For a few years, I was outside the country working. It was during that period I met Abena. I saw her profile on Facebook and realized she was an old classmate. So I sent her a message. Our friendship picked off from that moment. We had an interesting time getting to know each other.
She presented an image of a financially stable woman. That was one of the traits I was looking for in a woman.
The more things I discovered about her, the more I liked her. I am the kind of man who sees what I like and goes for it. The same thing happened in my interactions with Abena. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t met yet. The moment I knew I liked her, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She also didn’t waste time. She accepted my proposal almost immediately and we started dating.
Despite the distance between us, I showed her care and affection. That’s what happens when a man is crazy about a woman, I suppose. I was so happy she was mine. I didn’t even wait to get to Ghana before telling my mother about her.
One of the first things she asked me was, “Where is she from?” I told her, “She is an Asante.” She then asked if I was sure she was the one for me. We are Ewes. Anyone in this country knows the two tribes don’t always get along, especially when it comes to matters of love and marriage. My mother expressed the same concerns, that our differences in backgrounds may clash.
She is my mother. I didn’t want to go against her. Nonetheless, I didn’t want to allow tribal differences to stand in my way of love. So I told her, “Abena’s tribe doesn’t change anything for me. All that matters to me is the love we share.” What else could she do but support my decision?
I am currently back in Ghana. When I was making preparations to return, Abena told me she had some money saved up. “I have decided to use it as capital to start a business,” she announced. It was a reasonable amount to start a good business. I liked that. We even made plans about her business, and how it would factor into the life we were going to build together.
Upon my return, I found something entirely different. The money she mentioned she had in her savings was nonexistent. What she actually had was an amount too small to start a good business. Now, why would she lie about money she didn’t have? I saw it as a red flag but I overlooked it because I was sure we could work things around it.
Along the line, she got pregnant. That was when I got to know the truth about her finances. Everything was on me. Right from the pregnancy stage to the time the baby arrived, I paid all the bills. Every other thing she needed in between, was on me. Even the cheapest item she could have afforded, I bought it. She never had money to pay for anything.
At first, it wasn’t a problem for me. After all, I am a man and it’s my job to take care of my family. So I provided without raising any objections until the burden became too much for me to bear. The thing is, I have other responsibilities. I am the one supporting my mother and my siblings. That’s why it mattered to me that I end up with a woman who is financially stable enough to support me build our home together.
Because of this, I felt deceived by Abena. She made me believe she had something going for herself. Only for me to return to Ghana and find she had nothing. It was all a lie to make herself look good.
Apart from her deception, I have noticed she has issues with authority. This is not even about me. It’s about her mother. Her mother came to live with us when the baby arrived, and she has been here since.
Abena talks to her mother in a way I could never dream of speaking to my mother. She scolds the woman as if she is a child. Whenever she has to tell her something, her tone is harsh and disrespectful. On several occasions, I have sat her down and told her, “I don’t like the way you talk to your mother. Show her some respect.” She would say okay, but the next time it would happen again.
Her behaviour continued and even got worse. One day her mother got angry and packed her bags to leave. I had to step in and beg the woman on Abena’s behalf. She almost didn’t agree to stay but I was persuasive.
Honestly, after the way I have seen her treat her mum, I am no longer confident about my future with her. If she can disrespect the woman who gave her life then what will she do to me?
So far she hasn’t disrespected me. I am thinking it’s because we are not yet married officially. I hear women put up a certain attitude toward their men until marriage happens, then they change. So I am worried that when I finally put a ring on her finger, she will treat me the same way she treats her mother.
Does Marriage Benefit Men More Than Women?
I am making preparations to leave the country again. The original plan was to marry her legally before I leave but now I am having second thoughts. When I discussed this with my mother she said, “I warned you about your choice but you did not listen to me.” According to her, the women from our tribe are more well-cultured and make good marriage materials, and that I should’ve made the right choice.
The truth is, I don’t want to make this about tribe, especially now that there is a child involved. That’s why I am hoping to get advice from a neutral audience without the tribal filters getting in the way. Based on what I have seen about Abena so far, will I be making a mistake if I marry her? I need all the advice I can get.
— Edgar
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Marry her and you shall see and taste pepper. She is a walking red flag. What you are seeing is what you get. Just take care of the child and go about your business. Your greatest mistake is you settling down with her. This is not a matter of tribal difference. It’s a matter of deception and lack of respect.
You must marry her, my sir! You guys are turning them into baby mamas and leaving them over silly excuses. You two deserve each other, a liar and a fornicator. I rest my case!
but how does she treat you? If you’re okay then go ahead and marry her. forget about her mum, maybe that’s how she trained her daughter. But caution her about how she’ll treat your family
Don’t let the finances be an excuse, you have already committed. get her a job and leave peacefully, that’s love, one must sacrifice. Better the devil you know than the one you don’t
You’re right. If she can talk disrespectfully to her mother then there’s no one else she cannot lash out on, least of all you. She is not a nuturer, she is selfish and deceitful. Don’t feel obliged to marry her. Cut your losses and get out. Provision for your child but be firm and steadfast about having nothing more to do with her.