Some guys come into your life and right from the start, you know where they belong. They can’t be your brother because your parents didn’t birth them. They are good to you and always there for you but they can’t be your guardian angel because, you know, they don’t come with celestial wings. You know you like them and they like you too but you can’t relate to them romantically because your heart shakes with craze anytime you think of them that way. We call these guys friends. They tell us we’ve friend-zoned them but that’s how far the heart will go with them.

I had such a friend. Nicholas. Many people thought we were dating because what we had didn’t make sense to them. When I told my mom Nico was just a friend she told me, “Do you think I was born yesterday?”

Even my mom didn’t believe a man like Nicholas could be just a friend judging from how long we had been together and the places I’d gone with him. One day Nicholas proposed to me and I laughed. I looked at him. He was quivering. He stretched out his hand to touch me and his hand was visibly shaking. I told him, “Nico, don’t let what people are saying gets into your head. We are beautiful this way. Honestly, I can’t date you. How am I going to look at this face who has been a friend for almost nine years and kiss him?”

We talked about my list;  “Nico, you know what I want in a man. You laugh at the list of qualities I want in a man but you know it’s what I want. Please don’t spoil this for me.”

On my list, I was looking for a tall dark man who had a heart of gold. Tall because I would wear heels. I didn’t want a man who’d be beneath me when I was in my six-inch heel.

#2. He should have a place he calls home.

#3. He should have a car, nothing fancy but something respectable that moves.

#4. He should have a job that earns him a six-figure salary.

#5. He should be willing to spend on me because he’s kind.

#6. He should be someone looking to settle down in two years at most.

The list went on and on. Nico called it childish. I told him I was a child of God and deserved whatever good I desired in my life. When he proposed and I referred him to the list, he knew he wasn’t going to win so he tried very hard to make my list look frivolous but I didn’t give him way.

One night at an event, I met Pallas. Immediately he approached, I started measuring him against my list. “Tall, checked. Dark, checked. Did he come with a car? I will have to see after the event.”

Physically he ticked all the boxes. When he offered to drop me after the program, I knew he had a car. I said no to the offer but called Nico right there; “Nico, you can’t believe who I just met.” He asked who and I told him, “I met the guy on my list. He ticks the obvious. I think the rest will be easy.”

He gave me this lousy response that made me ask if he wasn’t happy for me. When he said he was happy for me, it didn’t sound genuine so I whispered under my breath, “Hater. Jealousy go kill you.”

Pallas called that same night. I got to know where he lived and the kind of job he was doing.  I said in my head, “Job, checked.” After the conversation, I looked up and said, “I know what you are doing. I swear I know what you’re doing to me at this moment and I love it. Your daughter is overjoyed, keep going God.”

A week later, we went on our first date. It was super. A month later, we were an item. Nico was on the side telling me to slow down. I told him God didn’t slow down when he threw Pallas my way. To me, Pallas was a gift from God.

Two months later, we were all over the place showing each other off to the world. I met his friends. He told them, “This is my wife.” I wasn’t a girlfriend. I was straight up there as a wife. When I introduced him to my friends I said, “That’s the man who makes life worth living at this moment. He’s the one.” We were having the time of our lives but Nico didn’t want to be part of it. I wanted to introduce him to Pallas but he said no.

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Six months later, the crack began to show. I got excuses where I got action. My calls became missed calls when I needed to talk to him. My messages stood alone for several hours before I got a response to them.

When God gives you something and it’s not working, you go back to him for repair work. I prayed about it but nothing changed. One night, out of desperation, I prayed, “God, let me see signs if this is not what you intended for me.”

That week, I caught him with another woman in his place when he had told me he was travelling.

I stayed. I didn’t see him on top of the woman so it wasn’t a clear sign for me to leave. Even when my calls were waiting as late as 12 a.m. consistently, I still felt I could rescue the perishing relationship. Two weeks to our first anniversary, he called to call it quits; “I’m sorry but it’s not your fault. I’m the reason everything is failing. I should be your friend and all but my job and other things keep taking me away. Don’t let us force it. You deserve better.”

That’s his exact words. I told him, “We are almost a year old. I was waiting to use the occasion of our anniversary to talk over things. Don’t you think we can work this out? It’s a phase. We can make it work.”

We broke up and I came back to square one where I call Nico and cry on his shoulders. He was welcoming. He didn’t judge me. For once, he wasn’t jealous. He started coming around often like he used to. He brought my favourite things. We talked about the times we’ve lost. He teased me. He called me names, the usual names we used to tease each other. When the dust settled, I revisited my list to see what I could take out and what I could add.

While going through the list, the only face I saw was Pallas. “Who could someone fit this perfectly and also be the wrong kind of guy?”

Then I remembered what he told me the day we broke up; “I should be your friend and all but…”

“He should be a friend.”

That was what was missing from the list. I got all the qualities I listed but didn’t get someone who would be a friend. Friends don’t leave because something is not working. They stay to make it work. I’d had many issues with Nico. Even when I didn’t love him, he still stayed because friends stay to make things work. I updated my list. I took a lot of things out and added “He should be a friend.”

The list became shorter because when you get a friend, you wouldn’t need to worry about kindness or provision or protection or safety. When you get a true friend, they come as many things in one. A full package.

Once I updated the list, Nico became the one. All of a sudden he fit perfectly but I didn’t know how to go about things, to let him know I was ready for him. One day I asked, “Why were you shaking the day you proposed to me? Were you scared?”

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He proposed again months later. He wasn’t shaking. I asked, “Why ain’t you shaking this time? Has the love reduced?” He answered, “It hasn’t. I’m not shaking because it’s the second time. I’ve grown bolder.”

It’s our fifth anniversary this year. It turned out that everything I was looking for was right next to me but I didn’t see him because I was busy friend-zoning him.

–Evelyn

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