When we first started dating she told me she was celibate. I asked her, “Do you mean you haven’t done it before?” She shook her head, “No, I am not a virgin. I have just decided not to indulge in premarital sex again until marriage.” I didn’t try to talk her out of her decision. I loved her. And I knew I wanted to marry her so I respected her decision.

Our relationship began in 2017. We are both health workers. We were posted to work in the same region but in different towns. She would visit me and stay for an entire week. Yet we wouldn’t get intimate. I tried to restrain myself but two years into the relationship, I started looking for other options. I had no desire to cheat or persuade her to let me touch her. I just started showing interest in someone else so I would move on with the person.

It was when she saw that her position in my life was about to go to someone else that she finally said, “Okay, I am ready for you to meet my family now. When you are free let me know so we would go.” I had been trying to get her to take me home for a while but she kept making excuses. That gave me the impression that she didn’t want a future with me. That was why I started showing interest in someone else. Nonetheless, when she finally offered to take me home, I saw hope that our relationship was making progress.

We are from the same tribe. In our culture, when a woman takes a man home, it is believed they are as well as married. The couple could even move in together and nobody would raise an eyebrow. When she introduced me to her family, they accepted me. So we started talking about our future after that. Usually, people get married first before they start having kids. But in our case, we planned to get pregnant first, before marriage.

She was living with me at my workstation when we decided to start trying for a baby. That was when we finally had shuperu. We didn’t struggle. A month after we did it, she missed her period. We took a test and it was positive. We were so happy.

Throughout the pregnancy, we were going strong. The plan was to perform the marriage rites after the birth of the child. We had a perfect arrangement that worked for us. On weekends, I would visit her. When she was on leave, she would come and spend the holidays at my place. Sometimes too,  I was the one who went to her. As far as I was concerned, she was my wife. We were just waiting to perform the customary rites to make it official.

The arrival of the baby brought me so many revelations about the woman I was planning to marry. First, she suggested we name the baby and perform the outdooring ceremony. I told her, “Naming a baby is a family affair. Our people are not here. So why don’t we go home to our people and do it?” She countered, “We are the baby’s family. We can have the ceremony here by ourselves.” It didn’t feel right to me to do it like that so I didn’t agree with her.

One weekend, I went to visit her and the baby. The house seemed a little busy when I got there but I didn’t think any of it. Her sister who was helping her take care of the baby was there with her husband. A few other people too were around but they all seemed so casual as if they were just passing by to see the baby. When I was leaving her sister’s husband told me, “Your wife is planning to name the baby so pay close attention to her.” I thanked him for the warning and left.

Maybe if I was attentive enough, I would have seen it. It turned out that the day her sister’s husband tipped me off was the very day they named the baby. They knew what they were going to do, but the mother of my child didn’t tell me. They all waited for me to leave that day, and then named the baby without me. That wasn’t even the most painful part.

None of the names they gave the child was approved by me. Not even her surname. That’s right, they gave my child their own surname. This is a child whose needs I was providing for. If they had done this because I shirked my responsibility as a father, it would make sense. But I was there every step of the way, taking care of her. Even when she confessed, after the baby was born, that she had an STD that could have infected me I didn’t abandon her.

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Of course, I was upset. The thought that she had unprotected sex with me knowing very well that she could get me sick was unfathomable. If you love someone, you don’t gamble with their lives like this. The one thing that saved me from contracting the disease was that I had been vaccinated against it. But she didn’t know this. So in anger, I asked her, “Is that why you came into my life? To infect me with a disease? So what if I hadn’t been vaccinated?” My woman said I threatened her life. She went to report me to the police. When I explained my side of the story, no arrest was made.

All of that happened but we resolved it and moved on. The baby was given medication so she wouldn’t get infected. We survived something that was meant to break us only to be broken by a misunderstanding over naming the baby.

After that day, she started keeping me out of the baby’s life. Sometimes she would let me see the child. Sometimes she would deny me access. It was an unpleasant situation. Her family supported her. They said, “You haven’t performed the customary rites. That’s why you didn’t earn the right to name the baby.” I was so hurt that I started withdrawing child support. It didn’t bother them. When I sent money, they accepted it. When I didn’t send it, they never bothered to ask.

That’s how our relationship moved from love to indifference. I remember asking her family, “Is it that you people only wanted to use me for a child? Now that you have what you want, you are treating me as if I don’t matter in this child’s life.” If it wasn’t that the lady was living with me in the village before she conceived, I would have concluded the child wasn’t mine. Oh, but she is. We calculated her cycle and had intimacy when it was time for ovulation. It was all planned.

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Now, the child is four years old. I go there to see her from time to time. Because of my baby mama’s behaviour, I don’t give money for child support anymore. She has moved on so have I. I am only sharing my story because someone posted a story about an STD. Some of these infections are preventable if you get vaccinated. You cannot completely trust your partner to be honest with you about their health status. So by all means, protect yourself. Look into the STDs and get vaccinated. You may never know who you will need saving from.

—Mathias

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