I grew up in Cape-Coast with my parents but I am currently living in Accra. I moved here because of school, but I have not gone back even though I have graduated. You know how living in the capital city presents one with a wide range of opportunities that we are usually not exposed to in our towns. That’s why I chose to stay here and start a life for myself.
However, I find myself in an emotionally draining situation. It’s making my stay here hell-ish. Sometimes I tell myself my life here would have been easier if it wasn’t for this situation. However, if I am being honest with myself, it would have been a struggle. Maybe, my life would have been more peaceful, but it would not have been easy. I say this because, every time I leave the situation, I end up going back because of the benefits attached to it.
What’s this situation I keep talking about? It’s my relationship with Ibs. I met him in school. I was living on my own because I was having issues living in the hostel. He was also a student but he comes from a good home. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I didn’t have any expectations of him. I just wanted to be with a boy I was in love with. It was just enough for me to spend time with him. This is because every time I was with him, I felt content.
My God, I adored him. As far as I was concerned, he hung the moon in the sky and sprinkled the stars alongside it for garnishing effects. This guy was everything to me. He worshiped me too. His nickname for me is Gaia, the earth goddess in Greek mythology. He said, “She is the source of all life, and that’s what you do to me. You breathe life into this cold soul of mine.” See? My heart didn’t stand a chance against his smooth tongue.
His smoothness aside, he is caring too. By this I mean, he is a provider. There were things I didn’t think to ask him to do for me, but he delighted in doing them. Whenever I mentioned something involving money to him, he offered to take care of it for me. It felt nice to have my boyfriend show all these gestures as proof of his love for me. I remember telling myself, “This is the hill I am ready to die on. I have gotten myself a good man and I am not letting him go.”
The beginning of our relationship had all the marks of a typical new-love. We were inseparable. I was always laughing at something or about something because of how happy he made me. It was all dreamy. But that’s the thing about dreams, isn’t it? At some point, you have to wake up and face reality.
My reality started dawning on me when all of a sudden, I found my movements restricted. I used to have a lot of friends until I woke up one day and realized I didn’t have anyone else in my life apart from Ibs. He had bad things to say about everyone until I was completely cut off from them. I couldn’t go to certain places as well, because he did not approve. It was at this point that I started to feel I was in an abusive relationship. Nothing violent had happened yet but the whole relationship suffocated me.
I started pulling away from him as a result of this but he saw through me. If I took a step back, he would take two steps forward. We continued this dance until we got to level 300. Then he moved in with me. We lived together until we completed school. Then he moved out. Despite the changes, he continued to be the caring and loving man I fell in love with, except this time he was more possessive than ever.
Along the line, a tragedy befell him. This kind man of mine lost both his parents in a terrible accident. Life became hard for him after that time. Financially, he was still stable. But emotionally, he was a wreckage. Have you ever lived with a wreckage after an accident? The harm is already done but the damage can still hurt you if you are not careful around it. Nobody told me this.
I knew I should run when we were having a heated argument shortly after the accident. I was ironing my clothes at the time. In his anger, he yelled, “If you don’t shut up, I will burn you with that iron.” That was the first time something like that had come up. I was so confused and scared that I could not utter another word. When he calmed down, he apologised. He said he didn’t mean it. I believed him until he threatened to stab me with a knife during another argument.
Since that time, I knew my boyfriend was damaged enough to hurt me. So I started being careful. I tiptoed around him. I spoke in a softer tone. I massaged his ego whenever I felt him getting angry. Nothing I did prevented him from slapping me the next time he got angry. When it happened, I held my cheek in shock. I could not believe he hit me. Oh, but he did.
As always, he apologised and promised never to do that again. “You know I am not a violent person. It’s my anger that is possessing me like this. I didn’t know what I was doing until it happened. Please, forgive me.” I didn’t know if I should believe him again so I reported him to my family.
They haven’t met him but they know about him. They told me, “This guy is dangerous. Leave him before he ends you.” I agreed alright, but when he persisted with his apology, my heart softened. He said the sweetest words, and told me he would die if he didn’t have me in his life. “You know I almost lost everything when I lost my mum and dad. You are the only person keeping me from losing myself to this darkness that is eating away at my sanity. Please stay with me.” So I stayed.
My family got angry with me and even threatened to disown me when they found out I didn’t leave him, but I didn’t mind. “I chose love,” that’s what I told myself. Well, when my love stopped slapping me, he started squeezing parts of my body instead. He could grab my arm and squeeze it just because he was angry. If it was my leg he got hold of, so be it. And if it happened to be my throat, fair game.
Why did I continue to stay after all this? I believe he has a good heart. His only problem is his lack of control over his demons. I am saying this because, even when he is broke and I need something, he breaks his back to get it for me. As long as he is concerned, I should never lack anything. He doesn’t mind neglecting his own needs just to make me comfortable. This is what binds me to him – gratitude.
