The first time I met him, my heart acknowledged his presence. It started beating haphazardly. I didn’t know if it was love at first sight or I was just happy to see a beautiful man. I walked in front of him in a way that would make him notice me. When our eyes met, I smiled and he smiled back. I didn’t say a word and he didn’t say a word too but his smile said a lot to me. It was wide, deep and sincere. I told myself, “The next time I meet him, I’ll talk to him.”

It was a canteen close to our office. I didn’t go there often but because of the gentleman, I went there every day at the same time while praying he comes along. Every day, I left disappointed because he didn’t show up. I didn’t know his name but I called him Blue. Blue because the day I saw him, he was wearing a blue tie on top of a white long-sleeve shirt.

I told Abena about him. Abena is a colleague at work. Every day when I went to the canteen and didn’t see him, I told Abena about it. She found it funny that I would be obsessed with a man I didn’t know. She asked me, “If you should see him right now what would you tell him?” I answered, “I don’t know but I’ll say something. Something that will make him see that I see a friend in him.”

“And then?”

“And then nothing. We’ll leave the rest to time.”

She said it was desperate for me to yearn over a guy like that. I told her I wasn’t desperate but ready to do desperate things to get to know him. I’d never felt like that about a man before and it’s the reason I was determined to explore the feeling I was feeling.

I met him again two weeks later. It wasn’t at the canteen but somewhere close to our office. He was wearing the blue tie again, carefully tucked at the middle of his chest as if a little bit left or right would desecrate the beauty of his appearance. My heart skipped a beat because I wasn’t expecting to see him there. I stopped for a second, hoping he’d look my way and smile like we did the first time. He didn’t. He kept going so I followed him. When I got closer, I said hello and smiled. He smiled back. He said, “You look familiar but can’t place a finger on where we met.”

“The canteen. Two weeks ago,” I said.

“Oh yeah, I remember now. How are you?”

We walked slowly together while talking. He knew where he was going but I didn’t know where. I asked his name. He said Clint. I added the surname in my head, “Clint Blue” before saying, “Nice meeting you.” The walk was short but I was hoping he’d ask for my number. Guys do that and they get it so I figured he would be a guy and ask for my number but he didn’t. Instead, he said, “I hope we meet again soon.”

I went back to the office and told Abena about the encounter with Clint Blue. “I met him. We talked. We even walked together. We shook hands and parted with a promise to meet again soon.” She asked, “Did you get his number?” I answered, “No.” She asked again, “Did he take your number?” I said no. “You and your Blue are not serious people,” she retorted. “Stop telling me about him already.” She then burst out laughing as if our story was a joke being told in a stand-up comedy.

I couldn’t find him any time I searched for him but just when I’d given up searching, he appeared out of nowhere. Our next meeting took only a week but it was like forever. The days dragged as I thought about him every time, scheming on what to say and what to do the next time we meet. When we finally did, I went straight for the kill; “Give me your number. It’s hard to meet when you don’t talk to each other first.”

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That evening, we were on the phone forever, talking about him, me and the places we’ve been. He made me laugh throughout the night and when he laughed, I could imagine his voice echoing through the neighbourhood like a released genie.

He was the first to ask for a date. I quickly obliged and dressed for it. In the end, I looked overdressed for the location but it didn’t matter. He was there and might have found me beautiful so that was enough for me. The next date was on me. He was happy to be around and he made it obvious. We talked and gossiped about passers-by. We already felt like a couple in the making. I was only looking forward to the coronation I thought was going to happen very soon.

I waited for a month, nothing happened except calling and texting and making jokes that were too dry to make a baby laugh but we laughed anyway. Two months later, we’ve talked about everything but one thing. I was waiting for him to propose but he never did. Something inside of me told me he was mouth P.O.P. so I should take the bull by the horns and do the proposal myself.

It was hard. Abena talked me out of it. I talked myself out of it. The furniture in my room talked me out of it. I was undecided but looking at where the friendship was leading, I felt strongly that if I didn’t propose, it would take forever for him to propose. So I woke up one dawn and decided to send him a text.

I wrote a simple proposal that read, “We’ve come very far as friends and as a woman, I see what I need in a man in you. I don’t know about you but if you feel the same way, I’m ready to be your girlfriend”

Immediately I pressed ‘Send’ my heart started beating faster. My conscience took the microphone and started screaming, “Delete that silly thing you’ve sent. You sound so desperate than a child crying over a toffee.”

I didn’t mind. I tried sleeping but my eyes couldn’t shut down. I played music but it didn’t help. When I forced myself to close my eyes, I saw the faces of my ancestors screaming at me, “You are a disgrace to our lineage of strong women. Delete it before morning or we’ll come for you before he reads it.”

I didn’t listen. I sighed and folded myself into my clothes, hoping sleep would come for me soon.

“I’m sorry but I thought we were friends. Where I am now in life doesn’t allow me to be in love. I will be a terrible lover. I’ll destroy this friendship if I say yes. Don’t get me wrong, you’re beautiful and everything I want in a woman but I can’t date you. I hope you understand.”

When I read the message in the morning, I coiled myself back into my clothes and asked my ancestors why they didn’t come for me before morning. Everything in me got weak. Was it the rejection or the investment I put into the whole thing that disappointed me? I didn’t have answers and still don’t.

“Thank you for being honest,” I responded but I wished he lied to me instead.

I stopped calling. It was my way of healing from the wreckage I put myself in. “Is that what men Go through when we say no to them?” I constantly asked myself. I even asked a colleague at work and he told me, “Oh it’s normal. We just dust it off and go to the next one.” I screamed in my head, “It’s not normal! I’m embarrassed. I feel so small. I did everything so why did he say no?”

It Will Be Difficult For Me To Commit To One Person

Abena put a nail in my coffin when she said, “Sɛ w’agyi w’aniso? You say you won’t listen to advice.”

Will I do it again when I find a man I love the way I loved Blue?

Yes!

This experience has taught me a lot but one thing I cannot unlearn is to chase what I think will make my heart happy. I loved him genuinely but he wasn’t in a place to love. That’s ok. Maybe the next one will or the next one will make it easier for me. It’s normal. I’ve learned to dust it off and go to the next one. 

—Irene

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