The first time I met Peace was in the evening. It happened two years ago. I was on my way to work when she asked to hitch a ride. Since we were heading in the same direction, I picked her and we got talking. When I got to my workplace, I took her number right after she disembarked from my bike. I wasn’t much interested in her though. I just wanted someone to have a fling with. I hadn’t been in a relationship for a long time and I wasn’t ready for one either.

I didn’t hide my intentions from her. I didn’t pretend to want something I wasn’t ready for, just to get something from her. Right from the beginning I told her, “I am not interested in anything serious. I only need someone to be sexually intimate with. A friend too. So more like a friends-with-benefits arrangement.” She agreed.

After that conversation, the next time we met was when I went to her shop. It was the second time I was seeing her. Unlike our first encounter in the evening, it was daylight this time. She appeared different. As in, she was not as appealing as I remembered her from our first encounter. Plus, I perceived this odour on her that I didn’t like when we hugged. So, I began to avoid her.

Before I continue with the rest of the story, let me tell you a little bit about myself. From the outside, people think I am one rich dude who is educated, well-spoken, and exposed. That’s not entirely who I am. I am just a guy who loves to dress sensibly, conduct myself appropriately, and pays attention to my image. I am educated, at least I make the effort to educate my mind. I am a police officer. This means money is not something I possess in abundance. I like to tell people that I am a poor guy who is trying to meet the demands of family and the expectations of society. The first of seven sons. I am very homely, an introvert, and a worrier.

Due to my nature, I am drawn to calm people. This was one of the things that inured me to Peace despite my reservations about her physique and her unpleasant odour. She was calm and soft-spoken. Although I was trying to avoid her, I thought of her often. I would ask myself, “Is she that bad? She may not be very pretty, but she is very respectful and humble.” Another thing I found impressive about her was how hard she worked. If she was not at her shop, she was busy at her job as an auxiliary nurse.

I also have a thing for good girls and she was one. However, I struggled to rekindle the interest I lost in her. She became the one doing the chasing. Needless to say, she noticed I was avoiding her. She asked me about it and I opened up to her about the body odour. She took everything I said with grace. She didn’t say much about it or try to excuse or explain it away.

To my utter surprise, she smelled like heaven the next time I went to see her. That changed everything for me. Our relationship was rekindled.

She later visited my apartment and we made love. While we were in bed cuddling, she told me that she had been married but ran away from the man because he was abusive and very dirty. He was a businessman in Lagos but brought juju home. That was what he used to make his business succeed. “We are not through with the divorce process,” she said, “my people have informed his people to come and get back the dowry he paid over me. After that, I will be free to marry again.”

In hindsight, I shouldn’t have said this but I seized that moment to tell her I wasn’t going to marry her. She was silent, pained I am sure. And I felt the sting of my words in that silence. But I didn’t want to give her false hope.

All that while, I was not emotionally invested in her. Then in February of this year, I broke up with her. I tried to make it as painless as possible. In preparation for the breakup, I stopped calling her. She too had sensed my loss of interest and stopped trying to get my attention.

When I was sure we were detached I sent her a message, “You are a good girl, a good man’s dream. The problem with us is that I am not the good man you deserve.” I don’t remember if she responded. Only that at the time, I thought I was ready to move on. I found myself comparing girls who got close to me to her. I felt they were better for me than she was.

I didn’t hear from her until two months passed. She called me one Sunday and said she was in my neigbourhood. She asked if she could drop by to check up on me. I was delighted. Told her I’d be happy to have her. Later she cancelled. “Something came up. I am sorry I can’t make it,” she texted. I was disappointed but it didn’t matter. We started talking again.

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In the months that have followed, I find myself falling in love with her. In the beginning, she would tell me “I love you”. I couldn’t say it to her but I explained to her that although I liked her a lot, I was not sure about the love part and what it meant. I just didn’t want to say something I didn’t understand. However, I feel it now so I have told her lately that I love her.

I have fallen deeply for her. I think about her often. But it seems now she’s holding back. I call her to hear her voice and chat with her, and it’s as if she’s not there. She gives one-word responses. I want to hear her problems, even if I don’t have the solution she feels she needs. It would just be nice to hear them and be part of them. I told her, “I want to grow with you and help you grow too.” However, she doesn’t seem to care anymore.

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I am a feeler, not a talker, but when I do talk, I like to talk about deep and meaningful things. Now I want to have those deep and intimate chats with Peace. I want her to open up to me, and feel free with me. But this time I’m not getting it. She has shut me out.

It frustrates me when I want to call her. Because it feels like she’s tolerating me. Sometimes, I worry that I might be worrying too much. I want us to be okay. I don’t know if I’m being selfish for wanting her now, after I had told her I didn’t want her. How do I get her to rekindle her interest in me again?

— Dele

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