When my marriage failed, Kojo was there for me. Whenever I thought about the future my ex-husband and I planned that would never happen, my heart sank. Kojo was there to keep it afloat. There was never a time I needed him and he told me, “I am busy. I can’t do it.” You would think he was my personal assistant. “I just want you to be happy again,” he would tell me. He could relate to my experience because his wife left him as well. He never liked to talk about her or why she left. Every time I asked he would say, “Why bring up the past when we are so alive in the present?”

For two years he was by my side, helping me put back the pieces of my life together. At that point, we had developed a closeness that was beyond platonic. So when he proposed love to me, I said yes immediately. We were travelling together, discussing business ideas together, and being a happy couple. If you saw us, you’d think we were teenagers who had just found their first love. Our love was as sweet as fresh palm wine. That’s why I didn’t see it coming.

I am talking about the first heartbreak. I found out Kojo was traditionally married to the mother of his children. That was the reason his wife left him. When I confronted him he said, “Legally, my baby mama is not my wife. We only had an engagement ceremony so technically, we are only engaged.” I couldn’t believe he would do that to me. My own Kojo. “Kojo, your wife left you because she found out you were supposedly engaged to your baby mama, yet you didn’t think it wise to share that information with me so I would know what I was getting myself into? I thought I was your friend first, before anything else.” He apologized but refused to discuss the issue any further.

By then, I had grown attached to him. It made it too painful when I tried to leave him. So I stayed and plotted a way to detach myself from him. In the meantime, we continued the relationship as if something that heavy wasn’t hanging over our heads. When I got the opportunity, I travelled abroad for a few months to clear my head. That was when I started withdrawing from him. The distance and the time difference between us made it easier.

By the time I was ready to come home, we were barely talking. I remember the last text he sent me before I returned. It read, “From all indications, you don’t want to talk to me anymore. That’s fine. I’m always here. Whenever you’re ready, we can talk.” I read it but I didn’t respond. When I got home, I didn’t tell him. I waited for a week before I told him I was back in town. He responded immediately, “I hope to see you soon.” I said okay, but I didn’t make any arrangements to see him. We didn’t hear from each other until about three weeks passed. This time he said, “Please, let bygones be bygones, and let’s forge ahead. I have some business ideas. I want us to work on them together.” That caught my attention.

We spoke about it in great detail, and it was brilliant. It was something that would earn us good money so I agreed to partner with him. I started picking out a name for the business. I mapped out strategies to gain traction. I was doing research. I was preparing my plans for when we meet to talk more about it. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Kojo passed away one week after we had that conversation about the business. Another heartbreak from him. Was he not the one who said, “I am always here?” So he lied again.

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I was completely torn. I tried to remember the last time I saw him and it was seven months before he passed. I couldn’t stop crying. I kept asking myself so many questions and so many What-ifs. I withdrew from everyone except my kids. I didn’t want them to see how broken I was so I acted fine when they were around. But in their absence, I poured like rain.

That dreadful news took me down a very rough patch. His family knows me very well but I couldn’t be recognized as his woman (we didn’t officially break up) considering that his two wives were fighting over who was the rightful wife. So throughout the months before the funeral, I was present only as a sympathizer.

After the burial service, while attending to families and friends, a gentleman asked for my number. For some reason, I gave it to him even though I didn’t know him. He called the next day to ask if he could take me out for a drink but I turned him down. That didn’t deter him. He kept trying to see me until I finally agreed to meet him after a month had passed.

It’s been two months since we started talking. Now, he wants me to be his girlfriend. I like him but I feel I will be betraying Kojo if I move on, especially with someone I met at his funeral. Even if I should accept him, don’t I have to tell him about my relationship with Kojo? Or do I keep quiet? I am not sure what to do. Any advice here for me?

—Doretta

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