My parents are not together anymore. They haven’t been for a while. My father is still in my life but he doesn’t live near us. My mum has another man now and things are good between them. I say this because my mum is a happy woman. Despite the fact that her first marriage didn’t work out, she didn’t give up on love. I live in the house with them so I get to witness firsthand what it means to have a partner to share life with. Life is hard, but I know that if you have a companion by your side, it makes the burden bearable. That’s what I want for myself as well.
My journey to find love has not been an easy one. So after I experienced a terrible heartbreak two years ago, I chose to stay single till I am healed. I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be carrying any baggage into a new relationship. So whenever someone came my way I told them, “I can’t love you the way you deserve, with a broken heart. So go your way and let me heal in peace.” It wasn’t easy but eventually, healing arrived at my doorstep. And I welcomed it with open arms.
Now that I am better, I have been talking to men. Some show up with a lot of promise only for things to fizzle out before it even began. Some also don’t hold my interest right from the beginning so I don’t even bother trying to get to know them. The path hasn’t been smooth but I am determined to see it through.
I am currently thirty-three but I have never brought a man home to my parents before. That’s because I just couldn’t get the timing right with these things. By the time I start considering taking them home, the relationship would be nonexistent.
I have a very good relationship with my mother. I believe it’s because I am her firstborn. She is the first person I call when I need advice on certain things. That aside, she is my gossip partner. I am not going to say that our relationship is perfect. It’s a good relationship but there’s something I don’t understand.
I know most parents who have daughters my age once in a while ask them, “Where is your boyfriend?” “Is our in-law coming home anytime soon to ask for your hand in marriage?” Although these kinds of questions put unnecessary pressure on us, we have come to expect it. That’s why it becomes obvious when a parent doesn’t ask them.
My mother, for instance, has never asked me anything about marriage. I talk to her all the time. She could easily say, “Missy, I have never seen you bring a man home. When am I meeting your boyfriend?” However, she has never done that. She hasn’t also tried to connect me to a man. I believe that if any of these had happened, I would know she is concerned about my love life or the lack of it.
Sometimes when I am talking on the phone and she is with me, I expect her to ask questions like, “Who are you talking to?” “Is that your boyfriend?” Or at least, “Is that a man?” But she would never ask. That is the one aspect of my life that she keeps her nose out of. And this unsettles me.
I am always at home. When I leave the house it’s because I’m going to work or church. The moment I close, I come home straight. My mother knows this, yet she has never advised me to go out and socialize. I know I am not a child and that, it’s not her place to tell me what to do with my life. But at this point, I can’t tell if she is staying out of it because she doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable, or if it’s because she doesn’t see anything wrong with the way I live.
People who are not related to me are even more nosy about my social life than she is. They would give me unsolicited advice, “You are getting older so even if you won’t get married soon, have kids.” It annoys me when they do this but at least I know they are thinking about me as a potential mum and wife. Not my mum though. She has never asked me for grandkids. I wonder if it’s because she already has a grandchild.
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Just recently, I was on a video call with a man who had shown interest in me. I was in my mum’s company while the call was on speaker. She could hear both sides of the conversation. The man said something to me in twi, which translates, “My hand is on you.” It means he wants to marry me. I expected my mum to chip in and ask, “Who is that? Let me see his face.” Well, she didn’t.
When the call ended, it was as if she didn’t hear any part of the conversation. She asked nothing about the man or if indeed he was serious about marrying me. It was even the perfect opportunity for her to ask if I had a boyfriend or what my plans for marriage were. And it’s not as if I haven’t told her about my desire to be married. Is it normal for a Ghanaian mum to behave this way?
I Didn’t Tell Anybody Because I Enjoyed It
One thing I have also observed about her is that she is not like those mums who pronounce blessings on their children after they’ve given them gifts. She doesn’t even show any excitement. She would either say a simple, “Thank You” or nothing at all. It makes me wonder if she doesn’t like the gifts I buy for her.
I have been pondering over these things and I can’t quiet my thoughts. I also don’t know how to approach her with this particular issue, considering she never goes near the subject. So I’m hoping someone here has experienced a similar thing. I need to know that somehow there are parents out there who stay out of their children’s love lives like my mum does mine.
—Missy
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What your mom is doing is normal. Her not showing emotions was how she was raised. And as for her not asking questions about your relationship it is also normal. Not all mothers like to meddle in their children’s life. Besides she knows that if you have someone in your life you will tell her yourself. She is just not inquisitive. With regards to her hearing what the man said it is not that she doesn’t care .She does care but she is giving you the respect and privacy you need despite her being curious. She is human she won’t ask but definitely she will ask questions and think about it in her mind. In short she wants you to tell her when you are ready for marriage or when you have a boyfriend yourself. This because if she starts asking it will put pressure on you to be in a relationship .I also believe she knows what it feels like to be a woman your age without a boyfriend or a fiancé and the pressure the society or parents put on their children and the effects it has on them. She is not a bad woman. There are some women out there who are like your mom.
Your Mum is trying not to make any mistake again having being through one. But, if nothing else, you know it’s right time you bring in someone to show her as your man who wants to marry you and it’s better you reduce your standards and specs of the man you want to get married to. 33years is way ripe for marriage. Your mummy having grandchildren already also gives her no much reasons to worry much about you gettingmarried. .
Your mum is a good mum who doesn’t want to stress you with unnecessary questions. About her showing gratitude kindly discuss with her. She may not be aware
My dear your mum not asking much about your love life might be because of her personal experience or an experience from someone which might have not ended well so she has advised herself not to ask so it doesn’t pit pressure on you. You can also try n bring it out during on of your mother, daughter conversation. You can just say mum give me tips on how to make a man happy like how you n dad are. It would open the Pandoras box for such conversation.
She might not be over the trauma of losing her marriage and won’t want to be blamed for yours too in case there’s a problem.
Help her get over hers and make input in yours by engaging her more on those lines during your mother-daughter chatty times