It all started when my husband started ignoring me. I might as well have been invisible to him. He would barely talk to me. When he did, it was with disdain. When it came to provision, he withdrew it. I had a husband I was living with but I felt like a nobody. He was behaving this way toward me as an act of punishment.

 Ever since we got married, I never turned down my husband whenever he needed intimacy. Even when I was not in the mood and he wanted it, I gave it to him. I was your typical traditional wife. I did all the domestic work while maintaining a career so I could help with the bills. I was also the same person who spent the most time with our kids. Which means all the physical work of raising them falls on me. 

I never treated this man badly or did him any wrong. I played by the rules that were set for me. Everything they said good wives did, I fulfilled them. The only day I faltered in my duties was one night when I got sick. Despite my poor health, I still pulled my weight. I made sure the house was clean, there was food at home, and the kids were well taken care of. 

It was tedious to exert myself this way but the one thing that kept me going was the thought that I would finally get some rest after the kids had gone to sleep. When it was finally time for me to retire to bed, my husband started touching me. 

On any other day, I would have gone along with it until he got what he desired, but that night was not any other night. “Not tonight,” I told him, “I am not feeling well.” It was either he did not hear me or he thought my illness was not something that should get in the way of his desires. Whatever it was, he chose to ignore my protests and try to persuade me to give in to him. I also knew how terrible I was feeling so I said no. 

Out of anger, he said, “If you won’t let me do it then take your body. I will also take my money. From now onward, don’t ask me to give you money for anything.” He sounded serious but things spoken in anger often sound serious. I told myself, “When he calms down he will realize how harsh he sounded and let it go.” It turned out that I was wrong. 

I never thought he could take things to the extreme but he did. I tried to get us to talk about the issue so we would move past it but he refused. He would go to work and not return home. He gave me the cold shoulder on days he was at home. I didn’t want to make the problem worse so I quietly watched him do whatever he wanted. 

I started feeling small in the marriage. It even affected the way I carried myself about. I would hunch over as if I was trying to disappear into myself. All my efforts at making peace continued to meet the coldness of my husband. 

This went on until I met a married man. He was also having problems in his marriage. That’s how we bonded. He would talk to me about his problems at home and I would give him counsel. I too would share my cold war situation at home and he would give me a listening ear. 

We were just trying to be each other’s support systems through trying times. One thing we did not consider was the effect the constant communication would have on us. How can you talk to someone 24/7 and not grow fond of them eventually? That was what happened in our case. All that being there for each other soon grew into love. 

When we realised what was going on, we tried to cut off communication but it felt like an impossible situation. The peace and calm I got from him were like a force pulling me to him. Even gravity couldn’t have had such a strong effect. With him, I didn’t feel like a nobody. I felt seen. I felt heard. I was understood. He too said he felt the same way with me. “How do we just walk away from this great connection we share?” He asked. 

Things escalated when we met to talk and ended up doing the did. From that moment, I knew there was no hope of walking away from him. That was the beginning of our affair. My marriage was five years old when I started seeing this man. We have been together for two years now. 

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Two whole years. This is how long it has taken for my husband to come to the realisation that I have accepted his silent treatment. It is now he has started working on reconciliation. He apologizes every chance he gets. It would have meant something two years ago but I don’t love him anymore. Unfortunately, I am in love with somebody’s husband and I am struggling to end it. 

I know I was not forced into this affair but I have tried everything possible to end it to no avail. My boyfriend refuses to let go. He says he can’t live without me. I don’t blame him. After all the ways we’ve bonded, we have fallen deeply in love. We spoke at length about this. “What are we going to do now? This whole situation feels like a mess,” I asked. In the end we agreed, “We will divorce our spouses and be together.” 

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As the saying goes, it is easier said than done. His wife says she won’t grant him the divorce. She wants him to stay for their kids. Me too my husband says he is not going anywhere. He is now ready to fight for our marriage and fix whatever is broken. I am also at a point where I feel he is too late. 

I know some people will insult me but that’s fine. I didn’t enter my marriage thinking I would find myself in this kind of situation but here I am. I am in a mess that feels impossible to get out of. I need advice on what to do. Should I push for the divorce and go be with the man I love, or I should sacrifice my happiness and give my husband another chance? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

— Ma Afia

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