My wife, Emily, and I were both raised in conservative families. The kind of values instilled in us are the reasons we were both virgins when we met. When we started dating, we agreed that we would remain as such until marriage. The thought of being each other’s first was so exciting. When we started making preparations for marriage, we discussed with eagerness all the things we were going to explore together.

Although we hadn’t done it yet, we read widely about the subject. We also listened to others who had been there share their experiences. We learned everything there was to know about shuperu. At least, in theory.

We agreed on the things we would like to try. We both had fantasies we wanted to fulfil. Every discussion built up my anticipation for a whirlwind of passion and discovery that would follow us after we stand at the altar and say, “I do.”

With much patience, the big day finally arrived. It was the day of our memorable wedding that was held in a quaint chapel. It was also the day we found out that just because you have a wealth of knowledge in theory does not mean it would transfer to practice. That night as we excitedly embarked on the mission to consummate our marriage, we were faced with a reality that was a stark contrast to our dreams.

We couldn’t even go all the way on our wedding night. The entire honeymoon period brought us face-to-face with the challenges of physical intimacy. It took us several frustrating weeks to achieve full penetration. We knew she would experience some discomfort at first but our experience was surprisingly painful for Emily. It left me feeling guilty and concerned about her health.

I didn’t want to risk hurting her again so I suggested we visit a local health clinic upon our return. The gynaecologist, a patient woman with a calming presence, assured us that Emily’s discomfort was normal for first-timers and advised us to keep trying. We took her advice and found that it was true. With time, it got better. However, the shadow of those initial difficulties hung over our heads like a sword.

Regardless, we didn’t let those worries get in the way of our exploration. In our quest for more exciting sexual experiences, we experimented with various positions. These experiments were important to me because I was eager to satisfy my curiosity about intimacy.

It was all going well until we discovered that many of the positions we tried caused Emily significant discomfort. So we resorted to only the missionary position. A position she found more tolerable and even enjoyable than the other ones that excited me.

Nine months have passed since we settled into this routine. I have tried to switch things up a little. But Emily now refuses to try any other positions. I also don’t want her to do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable so I’ve accepted her stance. It’s just unfortunate that my respect for her comfort has left our sex life monotonous and unfulfilling for me. I say for me, because she seems to enjoy our intimacy more than I do. Knowing this only compounds my feelings of emptiness.

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I’ve tried to make her understand that that one position is not working for me. I was gentle about my approach. I even told her, “I am hoping we can revisit some of the positions we tried when we first got married. We will take things slowly and at your own pace. If those ones are too much for you, we can look into new things to explore together. I believe it will spice things up for us.” My wife responded to my calm suggestions with accusations that I didn’t care about her comfort.

Every time I try to have a conversation with her about this, we end up in a heated argument. In her eyes, I am a villain for wanting to try something other than missionary. I’ve been patient with her, with the belief that change takes time. Nonetheless, a year has passed but my wife refuses to bend even a little. So now my patience is running thin.

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I feel like I’m drowning in a sea of marital discontent. I am unsure how to navigate these troubled waters without hurting Emily or neglecting my own needs. The situation leaves me feeling desperate. The one question I keep asking myself is, what can we do to find a common ground? I miss the days when we were both curious and excited to try new things. I miss the youthful exuberance we attached to intimacy before it was ruined. What can we do to restore that need for passion that once drove us?

Emily is a good woman and a good wife. The only problem we face is intimacy issues. And I will be happy if that changes. I know that you can’t have it all. I understand that no marriage is perfect, but is a little sexual pleasure too much to ask for?

— David 

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