My son was five years old when I met George, a sweet gentleman who made it his agenda to marry me right from the start. I didn’t believe him because many had come with the “I will marry you” agenda and changed after a few months. They always used one excuse, “You and I would be a perfect couple but my family won’t accept a woman who has a child.”
It was breaking me apart. It made me cautious. It made me feel undeserving of love and most importantly, made me put all men in one bracket, “They all want sex and nothing more.”
George was different. He told me he loved the way I took good care of my son. He told me he would marry me because he would love his kids to have a mother like me. I was uptight at first but he didn’t care. The only thing he did was give me care and love until I had no other option than to open up to him.
A year later, I knew everyone in his family. They all knew I had a child but it didn’t bother them. When I visited his parents the second time, I went with Joshua, my son and they played with him as if he was their own. It made my heart gelled with gratefulness. That I could find a family like that. A family who didn’t make excuses because of my past.
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We got married when we were two years together. When we moved in together, it was my husband who held the hand of Joshua and looked for a school for him. He sent him to school in the morning and brought him back when he closed from school. Joshua’s father wasn’t in the picture but he sent money for his fees and his general upkeep. When he fell sick and I told him, he sent money.
We had very little interaction and whenever we talked, I was open about it to George; “Joshua’s father sent this.” “Joshua’s father told me to do that,” “Joshua’s father…” and on and on and on. It wasn’t frequent. Once in a blue moon, he came up because that was all we did, talked once in a blue moon.
Joshua is ten. I want to celebrate his birthday for him so I discussed it with my husband. He agreed so we set plans in motion. We talked to vendors and paid for what ought to be paid for. We planned the part we would do in his school and the part we would do in church and the part where we come home to celebrate with the kids around. Everything was between us until I decided to let Joshua’s father in on the fact that the boy was celebrating his tenth birthday.
He said, “I would like to come around. I haven’t seen him in ages. This will be a good time to introduce myself to him and try building it from there.”
I didn’t think it was a bad idea until I told George about it. He flatly denied the involvement of Joshua’s dad. “No, he can’t come around. He can choose any other time apart from the birthday event.”
My heart started racing faster. I felt I had let my husband down. It’s always about what my husband wants so I called Joshua’s father and told him my husband doesn’t want to see him around. Come and see a display of ego, “Who is he to prevent me from seeing my son?” I responded, “He’s not preventing you. He said not on his birthday.” He shouted, “Who is he to determine when I should see my son?”
“You can see him after the party, how about that?”
“No, I want to be there so he knows I was there.”
“Yes, you can be there but not at the birthday party.”
“What are you trying to tell me? That I can’t see my son when I want to?”
A raging firestorm usually starts as a flicker but this didn’t start as one. It started burning right at birth. My husband has made his position clear and I don’t think it’s appropriate to go to and fro with him. It’s his home. He determines who comes in but my son’s father doesn’t understand it this way. The good thing is, Joshua’s father doesn’t know where we live so he can’t show up uninvited but the issue here is this, he may stop paying what he pays for the child if this issue drags on.
He has said it. He even said he would report me to social welfare for trying to sell his son to another man. I defended myself; “It’s been over seven years since you bothered to see him so why now and no other time?”
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I wish I could call off the birthday party to avoid this sticky situation. My husband doesn’t know what I’m going through. To him, he had given his words and must be obeyed but it’s his words that’s causing me sleepless nights. I want to know how best to handle this so I can keep the peace in my marriage and also the sanity between me and my son’s father. I’m five months pregnant and all this wahala isn’t good for my health.
—Nora
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Nora, I’m sorry to tell you this, it’s all your fault. What business did you have telling him about the birthday, who’s paying for the birthday?
Until your husband came around you were going to be a single mother. And you think calling off the party is the solution? It’s your husband’s house tell the boy’s father to stay away!!!
Since your son’s father doesn’t know your address then be calm. Listen to your husband. You can allow your son to meet his father 2 or 3 days after his birthday. Meet him somewhere like the children’s park or somewhere public. But to avoid further confusion let your husband know of your plans, if possible inorder to avoid any trust issues take your husband along but let him be in the background or some where near. It won’t cause any problem since your son’s father doesn’t know him and will therefore assume he just a regular person. Please inform your husband about any decision you make with regards to your son. He is also his father. He is much more than what your ignorant and arrogant baby daddy is. Keep calm and don’t blink. Lastly before all that you do think about the consequences it’s going to have on your family as a whole. Good luck.
Maame…. your perspective of the father is not fair at all…. if he were your brother, is that what he looks to you? Ignorant and arrogant? The man never neglected the boy. Read the story again. He pays fees and takes care of his general upkeep. He pays medicals. What else should do to be responsible? He never asked to take the boy for holiday or weekend or vacations. He gave them all the space to have peace. If today there is an event, important enough for celebration, and he wants to be there just to feel the INTIMACY of father-child bonding, is it too much to ask for? No one prevented him from day one from seeing his son. But being an ex, he reds to prevent unnecessary confrontations that might bring anger between him and his ex. So you don’t see any wisdom in his absence, but arrogance and ignorance….. YOU ARE NOT A FAIR COUNCILLOR at all!!!!!
Born one de3 lie lie
Apuu,their exes will always have way
Hmmmmm…. why is it difficult for mother’s to agree that fathers also have love in their hearts for their children?
If a father wants to avoid situations like this and silently walks away to invest his resources else where, they say he is irresponsible. If he wants to be involved in the child’s life, you set boundaries that deny him father-child intimacy. Why????
This is the truth…. take it or leave it:….. men don’t care how much money he spends on you until you start denying him the intimacy he is paying for. This man stayed away for all this years, just to give the four of you the peace you needed in your current places. What would his presence in this special event spoil?
The husband is not being fair at all. No matter how deep he loves the boy, blood is always thicker than redwine…….
If I were the man, if you really prevent me from attending the event and prevent me and my son from acknowledging each other as father and son…… that would be the last contact between me, you and the boy….. after all, you know very well how responsible I am……
Your husband is been unfair he’s also a man if the table were to be turned would he be happy?..so this is what I think you should do…since you are doing the party in three different places then let him attend one and I think the party at his school should do..at least your husband should be fair enough to accept that..this is the man who pays for everything the child needs he has every right to attend his sons birthday.
Why don’t you arrange for the father to pick up the boy sometime, somewhere and go and have his own celebration with him?
This is a big time complicated sorry here. Toh said he never saw the child for over 7yrs, why? You also said he send money for school fees and upkeep, that who’s he loves his son and wants to be in his life. You and your husband are going the wrong way with this especially your husband. What kinda picture did you paint to your husband bout your sons father? Is your baby daddy an ignorant and arrogant? I’ll say, I doubt it cos you can’t take a lazy man’s child but you can take his wife. Let him see his son it doesn’t cost ur arrogant husband anything. I seen comments where some are suing you shouldn’t cos he doesn’t know your house, It’s fine. Take him to his father few days before his birthday or the eve of his birthday if he has hifrs for him or wanna bond with him. How bout his school? Kids love to have something or a lil something for friends and teachers in their school. Let him see his son. You owe him that. I don’t just undestand how ppl act these days when it comes to baby daddy and baby mama issues