I was raised by my mum. My dad was not in the picture, and neither did I have any father figure in my life. It was just my mum and me. She did her best to make sure I was okay. She also taught me to be independent. That’s how I grew up, so I have always been comfortable in my skin. I make my own choices and don’t seek validation from anyone. 

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My way of life felt normal to me until I had my first boyfriend. I don’t even understand how we agreed to be together in the first place. For most of our time together, we never agreed on anything. All we did was argue about little things. 

Every time we fought, he told me, “You are the problem. You need to work on yourself, if not, no man will marry you.” I never took him seriously. I felt it was one of those things men say when they are arguing with a woman. 

We tried to make it work, but our differences were too much. So in the end, I broke up with him. 

The next man I dated after him was no different. It was one quarrel or argument after another. It didn’t take long before the relationship ended. By the time I broke up with my sixth boyfriend, it started to dawn on me that, truly, there must be something wrong somewhere. I even concluded that my mum was right to stay away from men, after all. “Maybe men are just not good people,” I thought. So I decided that I will also stay away from men. 

While I was focused on building myself, Prince came along. Unlike all my exes, he was calm and gentle. This was one thing that constantly made me happy. I felt a man like him wouldn’t be quarrelsome, and it was true. He preferred to give me the silent treatment when he was upset rather than argue with me.

When things were good, he always told me he loved me. He did his best to show it too, but after everything I had been true, I struggled to see his love. Even when I pretended to believe him, I always waited for the other shoe to drop. 

One day, he called and said, “We need to talk about something important. Can we meet?”

When we met, he asked questions about my family and past relationships. I didn’t realize where it was going until he finally told me what was on his mind. He said, “I love you, this is something you know. I want to marry you, but you behave like a man. Two men cannot get married, Araba.”

He asked that we should break up while I take time to work on myself. He said it wasn’t something he could help me overcome. “You grew up with a certain mindset about men, so you need to work to deconstruct that. You can start by reconnecting with your father. Trust me, it will help you.”

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Though the breakup was a mutual one, I was still sad to see him go. I have decided to take his advice and work on myself. However, I don’t think I need my dad at this stage. What I need is to work on myself and become better.

First, I reached out to some of my exes and asked about our past together. Every single one of them said the same thing: “We didn’t work out because you act like a man.” They didn’t tell me then, but they were glad I finally realized the issue. The problem is, none of them was willing to help or offer me any direction.

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I don’t have any close friends I can talk to about this either. Sometimes I sit alone and think about my life, and I envy people who grew up with both parents. It seems like most of them have better luck with love. 

I want to know if there is hope for me. What can I do to be more feminine so I don’t go about acting like a man?

—Araba

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