I met David at a friend’s graduation. The friend later introduced us and said David was her senior. We sat next to each other, me and David. We talked about education, we talked about grades and how important they are in our lives. He didn’t agree with me 90% of the time but the 10% he did, he made me feel like I was the most intelligent person in the hall. When leaving he told me, “I want your number. The argument shouldn’t end here.”

I gave him my number and left empty-handed but with hopes that he was going to call very soon. That evening he called. The argument ensued. By the time we hung up the call, we both agreed on one thing; that we love to argue with each other because each of us knew something the other person did not know and as such wanted to learn.

Argument turned to friendship. Friendship grew into a date one night where we sat across from each other, not arguing but talking about where we grew up and where we wanted to go. After the night, I remember telling myself, “I will never date such a guy even though I like the depth of his mind.”

I didn’t like the way he dressed. It was our first date and I expected more from his appearance. It was like he wasn’t ready to put in any effort to look presentable. He wore baggy trousers with a lousy T-shirt and a flip-flop to match. This was supposed to be a dinner. I wasn’t expecting him to wear gold or diamond in his nose but a little bit of effort would have helped. He made me look like I over dressed for the occasion.

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Though I drew that conclusion, each time we spoke on the phone, he got closer to me emotionally. I was drawn to his warmth and how he challenged me to think deeper. David is a deep man who understands the world in a different way. I decided to look beyond the first date and see him for who he was.

The second date was worse. He was all over the place, appearance-wise. His shirt was even dirty and crumpled like he appeared from under a rock cave. He wore shorts and that same flip-flop and covered his head with a baseball cap. I felt embarrassed. I couldn’t think straight so the day went awry even before we could call it a day. I called my friend that very day. The friend through whom we met. I asked, “Has David always been like this?”

When I told her about the dressing issue, she told me she hadn’t noticed because all the time they had been together or met, he dressed up appropriately. That made my problem worse for me. I concluded he wasn’t putting an effort into his appearance for me because he didn’t take me seriously.

I stopped responding to him. I called off dates and delayed in responding to his chat. He might have noticed the change so he reached out to me asking questions. I told him I was experiencing a phase and needed some time out. He pushed me out of my shell for a date again only for him to appear like he just returned from the farm. To make matters worse, he proposed to me that day. I should have been happier but all I said was, “I’m going through a phase. Can you give me some time?”

I used the time he gave me to talk about his fashion sense. I enumerated all the times he appeared like he didn’t care about me. I said, “When you love somebody and want her to notice you, you put in an appearance. It happens even in the animal world. The males are always brighter and colorful when they want to attract the female but you don’t do that. It’s like everything goes for you but that’s not how I want my man.”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t say he was going to change or was going to make amends. All he said was “Hmmm.”

I thought I’d put my message across so he was going to at least make an effort. I trusted him so I said yes to his proposal days later. He came to my place to visit. I cooked for him, we watched his favourite movie and drank his favourite drink. We kissed. He wanted more but that was all I could give.

Weeks later, I invited myself to his place because he wasn’t inviting me. I planned our first intimacy was going to happen at his place but I didn’t tell him. I went there one afternoon and what I saw made me want to leave. He had empty drinking bottles scattered in his room, dirty boxers here and there. His bedsheet looked like it needed to be in the washing machine. There was no place to sit, even his bed was full of clothes.

He had to push some things off his sofa for me to get a place to sit. I looked around and said “Wow.” He responded, “You like it here? It’s an old place but it’s keeping up very well.”

I buried my face in my palm and told him I had a headache. He said he could give me a painkiller. I said water would do. He opened his fridge and the scent of the room changed. The fridge smelled like a burial ground for dead things. I got up and pleaded to leave. I told him I needed to sleep. He pointed at his bed. I said, “No, in my bed.”

By the time I got home, my soul and spirit had left the relationship. Again, it’s about effort. There are many jokes online that talk about guys cleaning up their space when they’re expecting a visitor. David didn’t think I was worth it. It was my first time at his place and he didn’t think I deserved to see his place at its best. I’m hurt and it’s the reason I don’t want to go back again.

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He’s a calm person. I like his mind. I like his plans. I like what he tells me about himself. I love who he is but can’t love how he keeps himself. If I continue with him, I will end up being his cleaner. Life has a lot of challenges already so we don’t have to intentionally welcome another trouble. It’s the reason I’m walking out. Am I being drastic? Does it look like I can change him? Someone who doesn’t make any effort for my sake? What’s your take on this?

—Zeina

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