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Another reason I can’t seem to shake him off is because he never lets me go. Yes, there was a time I broke up with him. I even changed my accommodation so he wouldn’t find me. I don’t know how he did it but he stalked me until he got to know where I lived. He did everything possible for me to take him back but I refused. Nonetheless, when my rent was due, he paid half of it for me. I was touched by this. “Maybe it’s not that bad. After all, he said he has changed,” I thought.
As soon as we got back together this guy showed up at my place with his stuff and refused to leave. He had paid half the rent, so what could I have done? Now, we are living together again. God, I hate it. I know no peace because of his constant tantrums when he sees me talking to another man. When I tell him he is doing too much he tells me, “You are saying this because you don’t know a good thing when you see it. No matter what you say, I am good for you.” That’s what he believes but deep down in my heart, all the love I had for him has turned into ashes.
I’m Dating Him And His Mother | STORY BOARD
He has drained me to the point where I even tried to take my life one day. But on second thought, I decided my life was too precious to waste over a man. He doesn’t get physical anymore but I have no breathing space. When I inhale, I breathe him in. When I sneeze, I breathe him out. I even dread going home when I close from work because I can’t bear to see his face any longer.
I don’t have any friends in Accra here because he hacks my phone, and sends messages to my contacts asking them to stay away from me. Some of these people are my work colleagues and acquaintances from church but he doesn’t care.
I want to leave but I don’t know where to run to. I feel stuck. I feel so drained. I just want to be free but he seems to know where I am at all times. I haven’t involved the police in this matter yet. And neither have I gone to my family about him again. They said they warned me but I didn’t listen so I am on my own. Please, what do I do to get out of this?
— Gaia
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Madam run oo. Yoo
“He doesn’t mind neglecting his own needs just to see me happy”. That is where the red flag starts. He is neglecting himself so you are mentally imprisoned to him over gratitude and guilt. A good man should have healthy boundaries. Not to think he can treat another being better than himself. Then he is buying your mind with his actions abd seeks to ve worship. If he does not get the act of ‘worship’, he feels angry and unappreciated. Move away briefly back to Cape Coast to cut him off. Sell of your current phone, throw away the chip and buy a new one when you are healing away from him with your family and friends in Cape Coast.
I agree with Bonsu.
There are a few things to note about this toxic relationship.
1. It takes a lot of momentum to cut off or leave a toxic relationship. From the outside, it is always that easy to leave or walk away. It takes so much strength. Toxic relationships are more challenging to leave than even good relationships. They are like addictions to porn or drugs, or alcohol. Your brain always wants to feel those positive moments from the past. It is a yearning that drives you back to stay. It is the same feeling that makes drug addicts unable to quit, or alcoholics stay drinking even if they know the alcohol will destroy their lives. I can write a lot of this, but few will read. So, whoever wants more explanation should respond to this comment, and I will connect with them.
2. Women like this don’t need help. They need sympathy. Her family told her to leave, but she remained in it. Your advice as a stranger will go nowhere.
3. Never date a woman who has been in an abusive relationship like this for so long. Women turn to love men who mistreat them. It is part of a human history called Stockhom syndrome, read about it. This woman is likely to cheat on their next partner with this same man if she finally leaves.
4. Do not advise people when they didn’t ask for it. This woman has asked how to get out of it so that she might need help now.
5. To leave this kind of relationship, the woman needs financial help rather than emotional support. We all know the Ghanaian economy is challenging. Women can hardly leave behind a good life, no matter its cost. They never want to start all over. So, she is sticking to it for the benefit. Her rent and good gifts are buying her loyalty. The guy knows what she wants and plays his role very well. Guilty will make this woman die in this relationship.
6. I might be able to help this woman, but only on a personal basis. I need help to type everything here! I hope she sees this comment.
Please seek therapy and go back to your family for some time . Being in a toxic relationship like this will only ruin you.
KY this is very good advice. Hope the lady reached out for help
Please seek therapy and go back to your family for some time . Being in a toxic relationship like this will only ruin you.
Pls wait till you die then you know what to do in your grave
No man should be obliged to assume full responsibility for a lady, he is not married to, if the assistance is not benevolence. It is the parents responsibility to fund their children directly or through third party benevolence.
The cozy picture painted by the lady with regards to dependency on the boyfriend beyond his own comforts, is for a greedy and incorrect purposes, which consequences has caught up with her
What has happened to her vow to die on that hill?
It’s sad the young man had lost his parents in a tragic accident. To abandone him in his state of devastation is being ungrateful. Both should seek counselling and therapy to stay through to each other. Rocking the boat could be disastrous.
I didn’t want to comment cos I have a few women in this same situation who will come knocking our (me and Wifey’s) doors for advice and support,you will go out of your way to give them and the next moment,they have run back to same hell and you look foolish and stupid.
If you are working and earning money,why do you then still keep depending on him ?
Until he hurts you really hard or you are killed,no advice will be taken by you.
Guys aren’t like that but I just don’t get it for women….it hurts and makes me really angry when guys abuse women but it seems most of the abused women love it cos they will still go back and complain about it.
Maybe when you are dead from his abuse,your ghost will reason up