Ian and I met on social media fourteen years ago. A friendship was birthed between us. We live far apart so all our our conversations have been virtual. We had a good connection but it was all platonic. In the beginning, he was careful with the kind of things he said to me. But I like it when people around me are themselves. So whenever he tried to prevent himself from saying something I would tell him, “Oh feel free. Just be yourself.” It took a while but we got to that place eventually. We had unfiltered conversations.

As time went on, he started referring to me as his bestie. I didn’t have anyone in my life I considered a best friend so I accepted to be his. We talked about everything except my relationship. I didn’t want to put it on the table of our friendship for dissection. However, I related with him as though he was my second boyfriend. Unlike me, he was single. At some point, he expressed interest in having a romantic relationship with me but I did not accept him.

Regardless, he started calling me pet names; dear, sweetie, darling, among others. When we don’t talk in a while he would say, “I miss you.” Sometimes before we end a call he would say, “Take care of yourself. I love you.” I didn’t encourage him. Anytime he said these things I would respond, “Your girlfriend is out there waiting for you. Go and find her and tell her this.”

Although I wasn’t interested in him in that way, I knew he was every mature woman’s dream man. So I didn’t want him to stay hung up on me. I was going out with someone and my relationship was good so there was no way he could have a chance. That’s why I often encouraged him to go out and find a woman. He was reluctant at first, but eventually, he had a crush on a lady and wanted to shoot his shot. I encouraged him to go for it.

“What do I do? What do I say to get her to like me?” I gave him a few tips. It was going well until the lady announced that she wasn’t interested in him. She ended up breaking my bestie’s heart. I was worried. I am the kind of person who feels my friend’s love life affects me too.

At some point, my boyfriend and I had problems. We couldn’t resolve them so we had to break up. I was single again. Ian was still in the picture. I thought he had gotten past his interest in me until he asked a question one day. He said, “You always say I’m every woman’s dream man. So help me understand this, am I not good enough to be your dream man? You are now single. I am too. Think about it.” I gave it a thought and we started something nice.

Our relationship is now three years old. I have been faithful to him despite the distance. He has been faithful too. I know he is a man and body no be firewood but I know him enough to know he is not cheating on me. All our conversations have been virtual right from day one but we are doing our best to make it work.

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My problem is, ever since Ian and I took things to the next level, he has never said, “I love you.” It’s been three whole years. He has never even texted it. I know he does things to show he cares. For instance, I have never asked him for money. Whenever I tell him I am going to buy something, he just gives me the money to get it. Occasionally, he sends me gifts as well. Currently, he is struggling financially so I appreciate his little acts of kindness.

I honestly don’t doubt that he cares. We make time for each other no matter how busy both our schedules are. Because we don’t see each other, we give updates on everything we do. When I visit a friend and I have to sleep over, I tell him. He also tells me everything he is doing. The kind of commitment we share is something else. So why can’t he express his feelings vocally? It’s not as if he doesn’t know how to say it.

Seeing as he hasn’t said it, I also haven’t said it. I want him to take the lead. I am saying this because, at the beginning of the relationship, I used to call him pet names. Every time I did, he addressed me by name. This continued for a while so I stopped. I have had conversations with him about this but nothing has changed. My love language is words of affirmation so it bothers me that my relationship is devoid of it.

I psyched my mind not to have high expectations when I agreed to date him, however, the vibe I am getting now is a downgrade from what we had as friends. Sometimes, I feel we should have maintained the friendship as it was. Should I be worried that he doesn’t tell me he loves me? Are there men out there who show they care about their women but don’t express it verbally?

—Doreen

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