My parents have been married for so many years. I have watched them right from infancy to this age that I am old enough to be a wife. They are crazy about each other and everyone who knows them sees it. The way they casually hold hands in public is so sweet. I have often caught them stealing glances at each other whenever they are in a room full of people. Most importantly, I admire their passion and commitment to the work of God. I love the love my parents share so much that I aspire for a replica of their marriage.

I want to marry a man who loves me so much that he listens to me. Someone who communicates his needs and feelings instead of closing up and shutting me out when he is going through difficult times. Above all, I want a man who is passionate about God and is willing to do the work of God with me.

I know there are men out there who can give me what I want and so much more. So I try not to settle for less than I know I deserve. This is the reason I returned three engagement rings to three different men. Each of these men had their strengths but they also had their weaknesses. I gave my best to make it work but they were not willing to work on their flaws for the relationship to thrive. I believe the worst mistake a woman could make is to marry a man who doesn’t listen to her. So each time, I had to walk away.

After those three unsuccessful relationships, I was determined not to get involved with anyone until I was sure they could give me the kind of love I was looking for. So I had been single for a while until late last year when a childhood friend and I started getting close. His name is Tim. This is someone I have known and interacted with over the years. Not only was he in church but he showed commitment to doing the work of God.

When things started getting amorous between us, I didn’t mind. After all, I knew him. When he finally asked that we start a relationship, I said yes. I was so sure that things would be easier with him. What gave me this assurance was that my parents and even my grandparents knew him well. “Maybe the right man has been under my nose all this while but I didn’t know it,” I thought.

Two months into the relationship, the cracks began to show. We would hang out and spend a very good time together, only for Tim to get home and completely shut me off. I wouldn’t know what the problem was. I would call and text but he would ignore me. The first time it happened I was worried sick. I thought something had happened to him. Only for him to reappear for a few days to tell me he was busy.

I was relieved he was okay. But I was also worried. How can you just disappear on someone just because you are busy? What happened to a simple text, “Babe, I’m busy right now but I will call you back as soon as I can.”? Also, how can you be so busy that you won’t answer your girlfriend’s calls for days? I expressed my displeasure at his behavior and he apologized, “I am sorry I made you worry. It will never happen again.”

Another time he did it again. We had a nice conversation one evening. Nobody was upset. We didn’t argue. We were in a happy place. We said our good nights and I love yous, only for this guy to wake up the next morning and completely ignore me. I kept playing over the events of the night wondering what I had done wrong, even though I knew I didn’t. I called him throughout the day but I didn’t hear from him. My messages were left on read.

I was so frustrated that I spoke to my mum about it. She told me, “If there is something wrong with him, then you have cause to worry. But if he is ignoring you because he doesn’t feel like talking to you, then you even need to be more concerned. That attitude is a serious red flag. It’s only the dating stage but he is already acting like he needs a break from you. It’s not good.” I knew my mother was right. But here lies the case where I have walked out on previous relationships because the man didn’t measure up to a certain standard I set. I didn’t want to repeat the same thing in yet another relationship.

For the first time, I told myself, “No one is perfect. Besides, he said if I keep supporting him, he will work on himself.” I was willing to be patient with him so he would work on doing better. However, he kept doing it. It didn’t matter how many times I complained. If he didn’t feel like talking to me, he wouldn’t talk to me until his mood swings improved and he felt ready.

I started feeling in my spirit that his absence was not entirely tied to his busy work schedule like he claimed. So when I got the opportunity to hold his phone, I went through it. To my dismay, Tim had another woman in the picture. I couldn’t glean who exactly she was or how long they’d been together from the chats but the kind of things they talked about was clear enough that they had an intimate relationship.

It was a week to his birthday when I found this thing out but I didn’t let it show. I still played the part of the loving girlfriend. I bought him presents and did my best to make him enjoy the day. After everything, he started disappearing on me again. So I asked him, “Is your other girlfriend the reason you disappear on me every now and then?” He said he didn’t know what I was talking about. So I brought up the chat I read on his phone.

“Babe, it’s not what you think,” he vehemently denied it. He explained it was just a chat and that nothing ever happened between them. “I will change. You will never see such a thing on my phone again. Trust me,” he promised. I said okay and decided to give him one last chance to get his act together.

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Can you believe that on Valentine’s Day, this guy ghosted me again? It was as if he had completely fallen off the face of the earth. From Wednesday to Saturday, I didn’t know if my man was alive and well or if he was lying dead in a ditch. It was Sunday that he called me saying, “I am so sorry for the absence. I have been swamped with work.” I know he has a busy work schedule. Sometimes he takes work home. He even sends me parts of his work to do for him. But I also know that nobody works so hard that they can’t even call their girlfriends on Valentine’s Day.

I didn’t want to prolong things so I just blocked him there and then. He reached out to my best friend to talk to me on his behalf but I didn’t mind him. He spoke to my colleague at work but I still didn’t budge. Then he asked his best friend to step in, but my mind was made up already. I know I made the right decision. I wasn’t asking him for anything unreasonable. Just the bare minimum. How hard is it for a person to communicate?

I Didn’t Tell Anybody Because I Enjoyed It

I am beginning to wonder if my expectations in a relationship are too much. All I want is a man who will communicate, treat me kindly, and love God and me. That’s what I admire about my parents’ marriage and that’s all I want. I don’t ask any man for money or material things for them to say that I am too demanding. If anything, I am the one who ends up supporting them financially. I am there for them emotionally as well. What more can a girl do to be loved right?

I want to know if I am asking for too much, or if my standards are too high. This is the fourth relationship I have had to walk away from. What can I do differently next time? I am tired of trying and failing repeatedly.

—Ruth

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