My marriage is just around the corner. It’s somewhere next year but it’s still close enough. I  have met my fiance’s family. They are the kind that believe in traditional family values. I suppose it is because they are devout Christians. I am also a staunch Christian. I believe in traditional family values too. This should be good for all of us but there is a big problem from my side. 

The thing is, I don’t come from a family like theirs. I wasn’t raised by my mum and dad. Heck, I don’t even know who my biological father is. So far there are three men I know of. Any of them could be my father. I know the simple thing is to ask my mother. Well, who do you think told me about these three men? 

She is the reason I have three fathers instead of one. They say a woman always knows the biological father of her child but that rule does not apply in our case. According to the stories she told me, the first man she suspected to be responsible for the pregnancy is from the northern part of Nigeria. When she told him about the pregnancy his response was, “It’s not mine.” That was the end. He stood his ground and rejected pregnancy until he disappeared from her life. 

She never saw him again after that. She has no news of him either. He could be dead or still alive, nobody knows. She is more certain that he was responsible for the pregnancy than the others.

The second man she told me about lives in Ghana. He is a Ghanaian from the north. “He too denied responsibility of the pregnancy although we were intimate around the time I conceived,” my mother said. His rejection didn’t stop her from giving me his name though. I have been signing his last name my entire life. Why she chose his name for me, I don’t know.

I didn’t know the man until I turned twenty-two in 2022. That was when we finally met. After that one time, we did not meet again. He is in the military. We don’t have any relationship either. While I was open to getting to know him more, he showed no interest in being involved in my life. So I also had to stay in my corner.

The third man is from the Greater Accra region of Ghana. As for him, he didn’t deny the pregnancy. My mother didn’t give him the opportunity to make that choice. They were together when she found out she was pregnant. After the other two denied responsibility, she chose not to tell this third man about it. Rather, she disappeared from his life without a trace. 

He didn’t know about my existence until I met him in 2020 when I went on a search for my father. When I found him he was so happy to meet me. He has his own family but he didn’t turn me away. Instead, he introduced me to them. And they embraced me wholeheartedly. They are nice people.  

The man is also nice. Ever since we met, he has been intentional about being present in my life. He stepped in and filled the void I had always felt growing up because I didn’t have a father figure to look up to. He provides me with the fatherly love I have always dreamed of experiencing. I am not even talking about money, because he is not rich. 

I mean the care, the attention, the guidance, and the support system he has given me to this point is something I did not expect to get when I found him. So I am always grateful when he shows up for me. 

His parents also love me. They always want me to visit and spend time with them.

My problem now is, which of these men should I introduce to Kwesi’s parents as my father? As for Daddy number one, he is out of the question. The military man wouldn’t have mattered either had it not been that I have his surname. I worry that if I introduce the man who has actually been a father to me, they will ask questions about the differences in our surname. That’s not something I wish to explain to them. It’s also too late to switch last names because they already know my full name.

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Kwesi does not know the story of my birth. Now, I am worried that if he somehow discovers this shameful family secret, he will use it against me. I know he is a man of God but he is human. What do I do?

A part of me feels I should open up to him about it so we decide what to do together. That way if his people find out, it wouldn’t be a surprise to him. But here is the thought. This whole thing means my mother was intimate with three different men around the time I was conceived. What will they say about her? Kwesi might even think I would do the same thing to him. 

Marriage Turned Me Into Who I Was Not

Because of these fears, I have started exploring other options. I even had this crazy idea of hiring a stranger to play the role of my father during the marriage ceremony. This way I would eliminate all the family drama. The other idea is to postpone the whole marriage thing until I am sure of which of the possible fathers to present to my fiance’s family.

This whole thing is eating me up. It’s even affecting my relationship. Whenever he speaks of the plans we’ve made, I become anxious and withdraw. Most of the time I am lost in thoughts trying to figure out this whole thing. Now I know I can’t do it alone. That’s why I need you to give me ideas and suggestions. 

— Ewura Ama

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