He said I have gained weight. That’s why he wouldn’t touch me. That’s just another one of his excuses. He started starving me sexually before I had our kids and gained weight. When it first started, I hadn’t even gotten pregnant with our first child. He was always laid back when it came to intimacy. He wouldn’t initiate it. I was the one who always made the first move.
I grew up believing that men were always chasers. They are the ones who made moves and women either responded or rejected them. So how come I am married to a man who is not moved when it comes to shuperu? I am always the one putting in effort to seduce him. Eight out of ten times he rejects my advances. There were times I had to resort to begging. Can you imagine getting married and begging your husband for shuperu?
Is it normal? Are there men who are not excited about sex? Or is it that my husband is not sexually attracted to me? We dated for five years before we got married. We are both Christians so whenever we got intimate during the relationship we felt guilty. Because of this, we didn’t do it often. Besides, we were doing long distance. This also made it impossible for us to spend a lot of time together.
I endured all those years comforting myself that once we got married I would have unrestricted access to my husband and we would do it all the time. That’s how I am. I love to have sex regularly. So imagine how disappointed I am right now. We can go two months without doing it. If I am lucky, we would do it three times in a month.
As a matter of fact, it’s always a struggle to get one act of shuperu to occur, and when he finally does it, he is focused on his orgasm and nothing else. Out of the almost over 1100 days that we’ve been married, I can count less than 100 moments of shuperu. There are times I have to cry before he touches me. It’s almost as if it’s a chore for him.
I expected him to chase me around so that I would turn him down sometimes, but no. I have sat him down several times and asked him, “What’s the problem? Am I doing something that turns you off? The way you behave when it comes to the bedroom makes me feel undesired, unseen, and unwanted.” He would listen to me, shrug, and give me an excuse. “I am just stressed and tired from work,” he would say.
I read from this page that some women are lazy in bed. They do not initiate and are not proactive in bed. It makes me think about everything I do to get my husband to desire me but he does not give me the opportunity to sexually express myself as often as I would. On the two occasions I was pregnant he said, “I can’t touch you because of the pregnancy. It makes me uncomfortable.” When I had the babies his excuse became, “You’re not active so I don’t get excited.” This I know is not true.
“You’re pregnant and always lying down dull.”
“You don’t wear jeans anymore.”
“I’m not in my right state of mind due to work and financial issues.”
“I’m stressed and tired from work.”
“There are people around.”
“We don’t have our privacy because of the kids.”
These are some of the excuses he gives me. Most recently, he told me, “You smell unpleasant down there.” I asked him when the unpleasant smell began. He said it started during our honeymoon. If there’s any truth to what he is saying, we have been married for three years, so why hasn’t he said anything till now?
I know myself. I am not unhygienic. I keep myself clean at all times. I definitely do not have any offensive smell down there. If there was even a chance that I did, it means he wasn’t bothered or didn’t care to be intimate with me otherwise he would have told me a long time ago.
One day I asked him, “How do you manage your desires when we are not doing it?” He answered, “I can control myself. I can go for a long time without doing it and I will be fine. Besides, I don’t owe you any explanation with regard to my sex life.” Honestly, that stung.
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We have two kids now. I can say my pregnancies and postpartum have not been fully enjoyable. My libido tends to skyrocket during pregnancy but my husband still insists on withholding himself from me. He is excited about anything but sex with me. He would rather sleep, eat, or work. Right now I don’t even know what to do to change things.
I believe a time will come when he will tell me, “My favorite candidate lost the elections so I am not in the mood.” We’ve had this conversation way too many times and just when I’m working on one excuse, another pops up. I’m so heartbroken that I don’t know what to do. I am someone who loves shuperu, good regular ones for that matter. He knows this but he doesn’t seem to care. I’m so sexually attracted to my husband but unfortunately, he doesn’t even see me.
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Apart from this bedroom issue, our marriage is good. He performs every other husbandly role beautifully. This is just the one aspect that is lacking. I can’t brush it under the carpet and pretend it does not exist. It bothers me.
I’ve had to turn to self-pleasure, adult films, and near-infidelity moments for satisfaction. I opened up to him about everything. I wanted him to know how his behavior was affecting me. Do you know my husband didn’t budge? He did not even get angry or jealous. He just didn’t care. I’ve even jokingly asked if he’s gay sometimes. He doesn’t mind me. I am beginning to convince myself that he doesn’t love me. Am I right? Or there are men like him?
–Lourdes
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#SB
Your husband gave all the other excuses because he was finding it difficult to tell you the truth about the unpleasant smell down there!
It takes a lot of courage for even the most courageous man to tell a woman the truth about how unpleasant she smells, that is why it took him three years to finally say it
I personally will never be able to have the courage to say it to a lady due to the sensitive nature of it
All the other excuses are bogus except the unpleasant smell so please take it in good faith and work on it
You have to move your concentration else where. Eat a lot of pineapples. It’s naturally washes your vagina . In addition to that it makes you taste sweeter. Also avoid wearing silk panties rather wear cotton panties they are breathable therefore enable your girl down there to breathe. Avoid using scented soaps . Wash down there with lukewarm water. The way you clean your ass to is important. Clean it backwards so that it your t -roll won’t be in contact with your vagina . You doing this will prevent bacteria from entering the vagina. Avoid wearing tight panties and clothes. Wash your panties separately. You can take in fresh tomatoes, cucumber, lettuce, oranges .These are all good for your girl. Also don’t forget to go to the hospital to confirm what your husband said.
TBH, it’s never a good thing for a lady to smell awful down there. I am not your husband and won’t speak for him but I strongly believe there’s something or a couple of stuffs happening and and wrong somewhere. He is ur husband and I blv he has every right to mention if there’s any foul smell down there. I once told a lady how she smell badly before, during and after sex. I mean this lady stink so bad you’ll think she never had her batbe for days. I contacted a friend bout it, he was like you need to let her know. I summoned courage and told her in a way she won’t feel offended. God, I wish I mentioned it to her.
The lady has started categorically that bad smell from down there is not a factor, why won’t you take her word for it? She says that she has had to pleasure herself sometimes. Don’t you think she would smell something when she does it? No, sometimes people get into a marriage and quickly regret their action. I think whatever love the husband has, has leaked out. My suggestion is that they see a clinical psychologist who counsels couples for counseling and advice.