already started complaining that I have changed. A part of me wants to leave him entirely. However, there’s another part that wants to ignore what he is doing and just focus on my place in his life so I can have my emotional needs met.
After all, that was all I wanted from the beginning. To have someone who would be present for me. If he is seeing other people but still giving me what I want, should I leave regardless?
I’m at a crossroads. It hurts to be fully invested in someone who demands loyalty but can’t give it back.
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One might ask, “Why don’t you also see other men on the side?” That’s not who I am. I’m loyal to a fault. Once I’m with someone, I can’t even entertain the thought of another man, not even for a fling.
Do you think I should look the other way and let him have his fun on the side? To be clear, I used to think he takes his sexual health seriously. We both ran STD tests before starting this relationship, so we never used protection for over a year. But I keep asking myself, what if he didn’t take the same precautions with those women and he catches something and infects me?
—Ayorvi
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I think at times people dont actually say the truth as to why they left the other person…but at times its one of those things that you have just noticed right there…i dont think you think je is controlling because you are there to be loved and give ot your all but infact he is controlling so that at one point you never suspect anything or find out anything thats how they start…. then later start accusing you of this that are not even existent and the beating at some point. There are mem like that….my boyfriend who is now my husband did not want me to have friends at college neither did he want me to hug or be seen with college boys because he was a working man….i used to feel like he was protecting me till i caught him with a girl holding hands in public…. but till today he cheats like a mad man.
So be carefull when they want things done a certain way but they themeselves dont follow the same route or routine. You dont want your second marriage or relationship full of hurt or confusion. Red flag already beacuse why would he need another woman again really 😑
Both of you weren’t thinking of marriage at the beginning. But I think you should sound him out and let him know that you’re aware of his other woman. His response will help you decide your next move.
You are both adults; set in your ways. He knows what he wants, and you know what you want. He’s doing what he thinks works for him, so you do same, because you agreed that you want a non-committal relationship, and that’s what you are getting. Continue to give it away for free or walk away. It’s your choice. He owes you nothing.