I grew up with my grandmother. This meant I was left to my own devices most of the time. I was always curious about things that adults tried to keep away from me. The moment I realized they were intentionally hiding something from me, I would go looking for answers. That was how I stumbled upon pornographic materials at that tender age. I didn’t practice what I saw but I became obsessed with it. I wanted to do everything I saw, but I knew I was too young to engage in such things so I waited.

I was seventeen when I met Hassan. Although he was much older than me, he said he loved me. At that age, my criteria for choosing a man was how handsome he looked. And the kind of vibes he exuded. What did I know? Who did I have to hold my hand through the market of men to show me signs of a good man, and all the things that made a man bad for my health? There was no one. My grandmother couldn’t do much to tame me.

When Hassan asked me to be his girlfriend, I was overjoyed. I couldn’t say yes quickly enough. When I visited him and he kissed me, I kissed him back. When he touched me in sacred places, I did not push him away. It was my first time but I wholly gave myself to him. It was nothing like I saw in the films, but he assured me, “You will start enjoying it the more we do it.” I wanted to get to a place where I would enjoy it. So whenever he asked to see me, I availed myself to him.

I had completed senior high school by then and didn’t know which direction my life was heading. Unlike many people my age, who knew the career paths they wanted to pursue and the courses they should study to get there, I had no idea what I wanted. Some people also enrolled in apprenticeship programs. I admired them but I couldn’t figure out if it was for me.

I passed my time with Hassan, getting pumped day and night. We weren’t even using protection. Soon enough, I started losing weight. I believe it was due to the fact that I was having too much shuperu. I didn’t know it then. Even if I knew it, I am not sure I would have stopped. I had gotten a taste of sweetness and I was not going back.

I continued down that path until it got to a point where I realized I wasn’t helping myself with the way I was living my life. I prayed to God and asked him to forgive me for my lifestyle. Then I changed the way I used to dress. At first, I would wear clothes that exposed my skin. But now I started wearing long clothes and covering up.

It was when I made this life-changing decision that I met Mahmoud. Right from the moment we met, he told me, “You are a nice girl. I want to marry you.” I was only nineteen then. What business did I have getting married at that age? However, what else would I do with my life if I turned him down? I had no purpose. So I agreed to marry him.

We had intimacy a week after we met. After the encounter, he asked me, “How come you are so loose down there? What and who have you done at this your young age?” I told him about my past with Hassan. “Yes, I have done things. If you were hoping I was a virgin, then I am sorry to disappoint you.” Although he seemed disappointed he said, “It’s okay. I forgive you for your past. But promise me you won’t return to lifestyle.” I nodded my head in agreement.

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After we got married, Mahmoud told me, “I don’t want other men looking at you, so don’t go out. Always stay indoors.” I did as he asked and gave up all semblance of a social life for him. Nine months after marriage, I gave birth to our daughter. After childbirth, I couldn’t eat well so I became weak. All I did was take care of the baby and sleep.

Right now my baby is almost three years old. I am still a stay-at-home mum. I want to make a living for myself so that I can be financially independent. I spoke to my husband about this and he told me, “If you want a decent job, then you have to at least get a first degree.” He is willing to see me through school. The problem is, I still don’t know what to do with my life.

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I am no longer the seventeen-year-old who lived her life to satisfy a man, yet that’s what my life looks like. I am currently living my life to please my husband with no purpose for my own. My husband has a master’s degree. He is planning to pursue his PhD but I am just a high school leaver. I have no passion at this moment but I want to accomplish something other than marriage and childbirth.

Please, I need guidance. Share your ideas with me. What can I do that will not take too much of my time away from my daughter? Also, my brain is not very sharp right now so I am not looking to do anything that will stress my mind. I will be grateful for your suggestions.

—Zara

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