I’m 27 while my husband is 42. My husband lied to me about his age when we were getting married. I believed he was in his thirties but I found out he is 15 years older than me two years ago. Honestly, I should have known he was that old because of the way he behaved. The power imbalance in our relationship is very glaring. Everything has to be his way and I am only supposed to comply.

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Since the beginning of our marriage, it’s been nothing but stress for me. I’ve had to do all kinds of work just to make ends meet. Ade used to own a fashion shop, but he closed it down after a few years. According to him, “Customers don’t pay well.”

If you ask me, I would say customers pay based on their impression of the shop. If the place is neat and properly kept, it gives a sense of high maintenance. But my man’s shop was always dirty and poorly kept. Anytime I asked him to tell his boys to clean it up, he’d get angry. Who would expect not to pay low prices in such a shop?

We have four children but he has refused to work after closing his shop. He prefers to stay home with the kids while I go out to work. He says it’s because he loves them so much and wants to spend time with them.

I’m self-employed. I braid hair at the market, but what I earn isn’t much. Most times, I’m thinking about how to stretch that little money just to feed us. Meanwhile, my able-bodied husband who can work and support the family would rather sleep from morning till night. He’s just so lazy.

Many times, I’ve told him that he’s killing me with all this pressure. I don’t remember the last time he spoiled me. He doesn’t give me money for anything. Not even to buy stuff for our kids. He always doesn’t have money. I’ve had to pay the house rent several times, and now he acts like it’s normal for me to do it every time.

I didn’t plan to but recently, I met a man who showed me genuine care. At first, I didn’t want to give him any attention because I’m married. Nonetheless, the stress and emotional burden from marriage weighed heavily on me. And his presence made my heart lighter.

Before I knew it, I started seeing him. He cared deeply for me, and I fell in love with him. Unlike my husband, he noticed how I looked, cared if I was okay, and supported me financially. My phone was broken before I met him but he helped me fix it. He also gives me money every time I need to get my hair done.

Sadly, that man passed away just a few weeks ago from a minor illness. He was married too.

Now, I feel like I’m losing my mind. My grief aside, his absence of provision is taking a toll on my kids. They deserve a better life than what their father gives them.

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Ade has started working with someone, but even when he goes to work, he sometimes brings home only ₦5,000 and expects it to take care of all of us. In this Nigerian economy?

I thought men, especially older men, like to take care of their women. So why did I end up with the one who wants to be provided for? Honestly, I am tired.

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I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve even considered becoming a surrogate just to raise money for my kids. I feel so trapped. Should I walk away from this marriage and start over for the sake of my sanity and my children?

Please, I need advice. I’m emotionally drained.

— Love 

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