My father was alive when I was growing up but he chose not to be present in our lives. We knew where to find him but it didn’t change anything. A man who does not want to be responsible does not need to run away to be irresponsible. He was right within reach but he made it clear we were not his business.

My mother had to do it all alone. It was not easy for her to take care of me and my siblings but what choice did she have in the matter?

We also did our best not to give her too much trouble. We kept our heads straight and did what was expected of us. The one time trouble came to our doorstep was hell. It was my mum who got arrested at work. She and her work colleagues got into trouble for something that went wrong.

At that time I was in my final year at the university. My tuition hadn’t been paid because there was no money. So where were we supposed to get the money to bail her out? I was terrified.

I reached out to my father for help. Although he was never present for us, he was the one who came to mind in our time of distress. As usual, he didn’t show up for us. I had to reach out to my uncles and stepbrothers. Thankfully, they came through for us. Mum was bailed and our father was out there living his life.

We went through so much because of our father’s absence but we didn’t even tie him to half of the challenges. For instance, I used to think that I turned out fine regardless of it all. I went through my adult life acting like it didn’t bother me that he wasn’t there. Not knowing it was affecting me in my relationships.

I let so many men walk all over me in the name of love. I knew they were bad for me but somehow I found myself yearning and craving their attention. I just wanted a man in my life who would care for me. Someone who would ask, “How did your day go?” And then spend time talking to me as if I was theirs.

Maybe the men could sense my need for them. I was probably too loud about it. They pretended to give me everything I wanted in the beginning but at some point, they would start using their attention to manipulate me. “If you don’t do this, I won’t show up.” This kind of talk had me accepting whatever crumbs they gave me.

Every time a man treated me like trash, I felt like that little girl who was waiting for a dad who never showed up. This was a pain I didn’t even know I carried.

A lot of the choices I made emanated from this pain but I thought I was normal. Unlike me, my sister expressed her pain differently. She rebelled against everyone and everything until she lost her way and contracted an incurable STD.

Sometimes when I look at her I think, “Maybe, if our father hadn’t abandoned us she wouldn’t have gone astray in the first place.”

The emptiness and longing to be loved by a man, who was never there is something else. The interesting thing is that I go through life meeting men who abandon me the way my father did. That’s how I am thirty-three and still unmarried. Sometimes I feel sad that at my age, I have no kids to call me mother.

Sometimes the loneliness feels like an ache in my bones. It’s hard not to have someone to call my own. There are times I even consider closing my mind to men completely but I tell myself I won’t give up.

That’s all I have, hope. I can only hang in there hoping that I get to see the silver lining through all these. Maybe someday I will meet the man of my dreams. Maybe someday I’ll learn to love and accept myself regardless of who is or isn’t loving me right. When that day comes, I will a write better story. One of love and triumphs.

– Brie