It’s happening again and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s like watching a car crash. I know the pain and the damage that will come afterward but I don’t have the power to change the course of things. I can only sit down and write this story in tears. It feels like mourning the death of someone who is still alive. That’s because I have been here one too many times. I have seen it all play out over and over again so I already know the end from the beginning. 

If I have seen it all already then why am I crying? Shouldn’t I get used to it by now? I don’t know, does anyone ever get used to heartbreak? Imagine something as fragile as the human heart breaking over and over again. Does it get stronger with each tear, or does the pain intensify with every disappointment? Again. I don’t have the answers. 

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The only thing I can say is that I love hard. I give everything I have to these men. I am a financially independent woman so I don’t even ask them for anything. Rather, I cook for them with my own money. I do their laundry and clean their homes. Anything a man requires a woman to do to audition for a wife, I do it eagerly. I am literally submissive to a fault. What do I get in return for holding these men down? Pain and betrayal.   

When I met Simon, I thought all those years of disappointments were behind me. This guy was more of a saint than a sinner. I felt I could trust him. I hid nothing from him. I opened up about all the men who promised me a beautiful future only to disappear when our dreams were within reach. 

I told Simon everything about the first man. His name is Kwame. I thought he was the one. I was sure of it. His words and actions told me marriage was the goal. Shortly after his family came to see my family for the knocking ceremony we got into a big fight. I was ready to talk through things and get to a point of reconciliation but he wasn’t. Like a poorly scripted movie, this guy went to my family and collected the drinks meant for the knocking rites. That was the end of the future we dreamed of.

A couple of years down the line, Kwame returned to my life with a child in hand. “I never stopped loving you after I left,” he said in an attempt to win me back. When I wouldn’t budge he admitted, “I need a good mother for my child, and you are the perfect person for the role.” As adorable as that child was, I stood my ground and turned him away. 

The next man who promised to marry me after Kwame is Yaw. “Yaw was different, or so I thought,” I said as I recounted tales of my past to Simon. As for him, we didn’t get to the knocking stage but his betrayal cut deep regardless. The very day he was supposed to introduce me to his family was the day our relationship ended. 

We didn’t fight. He simply left me waiting for him by the roadside and never showed up. The next time I heard from him was after a year had passed. Just like Kwame, he showed up but instead of a child, he had twins. “Things didn’t work out between me and their mother,” he said with defeat in his voice. He too wanted me to help him raise his children. I said no and turned him away.

As for Kwaku, it was as if he was sent by the devil to deliver the final blow. While I was busy pouring all my love into him, he secretly married another woman. I didn’t find out until he cut off all communication with me for no reason. In an attempt to know what I did wrong, I went digging and discovered that it was because of his new bride. It broke me. I don’t know how I survived but by God’s grace, I sailed through the pain and found healing. 

Just like the others, Kwaku also came back. It was a year after his wife passed. “Is there a chance you will take me back?” he begged. After the way he left me broken, how could I? I turned him away too.

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Simon promised to be different. “Those men didn’t know what they had when they had you but I see the treasure you are.”

We even started praying together. Morning and evening, we prayed. All of it was to secure our future but the moment I took him home to meet my family everything changed. He is now acting cold and distant. When I finally reached him I asked if I had done anything wrong. With an almost robotic voice he said, “No, I am busy,” and then he hung up.

It’s Not God’s Law For A Man To Apologize To A Woman

It’s been days now but I haven’t heard from him. This is how I know I am losing him too. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. I ask myself if I have a bad attitude. But if that’s the case then why do they keep coming back after they leave?

I am thirty-six but I have never been married, nor do I have a child. I have fasted and prayed for God to change my story but I am still here, getting served heartbreak after heartbreak. Has anyone experienced this before? How did you change things?

—Nanny

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