In 2019, my brother’s best friend had a crush on me and told my brother about it. My brother advised him not to date me. He also advised me not to pay any attention to his friend. I listened to him sweetly and promised to keep my distance. But neither Garvey nor I stayed away from each other.

He continued talking to me, doing everything possible to get my interest. Maybe it was because I thought he was cool. Or it could be the fact that I was young and naive. Somehow I enjoyed the thrill of the pursuit. I knew I shouldn’t entertain him on that level but it felt exciting to do it and get away with it. 

He would call me and we would speak on the phone for hours. The conversations usually started on a harmless note but he always found a way to direct the course toward something personal and intimate. One day, while we were talking about kisses, he suggested; “Why don’t we try kissing?” I hadn’t done it before and he knew this. “Don’t worry I will teach you,” he promised.

That very afternoon he invited my brother and his friends over to his place under the guise of cooking together. While they were all hanging out, he snuck away and came to our house. I was at home with my mum but it didn’t work against him. He was like a son to her. She even served him when she finished cooking. 

After eating he asked me to see him off. My mother didn’t raise any eyebrows. So I stepped out with him. We were still walking on my compound when he dragged me into a secluded place and kissed me. It felt awkward but it wasn’t so bad. 

After that day, we started sneaking around to kiss. My brother didn’t suspect a thing. I didn’t know if we were friends who kissed or if we were more. Nobody defined it. We just kept doing it until I left my parents’ place and went to live with my relatives in another district.  

One day, he called me and said he missed me. “It’s been too long since I saw you. Can we meet?” I had missed him too. So we hung out and kissed again. We didn’t go all the way but I liked being with him. I believe that’s why I didn’t object when it became a thing. 

We met every Sunday and performed all forms of sexual acts on each other yet I still didn’t know what we were. “What are we doing?” I asked him one day. He shrugged and said; “We enjoy each other’s company.” I didn’t like that response. It made me feel I was being used. I decided the best thing to do for myself in that situation was to take a step back from him. 

I did well for a while. But when I returned home he was also on holidays from school. With my brother as his best friend, he was constantly in space. Before long, I was back to doing regrettable things with him behind closed doors. 

I had a little hope that we could mean something more to each other. That hope was dashed to pieces when I found out that he had a girlfriend. My brother confirmed this. I had to stop talking to him to protect my heart from getting hurt. 

In 2020, I went to the university and got a boyfriend while he also had a girl. We didn’t talk much. 

In 2021, we started talking again. He was still with his girlfriend but he kept saying, “I just want us to stay friends.” Eventually, I gave in and we tried to be friends again. He was in another district at the time, doing an internship. I went to visit him one day and we got together again. I know, the back and forth has been exhausting for me. 

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It’s not as if he was showering me with gifts or doing anything special to keep me tethered to him. Even on the day I went to visit him, I gave him money after he complained that he didn’t have anything in his wallet. 

Amidst the back and forth, we found ourselves in the same school this year. It was when we got to this place that we finally did it for the first time. 

I Had Some Hope For Marriage Until He Invited Me To His Wedding

After all these years we are still sneaking around. Left to me, we would be an actual couple but he has a girlfriend. I feel guilty about what I am doing with another woman’s man but I am finding it difficult to let him go.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have grown to love him. I know he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings but I can’t help it. On his birthday, for instance, I bought him a jersey and a hoodie. When it was my turn I didn’t get even a coin from him.

All the times I asked him for money, he gave it to me only on condition that I would repay it. Meanwhile, I know he spoils his girlfriend with gifts and buys her nice food. I’m tired of staying here and feeling stuck. I want to move on but I am struggling. I need help. I would stop talking to him but the moment he texts or calls me, I go running to him. What can I do to stop hurting myself like this?

— Kausiwa, Malawi.

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